Vannin' Home
Posted By: GhostRyder Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 04th 2013 5:25 am
wanted to put this on it .

what do you call a hillbilly mansion?
a two story double wide Lol.
Posted By: wrcsixeight Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 04th 2013 8:28 am
The off topic threads only last 30 days without fresh input. Sorry to see the joke thread no more. Shoulda been a sticky.

Thx DrBob, for keeping it lively, for so long.
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 04th 2013 5:45 pm
People complained as usual curse
Posted By: MrHoney Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 05th 2013 11:36 am
Originally Posted by Wizard78
People complained as usual curse


what "PEOPLE" ?
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 05th 2013 3:05 pm
Not going there grin
Posted By: NateB Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 05th 2013 5:33 pm
yep...after 30 days of no activity...gone.


Classifieds and Test sections are the same way.
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 05th 2013 10:10 pm
30 Days in the hole laugh
Posted By: Lee7673 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 05th 2013 10:22 pm
Can it be started again?
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 05th 2013 10:59 pm
Originally Posted by GhostRyder


what do you call a hillbilly mansion?
a two story double wide Lol.



_______ lol
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 05th 2013 11:04 pm
Originally Posted by MrHoney
Originally Posted by Wizard78
People complained as usual curse


what "PEOPLE" ?


Someone told UncleBob some of his jokes were a little to X-rated and he said he wasn't going to post them anymore...I agreed some of them were to far out there but I wish he was still posting cleaner ones....was fun to read and sometimes join in... smile
Posted By: Superbeast Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 06th 2013 5:35 pm
Originally Posted by Lee7673
Can it be started again?


Sure, just start one. There is no way to get the old one back as they are automatically deleted by the system after 30 days of inactivity.
Posted By: GhostRyder Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 08th 2013 3:45 am
why doesnt someone rename this one and we use it ?
id be happy to take all the credit lol
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 08th 2013 4:07 am
Teacher: "Little Johnny, give me a sentence using the word, 'geometry.'"

Little Johnny: "A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said, 'Gee, I'm a tree.'"
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 08th 2013 5:07 am
Frscke1:Jonny how old are you?
Jonny: 12
Frscke1: Did that joke offend you?
Jonny: NO
Frscke1: Jonny would you like to read some more Vanner jokes?
Jonny: You bet
Frscke1: Jonny are you going to call the cops?
Jonny No way Vanners are cool
Posted By: wrcsixeight Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 08th 2013 5:10 am
I used that joke thread as a Library.

Sorry to see it go.

One of them went like this:

Two dimwitted brothers were putting the siding on a house.
One takes a smoke break watching the other one work.

The other brother is pulling one nail from his tool belt and driving it home, pulling out another one looking at it, and tossing it over his shoulder, another into the siding, another over his shoulder.

The one brother, perplexed at his brother's odd and wasteful behavior struts up to this obvious dimwit and asks why he is throwing half the nails over his shoulder.

"The pointy sides were on the wrong end!"

"You Idiot!!!!!!"
" Those are for the other side of the house!!!!!"

Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 08th 2013 1:52 pm
Did ya hear the one 'bout the horse that walks into the bar sits down and orders a beer?

Bartenders says Why the long face.......... lol
Posted By: CatFish Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 08th 2013 2:15 pm
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. The agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "Some idiot loaded this gun with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 08th 2013 5:06 pm
rofl
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 08th 2013 5:07 pm
At a Rehab meeting

Do you have a drinking problem?

No I Pretty much have it figured out.

What is your favorite beer?

An open one.

How do you know you've had enough?

I run out.

AA is for quitters.
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 08th 2013 5:13 pm
Originally Posted by DrBob
At a Rehab meeting

Do you have a drinking problem?

No I Pretty much have it figured out.

What is your favorite beer?

An open one.

How do you know you've had enough?

I run out.

AA is for quitters.


. cheers ....That's the DrBob I remember..... lol
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 08th 2013 5:35 pm
Originally Posted by CatFish
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "Some idiot loaded this gun with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair."



thats funny!!!
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 08th 2013 5:37 pm
Originally Posted by HighwayStar
Originally Posted by DrBob
At a Rehab meeting

Do you have a drinking problem?

No I Pretty much have it figured out.

What is your favorite beer?

An open one.

How do you know you've had enough?

I run out.

AA is for quitters.


. cheers ....That's the DrBob I remember..... lol



Go Bob Go....Yeah back to our daily humor
Posted By: CatFish Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 08th 2013 11:21 pm
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't move.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied... "The balcony."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 08th 2013 11:55 pm
While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him. “Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!”
“Dear God! Did your try to stop him?” “No,” said the clerk, “but don’t worry. I got the license plate number!”

Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 08th 2013 11:58 pm
Perfect Man, Perfect Woman

There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.

One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw Santa Claus at the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up, because they didn't want to make their perfect children (who were at home with their perfect babysitter) mad because it was close to Chritmas.

Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with Santa Claus, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and 1 lived.

Who died and who lived?

The perfect man because the perfect woman and Santa Claus aren't real.
Posted By: GhostRyder Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 09th 2013 2:35 am
Originally Posted by HighwayStar
Did ya hear the one 'bout the horse that walks into the bar sits down and orders a beer?

Bartenders says Why the long face.......... lol


I dont get it lol
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 09th 2013 2:40 am
Horses tend to have long faces David...... lol
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 09th 2013 3:19 am
Originally Posted by HighwayStar
Horses tend to have long faces David...... lol


Thats funny that you explained it to him....lol
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 09th 2013 4:11 am
Originally Posted by frscke1
Originally Posted by HighwayStar
Horses tend to have long faces David...... lol


Thats funny that you explained it to him....lol


______________ yay
Posted By: GhostRyder Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 09th 2013 6:12 am
Originally Posted by HighwayStar
Originally Posted by frscke1
Originally Posted by HighwayStar
Horses tend to have long faces David...... lol


Thats funny that you explained it to him....lol


______________ yay


lol
Posted By: CatFish Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 09th 2013 10:54 am
rofl
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 09th 2013 5:35 pm
A man solves the problem of too many visiting relatives. He borrowed money from the rich ones and loaned it to the poor ones. Now none of them come back.
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 09th 2013 5:38 pm
Isnt that the truth....works every time
Posted By: shaggy Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 10th 2013 11:19 am
The same horse came back to the bar a week later looking upset and with a set of jump leads around his neck.

Barman says
"I don't mind the long face but just don't start anything"

Then a bear comes in and says to the barman "Hey can I get a ...........................................
..........................................
..........................................
...beer please.

Barman says,
"Sure but why the large pause"


Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 10th 2013 11:28 am
rofl
Posted By: CatFish Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 10th 2013 12:03 pm
rofl rofl
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 10th 2013 2:24 pm
Originally Posted by shaggy
The same horse came back to the bar a week later looking upset and with a set of jump leads around his neck.

Barman says
"I don't mind the long face but just don't start anything"

Then a bear comes in and says to the barman "Hey can I get a ...........................................
..........................................
..........................................
...beer please.

Barman says,
"Sure but why the large pause"




_____lmao.... rofl
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 10th 2013 4:52 pm
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.”

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 11th 2013 10:36 am
rofl
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 11th 2013 2:03 pm
A man went into a dentist and said "how much will it cost to have teeth taken out" "$90" said the dentist "that’s ridiculous" said the man.” I could lose the anesthetic and it would cost $60" "that’s still to expensive,” said the man "if I don't use any anesthesia I could knock the price down to $20". Still to much" said the man.” Well one of my students can do it for $10" said the dentist "perfect" said the man "book my wife for next Tuesday".

Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 11th 2013 2:05 pm
lol
Posted By: shaggy Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 11th 2013 2:45 pm
A penguin is on holidays driving around Italy on a Vespa scooter.
He starts to notice a dangerous wobble from the front of the vespa so leaves it into a small town mechanic for repairs. While it's being repaired he wanders around the town and finds an ice cream shop. He buys a big ice cream and greedily tucks in while walking back to the workshop. The mechanic spots him and calls him in to the workshop where he has the forks of the vespa stripped down and laid out on the bench. He says "I think you have a blown a seal".

The penguin quickly wipes his face clean and says "No, No It's only ice cream"
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 11th 2013 4:43 pm
rofl
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 12th 2013 1:36 am
haha rofl
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 12th 2013 1:38 pm
A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said "it is quite cold out here can I come in?" the man shouted "NO why don’t you all understand I want to be alone!" and he kicked the snail down the mountain. One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, "What did you do that for?"

Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 12th 2013 3:26 pm
rofl
Sure did miss you Dr. Bob
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 13th 2013 2:13 pm
Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 13th 2013 3:20 pm
laugh
Posted By: NateB Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 13th 2013 11:31 pm
A traveling salesman is driving through some farmland and while driving accidentally runs over a rabbit. He pulls over to investigate and then goes to the trunk of his car. Meantime a farmer is watching this whole thing unfold by his fence. The salesman opens his trunk and pulls out an aerosol can. He walks over to the dead rabbit, shakes the can, and sprays the entire contents onto the rabbit. He tosses the empty can on the side of the road, jumps in his car and drives off. About a minute later the rabbit jumps up and begins to walk away waving his paws every few steps. The farmer completely amazed by what he'd seen jumps the fence and picks the can up and reads it. He reads to himself, "Huh...hair restorer with wave".
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 13th 2013 11:51 pm
______ lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 14th 2013 12:21 am
haha
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 14th 2013 2:05 am
rofl
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 14th 2013 1:37 pm
So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for

Gramma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
Posted By: NateB Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 14th 2013 1:44 pm
lol

It's always "little Johnny". lol
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 14th 2013 2:09 pm
Lil Johnny ROCKS!
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 15th 2013 3:20 am

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy: 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "by the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

( It's nice to see a blonde winning .)
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 15th 2013 3:26 am
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags ripped, and every once in a while
a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk... Noticing this, a policeman
stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of your
bag.” “Oh, really? Darn!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back,
and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.” “Well, now, not so
fast,” said the cop. “How did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it,
did you?” “Oh, no”, said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is
right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of
fans come and pee through the holes in the fence into my flower garden and
that kills my flowers. So, I’ve taken to standing behind the fence with my
hedge clippers, and each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence
I put the clippers around it and tell him ‘That will be ‘$20 or off it
comes!’” “Well, that seems only fair” laughed the cop. “OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?” “Well, you know, not everybody
pays”.

Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 15th 2013 1:38 pm
A man looking for love sent his picture to the Lonely Hearts Club.

The reply came back, “We are not that lonely.”

Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 15th 2013 7:01 pm
rofl
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 16th 2013 2:21 am

Types of SEX

7 kinds of sex

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.

This kind of sex happens when you first meet
Someone and you both have sex until you are
Blue in the face.


The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner
For a short time and you are so needy you will
Have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.


The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner
For a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and
You usually have sex only in your bedroom.


The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex

This is when you have been with your partner
For too long. When you pass each other in the
Hallway you both say "screw you."


The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.

Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun
In the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular)


The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.

This is when you cannot stand your wife any
More. She takes you to court and screws you
In front of everyone.


And Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called - Social Security Sex.

You get a little each month.
But not enough to enjoy your self.
Posted By: VanPLan Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 16th 2013 12:42 pm
While driving down the interstate one day the doors on the back of a van go flying open and a drunk goes rolling across the highway. As the cars and trucks come skidding to a halt the people go rushing over and are screaming and crying "OMG is everything Ok ?"

The drunk calmly stands up, brushes off his pants, puts his sunglasses back on, straightens his hat and with a puzzled looks says "I don't know...I just got here" cheers

coffee
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 16th 2013 1:37 pm
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 17th 2013 1:38 pm
A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing', so what are you going to do?"

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."

Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.

"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.

So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"

Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."

Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 17th 2013 2:45 pm
________ lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 18th 2013 1:38 pm
Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”

“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”

“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”
Posted By: CatFish Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 18th 2013 5:37 pm
How I Learned To Mind My Own Business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting...13....13....13.
The fence was too high to see over but there was a little gap in the planks so I peeked thru to see what was going on.
That's when somebody poked me in the eye and they all started
shouting....14....14...14.
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 18th 2013 5:47 pm
rofl
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 18th 2013 8:46 pm
_____lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 19th 2013 1:46 pm

A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his 1 to 10 well

"Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10"

"Good. What comes after three?”

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten?"

"A jack"
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 19th 2013 1:51 pm
lol
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 19th 2013 2:08 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 19th 2013 6:32 pm
Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?”
“Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?
“I did!” sobbed Johnny.

Read more: http://www.ajokeaday.com/clasificacion.asp?ID=46#ixzz2O0nX3eRa
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 19th 2013 11:08 pm
REFRIGERATOR GOALS!

When I returned home from college for a break.
I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator.

It listed some goals my dad had set for himself:
Help wife more, lose weight, be more productive at work.

I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."

A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."

Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 20th 2013 1:40 pm
A man who's wife was pregnant couldn't bear to be in the delivery room at the time of the birth.

So he thought he'd ring up later to see if it had come yet.

He rang up and the nurse said "it's a girl but theres another one on the way"

he rang again later and the nurse said "it's another girl but there's another coming"

he rang once more and the nurse said " it's a boy but there's another coming"

He couldn't stand it any more so he went to the pub and got drunk.

An hour later he was really nervous. He was dialling the hospital, hands shaking, and accidently dialled the sports line. he asked " how many did we get mate" the person said "198 all out.... and the last one was a duck"
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 20th 2013 3:35 pm
lol
Posted By: CatFish Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 20th 2013 6:02 pm
I was in downtown Atlanta the other day when I saw a car with a bumper sticker that said "I miss New York".
So I busted his window, stole the radio, shot out a couple of tires and left a note saying "I hope this helps"! laugh
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 20th 2013 6:14 pm
rofl
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 20th 2013 9:35 pm
[Linked Image]
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 20th 2013 10:26 pm
Originally Posted by DrBob
[Linked Image]


I did that when I was a kid....RATFLMAO

But I forgot the soap....
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 21st 2013 2:34 pm
Married couples, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one a wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof -- the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me." So the fairy picked up her wand and poof -- the husband was 90.
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 21st 2013 4:22 pm
lol
Posted By: CatFish Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 21st 2013 4:29 pm
Those same two older married couples were having dinner together one night. After eating, Sam and Ted went into the den while the ladies chatted and cleaned up the dishes.
Ted remarked that it was a fine home cooked meal. Sam mentioned they had recently discovered a new home style restaurant in town that was also very good and he highly recommended it.
“What’s the name of it?” asked Ted.
Sam thought and thought and scratched his head and finally said, “Say, what’s the name of that flower?” “You know the one that’s red and we always buy it for our wives on special occasions.”
“You mean a rose?” said Ted.
“Yeah, yeah that’s it” said Sam. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled “Hey Rose, what’s the name of that place we ate at last week?”
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 21st 2013 5:07 pm
rofl
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 21st 2013 7:01 pm
rofl
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 22nd 2013 1:46 pm
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him.
Posted By: Mutt Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 22nd 2013 2:57 pm
lol
Posted By: CatFish Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 22nd 2013 3:02 pm
Joe’s wife asked him to run out to the store for a loaf of bread. On the way to the store there’s this little bar that Joe likes so he decided to drop in for a quick beer. As he was sipping his beer a gorgeous young redhead in a mini skirt walked in and sat down at the bar. Joe smiled and she smiled back so he sent her a drink over. They began to chat and Joe ordered more drinks and a few more drinks until the next thing he knew he was waking up in her bed and its three AM in the morning!
“Holy Crap!” shouts Joe. He leaps outta bed and throws on his clothes.
“My wife’s gonna kill me!!” he yells as he heads for the door.
Thinking quickly he returns to the bedroom and asks the redhead if she has any talcum powder. He takes the powder and dumps some on his hands, rubs a little on his face and wipes the rest on his pants as he runs out the door.
He gets out of his van at home and his wife is waiting in the doorway with the rolling pin. “OK BUSTER, JUST WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN ALL NIGHT?”
“Well Honey I stopped at the bar for a drink and met this great looking redhead.” Joe explained. “We had a few drinks, one thing led to another, then we ended up at her place having wild sex and I fell asleep.”
His wife slowly looked him up and down there under the porch light and said “YOU LYING ASS!” “YOU’VE BEEN SHOOTING POOL HAVEN’T YOU?”
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 22nd 2013 3:48 pm
Good one lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 23rd 2013 8:58 pm


A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death
experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, an ambulance killed her. Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?" God replied, "Girl, I didn't recognize you”


Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 24th 2013 2:10 am
laugh
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 24th 2013 11:48 am

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that day.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch ?"

Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What?
At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.


Mom laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

End of Story

P.S. Robot For Sale
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 24th 2013 11:57 am

A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor, and other equipment, all the animals,the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash."

The granddaughter, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh granny, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"

With her last breath, Granny whispered...


"Facebook..."
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 24th 2013 11:57 am
rofl Good one
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 24th 2013 12:05 pm
Little Johnny was not paying attention in class so the math teacher called on him and said, “Johnny! What are 5, 2, 28 and 40?” Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, CBS, HBO, and Cartoon Network!”


Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 24th 2013 2:22 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 24th 2013 9:10 pm
A man lying on his deathbed called to him, his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor. "I am going to die tonight," and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you can take it all with you. So to my three most trusted friends, you three of course, I am leaving 50,000 dollars in these envelopes. When I die you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me." The man handed the three men identical envelopes.

A day later they each received news that, that night the old man had died . So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfill his death wish.

Standing over the coffin one week later the pastor confessed, " I can't hide what I've done. I took 10,000 dollars from the envelope because the church needed to be painted."

Then as he did so the doctor also started to fidget then finally confessed “I took 30,000 dollars from my envelope because the hospital needed a new wing."

Ten the lawyer said plainly “You bunch of crooks! I wrote him a check for the full amount!"
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 24th 2013 9:24 pm
lol
Posted By: GhostRyder Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 25th 2013 3:36 am
stole this one from Facebook .


Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 25th 2013 1:01 pm
rofl
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 25th 2013 2:25 pm
Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."


Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 25th 2013 3:07 pm
Gotta love Lil Johnny smile
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 25th 2013 10:50 pm
I've got a bunch of little Johnny jokes.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 26th 2013 2:16 pm
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in well last week."

"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"

"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 26th 2013 2:20 pm
lol
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 26th 2013 2:46 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 27th 2013 2:04 pm
Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium (Ad).

The new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.

However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it came into contact.

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, viceneutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion

leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass".


Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 28th 2013 8:52 pm
“Doc!” the man yells. I’ve lost my memory!”

“Calm down, sir. When did this happen.”

The man looked at him. “When did what happen?”
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 28th 2013 8:54 pm
rofl
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 28th 2013 9:13 pm
rofl
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 29th 2013 2:11 pm
From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad."

Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 29th 2013 4:05 pm
lol
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 29th 2013 6:22 pm
haha rofl
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 29th 2013 7:57 pm
Remember When?
little house with three bedrooms,
one bathroom and one car on the street.
A mower that you had to push
to make the grass look neat.

In the kitchen on the wall
we only had one phone,
And no need for recording things,
someone was always home.

We only had a living room
where we would congregate,
unless it was at mealtime
in the kitchen where we ate.

We had no need for family rooms
or extra rooms to dine.
When meeting as a family
those two rooms would work out fine.

We only had one TV set
and channels maybe two,
But always there was one of them
with something worth the view.

For snacks we had potato chips
that tasted like a chip.
And if you wanted flavor
there was Lipton's onion dip.

Store-bought snacks were rare because
my mother liked to cook
and nothing can compare to snacks
in Betty Crocker's book.

Weekends were for family trips
or staying home to play.
We all did things together --
even go to church to pray.

When we did our weekend trips
depending on the weather,
no one stayed at home because
we liked to be together.

Sometimes we would separate
to do things on our own,
but we knew where the others were
without our own cell phone.

Then there were the movies
with your favorite movie star,
and nothing can compare
to watching movies in your car.

Then there were the picnics
at the peak of summer season,
pack a lunch and find some trees
and never need a reason.

Get a baseball game together
with all the friends you know,
have real action playing ball --
and no game video.

Remember when the doctor
used to be the family friend,
and didn't need insurance
or a lawyer to defend?

The way that he took care of you
or what he had to do,
because he took an oath and strived
to do the best for you.

Remember going to the store
and shopping casually,
and when you went to pay for it
you used your own money?

Nothing that you had to swipe
or punch in some amount,
and remember when the cashier person
had to really count?

The milkman used to go
from door to door,
And it was just a few cents more
than going to the store.

There was a time when mailed letters
came right to your door,
without a lot of junk mail ads
sent out by every store.

The mailman knew each house by name
and knew where it was sent;
there were not loads of mail addressed
to "present occupant."

There was a time when just one glance
was all that it would take,
and you would know the kind of car,
the model and the make.

They didn't look like turtles
trying to squeeze out every mile;
they were streamlined, white walls, fins
and really had some style.

One time the music that you played
whenever you would jive,
was from a vinyl, big-holed record
called a forty-five.

The record player had a post
to keep them all in line
and then the records would drop down
and play one at a time.

Oh sure, we had our problems then,
just like we do today
and always we were striving,
trying for a better way.
Oh, the simple life we lived
still seems like so much fun,
how can you explain a game,
just kick the can and run?

And why would boys put baseball cards
between bicycle spokes
and for a nickel, red machines
had little bottled Cokes?

This life seemed so much easier
and slower in some ways.
I love the new technology
but I sure do miss those days.

So time moves on and so do we
and nothing stays the same,
but I sure love to reminisce
and walk down memory lane.
With all today's technology
we grant that it's a plus!
But it's fun to look way back and say,
Hey Look, guys, THAT WAS US!
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 29th 2013 8:09 pm


Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.


The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"


Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.


"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.


The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"


"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'd thuffocate!"
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 29th 2013 8:31 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 30th 2013 2:01 pm
“Doctor, you told me I have a month to live and then you sent me a bill for

$1,000! I can’t pay that before the end of the month!”

“Okay, you have six months to live.”
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 30th 2013 2:18 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 31st 2013 2:31 pm
A man is being interviewed for a job. “What are your qualifications for the job of night watchman?” “The slightest noise wakes me up.”

Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 31st 2013 5:49 pm
Irish Luck

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."**with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"** **She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb.....
But all men...Are men!

**Global Facts About Sex** **At any given moment:
**FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
**FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
**FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
**FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.
**You hang in there, sunshine** **.***
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 31st 2013 5:50 pm






A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.



The doctor says, "I know that you are not married!




Do you know who the father of this baby is?"




The girl thought and then asked, "Doc, if you ate a can of 'Baked Beans', would you know exactly which bean made you fart?"
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 31st 2013 5:54 pm

Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So
when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest
voice, "What's the trouble?"

"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a
card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home.
I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a
thing!"

After apologizing, I got her parcel.

"Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!"

"What is it?" I asked.

"My husband's new hearing aid."
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 31st 2013 5:55 pm
A man is walking behind his wife and says,
"Baby, your arse is getting so fat, it's looking like a washing machine."
The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking.
Bedtime comes around, the man is asking for sex.
The woman says;
"I'm not starting the washing machine for such a small load.
You'll have to hand wash it!"
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 31st 2013 5:56 pm
Description: Description: cid:1.1339546221@web132102.mail.ird.yahoo.com

An 80-year old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor was amazed at the great shape the old fellow was in and asked.

How do you stay in such great physical condition?

I am Scots and I'm a golfer.' Said the old fellow. And that's why I'm in such good shape.

I am up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.

I have a wee nip of whisky on each hole, and that's it.

Well, said the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there has to be more to it.

How old was your dad when he died?

Who said my dad died?'

The doctor was amazed.

You mean you are 80 years old and your dad's still alive. How old is he?

He's a 100 years old. Said the old Scottish golfer. In fact he golfed Wi' me this mornin',

and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and another wee dram, and that's why he's still alive.

He's a Scot and a golfer too.

Well, the doctor said. That's great, but I am sure there's more to it than that. How about your dad's dad?

How old was he when he died?

Who said my grandad is dead?

Stunned, the doctor asked. You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living!

Incredible, how old is he?

He turned 118 last month. Replied the old Scot.

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point:

So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?

No. Grandad could nae go this mornin' because he's getting married today.

At this point the doctor was close to losing it.

Getting married?! Why would a 118-year old bloke want to get married?

Who said he wanted to?
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 31st 2013 6:01 pm
lol
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 31st 2013 6:41 pm
This is a must read for all Texans, Used-to-be Texans, Adopted Texans or Wannabe Texans:

JUST TEXAS
Comfort, Texas
Friendship, Texas
Paradise, Texas
Pep, Texas
Rainbow, Texas
Smiley, Texas
Sweet Home, Texas

Love the Sun?
Sun City, Texas
Sundown, Texas
Sunray, Texas
Sunrise, Texas
Sunset, Texas
Sunny Side, Texas

Want something to eat?
Bacon, Texas
Noodle, Texas
Oatmeal, Texas
Orange, Texas
Pearland, Texas
Rice, Texas
Salty, Texas
Sugarland, Texas
Sweetwater, Texas
Trout, Texas
And top it off with
Turkey, Texas

Why travel to other cities? Texas has them all!
Boston, Texas
Cleveland, Texas
Colorado City, Texas
Columbus, Texas
Denver City, Texas
Detroit, Texas
Klondike, Texas
Memphis, Texas
Miami, Texas
Nevada, Texas
Pasadena, Texas
Reno, Texas
Santa Fe, Texas
Tennessee Colony, Texas

Feel like traveling outside the country?
Athens, Texas
Canadian, Texas
China, Texas
Dublin, Texas

Egypt, Texas
Ireland, Texas
Italy, Texas
London, Texas
New London, Texas
Paris, Texas
Palestine, Texas
Turkey, Texas

No need to travel to Washington D.C.
Whitehouse, Texas

We even have a city named after our planet!
Earth, Texas

We even have a city named after our state
Texas City, Texas

Exhausted?
Energy, Texas

Cold?
Blanket, Texas
Winters, Texas

Like to read about History?
Alamo, Texas
Goliad, Texas
Gun Barrel City, Texas
Robert Lee, Texas
Santa Anna, Texas

Need Office Supplies?
Staples, Texas

Want to go into outer space?
Mars, Texas
Venus, Texas

You guessed it, it's on the state line
Texline, Texas

For the kids
Elmo, Texas
Kermit, Texas
Nemo, Texas
Sylvester, Texas
Tarzan, Texas
Winnie, Texas


Other city names in Texas, to make you smile
Best, Texas
Veribest, Texas
Bigfoot, Texas
Cactus, Texas
Dime Box, Texas
Old Dime Box, Texas
Frognot, Texas
Hogeye, Texas
Kickapoo, Texas
Notrees, Texas
Telephone, Texas
Telegraph, Texas
Twitty, Texas
Whiteface, Texas

And last but not least, the Anti Al Gore City
Kilgore, Texas

And our favorites
Cut n Shoot, Texas
Ding Dong, Texas
Gun Barrell City, Texas
Hoop And Holler, Texas
and, of course,
Muleshoe, Texas

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas

If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there,
you may live in Texas

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
you may live in Texas

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number,
you may live in Texas

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend,
you may live in Texas

If you measure distance in hours,
you may live in Texas

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once,
you may live in Texas

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked,
you may live in Texas

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them,
you may live in Texas

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph, and you're going 80, and everybody's passing you,
you may live in Texas

If you find 60 degrees 'a little chilly,'
you may live in Texas

If you actually understand these jokes, and share them with all your Texas friends,
you definitely live in Texas

Here are some little known, very interesting facts about Texas
Beaumont to El Paso - 742 miles
Beaumont to Chicago - 770 miles
El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas

World's first rodeo was in Pecos, July 4, 1883

The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water.
(Destroyed by Hurricane Ike -2008! )

The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full time coach at Rice University in Houston

Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America

Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America 's only remaining flock of whooping cranes

Jalapeno jelly originated in the town of Lake Jackson in 1978

The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900, caused by a hurricane,
in which over 8,000 lives were lost on Galveston Island

The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was "Houston ,"
but the space center was actually in Clear Lake City at the time

The King Ranch in South Texas is larger than the state of Rhode Island

Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall record of 43” in 24 hours
in and around Alvin, Texas in July of 1979

Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by treaty (known as the Constitution of 1845 by the Republic of Texas to enter the Union) instead of by annexation.
This allows the Texas Flag to fly at the same height as the U.S. Flag

A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old

Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state

Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period in Dr Pepper

Texas has had six capital cities:
Washington on the Brazos
Harrisburg
Galveston
Velasco
West Columbia
and
Austin

The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. that is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington, D.C. (by 7 feet)

The San Jacinto Monument is the tallest free standing monument in the world and it is taller than the Washington monument

The name 'Texas ' comes from the Hasini Indian word 'tejas' meaning friends.
Tejas is not Spanish for Texas

The State Mascot is the Armadillo (An interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies. They have one egg, which splits into four, and they either have four males or four females)

The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston

Cowboy's Ten Commandments
Posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas:
(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No telling tales or gossipin.'
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin.'
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.

Y'all git all that?



Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 01st 2013 2:24 am
VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 01st 2013 4:08 pm

Elderly Jokes :: #547
By Simple Sentiments from USA.

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."


Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 01st 2013 7:43 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 02nd 2013 3:53 pm
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said,

"I think he said: 'Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 03rd 2013 2:02 pm
A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"

"No!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"

Again the answer was "No!"

"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 03rd 2013 2:12 pm
lol
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 03rd 2013 6:42 pm
1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee...

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal - and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law - If you impatiently change lines, when standing, or traffic lanes, while driving, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you moved to.... (works every time)

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

10. Law of Bio-Mechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater &Hockey Arena - At any given event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the restroom and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated with the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!!

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy As soon as you find a product that you really like—they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But, don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 03rd 2013 9:14 pm
rofl True
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 04th 2013 9:19 pm
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?"

The trainer replied; “Use the ATM outside the gym!!!"
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 04th 2013 10:57 pm
OH Bob, you can do better than that....
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 05th 2013 2:05 pm
A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 06th 2013 10:19 pm
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life." The child thought about this for a moment. "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 07th 2013 2:56 am
Subject: The Sensuous Wife



"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.


"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.

"Uh, no," he said.

She gave him another sexy little smile,seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," he said, now really intrigued…




"Well, go look in the garage...
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 07th 2013 3:02 am
lol
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 07th 2013 3:12 am


Bathtub Test

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Long-Term Care Home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person ~ to empty the bathtub."




"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."





"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 07th 2013 2:03 pm
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 07th 2013 2:07 pm
lol
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 07th 2013 4:02 pm
Now thats the BOB I know....More Bobby more....
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 07th 2013 8:02 pm
laugh
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 07th 2013 11:50 pm
THE LUSH!

The young married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant
when the wife looks over at a nearby table
and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks,
"I notice you've been watching that man for some time now.
Do you know him?"

"Yes", she replies, "he's my ex-husband,
and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable", the husband replies,
"I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 07th 2013 11:50 pm
PILOT'S HELL!

Mac died at the controls of his plane and went to pilots' hell,
where he found a hideous devil and three doors.

The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms."

"I'll be right back, don't go away", said the devil, and he vanished.

Sneaking over to the first door, Mac peeked in and saw a cockpit
where the pilot was condemned to forever run through pre-flight checks.

He slammed that door and peeked into the second.
There, alarms rang and red lights flashed
while a pilot had to avoid one emergency after another.

Unable to imagine a worse fate, Mac cautiously opened the third door.

He was amazed to see many beautiful, scantily clad flight attendants
answering to a captain's every whim.

He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared.

"Okay, Mac" said the devil, "Which door will it be, number 1 or number 2?"

"Um, I want door number 3" answered Mac.

"Sorry" said the devil.
"You can't have door number 3.
That's flight attendants' hell."

Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 07th 2013 11:57 pm

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?' She asked.

'Hunting Flies' He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.


Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'


v

v

v


He responded,


'3 were on a beer can...,


2 were on the phone.'
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 08th 2013 12:00 am
My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving."

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore.

"The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying,

'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 08th 2013 3:29 pm
Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for water?"

Little Johnny replies, "HIJKLMNO"!!

The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?"

Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 08th 2013 4:52 pm
rofl
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 09th 2013 1:52 pm

Gender Slam :: #14990
By AV BOSS from MIDRAND GAUTENG South Africa

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.



Posted By: Tequila Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 09th 2013 9:18 pm
OK, Bob....so ya like them little Johnny jokes?

Well, one day little Johnny was in 3rd grade English class, when the teacher (who knew little Johnny's reputation pretty well)asked the students to think of a new word that they'd recently heard and use it correctly in a sentence. All went well until it came to Johnny's turn. When the teacher asked him what word he'd like to use, he smiled and said" "Urinate"

"Oh My God!" the teacher thought now, "What's he going to come up with this time? Oh, well, at least he didn't say "piss"

"OK, Johnny use it in a sentence."

Johnny smiled a wicked grin and said: "My Father says "Urinate!!"
"But if ya had TITS, ya'd be a TEN!!"
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 10th 2013 3:13 am
rofl
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 10th 2013 12:38 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 10th 2013 9:05 pm
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a United States congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."



Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 10th 2013 9:29 pm
lolthe truth !
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 11th 2013 2:07 pm
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a

“Living Will”

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine

and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."



His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.



Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 11th 2013 2:25 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 12th 2013 2:28 pm
LITTLE JOHNNY AND FATHER JOSEPH
Little Johnny was on his way back home from the store with a
loaf of bread in one hand, and his other hand in his pants
pocket.

Off in the distance, Father Joseph sees little
Johnny and realizes this is the perfect opportunity to go preach the gospel of the Holy Bible to the young boy.

Father Joseph approaches little Johnny and says, "I see that you have the "Staff of Life" in one hand."

"Yep," replies little Johnny. "And I have a loaf of bread in
the other!"
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 12th 2013 4:21 pm
rofl
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 13th 2013 10:39 am
HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 13th 2013 6:55 pm
When a woman got married she put a shoebox in the closet and told her husband not to open it. After over 50 years of marriage she was dying and told him to open the box. When he opened it there were 2 doilies and $85,000.00 He ask why this was in the box. She replied “when I got married my mother told me to crochet a doily every time I got mad at you. He smile thinking she was only mad twice and ask what the $85,000.00 was. She replied that's the money from selling the doilies.

Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 13th 2013 11:55 pm
thats funny
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 14th 2013 3:54 pm
Little Johnny's teacher says, "Class, today we are going to learn multi-syllable words. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, "Me, Miss Finch!"

Miss Finch turns towards the eager young lad, "All right, Little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable
word?"

Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate".

Miss Finch smiles and says, "Well, little Johnny, that sure is a mouthful!".

Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Finch, you're thinking of a blowjob".
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 15th 2013 2:07 pm
A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles."

She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere. " The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 15th 2013 6:32 pm
Thats great.....
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 15th 2013 7:03 pm
rofl
Posted By: Starlord Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 16th 2013 12:54 am
What makes chicks and rocks similar? The flat ones get skipped.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 16th 2013 1:44 pm
Q. Why did Mrs. Smokey the Bear divorce Smokey the Bear?

A. Because every time she got hot, he'd beat her with a shovel!

Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 16th 2013 1:57 pm
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on it's own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the blasted thing.

It use to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.


Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its head'
And watch me tie my shoes.
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 16th 2013 3:59 pm
Originally Posted by DrBob
Q. Why did Mrs. Smokey the Bear divorce Smokey the Bear?

A. Because every time she got hot, he'd beat her with a shovel!





Bob thats not fair I was reading & drinking coffee...now my lap top is covered in coffee !

Thanks buddy....lol
Posted By: MrHoney Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 16th 2013 4:03 pm
DVC FOR LIFE (CLUB IS NOT ACCEPTING NEW MEMBERS) ONLY WOLVES ALLOWED
free your mind and think for yourself
American bred
haha rofl haha
Posted By: MACE Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 16th 2013 4:21 pm
Looks like I have a "stalker" that stalks my every post.
and this time its a fat bloated ol man
scary stuff
haha rofl
Posted By: MrHoney Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 16th 2013 4:56 pm
Just putting you in the right thread there Donny rofl
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 17th 2013 12:07 pm
MY FIRST CONDOM

I recall my first time with a condom. I was just 17, and I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Erlichs Drugstore. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt
the young lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.
She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, not really."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
Apparently I still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was. "Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. "Well, come on." she said. "We don’t have much time."
So I climbed onto her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" she asked. I said, "Sure did, and held up my thumb to show her."
That's when she beat the living shit out of me.
Women have always been hard for me to figure ou
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 17th 2013 12:45 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 17th 2013 2:35 pm
Mo attends to a revival and listens to the sermon. After a while, the pastor asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Mo gets in line and, when it’s his turn the pastor asks, “Mo, what do you want me to pray about?” Mo says, “Pastor, I need you to pray for my hearing.” So the pastor puts one finger in Mo’s ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays for a while. He removes his hands and says, “Mo how’s your hearing now?” Mo says, “I don’t know pastor, it’s not until next Monday.
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 17th 2013 3:40 pm
lol
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 18th 2013 8:24 pm
rofl
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 18th 2013 8:52 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 24th 2013 2:31 am
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 24th 2013 9:59 pm
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. “Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.” “Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 25th 2013 8:46 pm
lol
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 28th 2013 12:08 pm
Why, Why, Why...

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 29th 2013 11:23 am

A senior couple pulls up to a gas station:

Attendant: How may I help you?

Old Man: Please fill it up.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.

Attendant: So, where are you heading?

Old Man: To Chicago to see our Grandchildren.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to see the Grand kids.

Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive.

Old Man: Yes, it's been quite pleasant.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He said its good weather.

Attendant: Where are you coming from?

Old Man: We started our trip from Pittsburgh.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He asked where we're from and I said Pittsburgh.

Attendant: I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She talked a lot and was lousy in bed.

Old lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He says he knows you!
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 29th 2013 4:34 pm
A brilliant magician was performing on an ocean liner. But every time he did a trick, a talking cat in the audience would scream, "It's a trick. It's not magic. You're a big phony!"

Then one night during a storm, the ship sank while the magician was performing. And who should end up in the same lifeboat together, all alone, but the talking cat and the magician! For three days, they glared at each other, neither one saying a word to the other. Finally the cat sighed and said, "All right, smart-aleck. You and your darn tricks. What did you do with the ship?"

Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 29th 2013 5:22 pm
lol
Posted By: spanishfly Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 01st 2013 2:38 am
My friend and I go for a cruise in my van. After a couple of hours we stop at a back roads bar. After we order a couple of beers we notice an orangutan sittin alone drinking a beer at the end of the bar. My friend decides to ask the bartender, "What's up with the orangutan?" The bartender says, "I'll show you what's up!" He grabs this rubber bat from behind the bar walks around the bar and whacks the orangutan across the top of the head. The orangutan shakes it off and slides off the bar stool, unzips the bartenders pants and proceeds to give the bartender a hummer. After a few minutes, still in shock from what I just saw, the bartender turns to my friend and says, "Do you want to try it? "And to my amazement my friend says, "Hell yeah, just don't hit me so hard with the Bat!"
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 01st 2013 5:26 pm
rofl
Posted By: CatFish Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 01st 2013 6:15 pm
This letter was sent to the School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

Dear Lions Bay School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to go screw herself.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,

Edna
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 01st 2013 7:07 pm
Good one
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 01st 2013 7:21 pm
------------ lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 01st 2013 9:41 pm
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against .... get this .... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued ... and won!! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the j udge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 02nd 2013 12:27 am
For REAL ?
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 02nd 2013 11:06 pm
A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said,” I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided, “I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 03rd 2013 10:40 pm
Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking." They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, sir," the driver replies. "I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks. "Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight." "Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?" "That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. " You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the patch."

Posted By: spanishfly Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 05th 2013 12:40 am
One day a hot MILF is at the checkstand paying for her groceries. She notices the young strapping courtesy clerk bagging her groceries. After she analyzes every inch of his body with lustful desire she inquires, "Young man could you help me out with my groceries?" The tan young man replies with enthusiasm, "Why yes maam, I would be happy to help you out!" On the way out to her car she leans in close to the young man's ear and whispers, "I got an itch'y pussy" To which the bewildered boy answers, "Maam, I'll tell ya,
"I can't tell one Japanese Import from another!!!!" stupid
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 05th 2013 2:54 pm
Dolphins are so intelligent that within a few weeks of captivity they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish three times a day.
Posted By: Hoagie Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 05th 2013 11:59 pm
Two guys are sitting at a bar. One guy says to the other, "Do you know that lions have sex 10 or 15 times a night?". The other guy says, "Damn, I just joined the Rotary Club."
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 06th 2013 2:44 am
Originally Posted by Hoagie
Two guys are sitting at a bar. One guy says to the other, "Do you know that lions have sex 10 or 15 times a night?". The other guy says, "Damn, I just joined the Rotary Club."


.......... lol
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 06th 2013 10:13 am
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 06th 2013 10:34 pm
One guy to another, “Last week I took the first step towards getting divorced.”

“Did you see a lawyer?”

“No, I got married.”


Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 07th 2013 12:04 pm
haha
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 07th 2013 10:34 pm
For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

5. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 08th 2013 2:41 am
haha
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 08th 2013 2:17 pm
Frank was madly in love with Susan, but couldn’t get up enough courage to pop the question face to face. Finally he decided to ask her on the telephone. “Darling! He blurted out, “Will you marry me?”

“Of course, I will, you silly boy,” she replied, “Who’s speaking?”

Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 08th 2013 5:19 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 09th 2013 2:21 pm
Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, saying, "Johnny, this is where you came from."

Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting that all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."

"Why?" one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd".
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 10th 2013 9:21 pm
A preacher was walking down the street when he notices a little boy trying to ring the doorbell but it's just out of his reach. he watches his efforts for some time and walks over to press the the bell. After he pressed it he leveled down to the boy and asked' "Now what?" to which the boy turned and shouted, "NOW WE RUN!!"
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 11th 2013 8:31 pm

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination.One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry, too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive, I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him.

"At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died." The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell, but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding' in this cedar chest....."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 12th 2013 2:19 pm
Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 12th 2013 2:41 pm
---------- rofl
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 13th 2013 2:39 am
haha
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 13th 2013 10:18 am
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 13th 2013 2:35 pm
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 13th 2013 2:57 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 14th 2013 2:34 pm
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells.

The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 14th 2013 4:10 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 15th 2013 5:55 pm
There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.

The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.

He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"

The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 15th 2013 6:30 pm
How true this is....Cal trans workers 1 works and 3 others watch...
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 17th 2013 12:29 am
One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It ain't my finger either".
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 17th 2013 10:20 am
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 17th 2013 3:38 pm
An elderly couple is beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to. So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong with, just typical memory loss associated with old age. He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things. The couple goes home and that evening while watching T.V. the man gets up and heads for the kitchen. His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns. He says he will, and she says he should write it down. "I’m just going to the kitchen, I'll remember." "Well, I want that with nuts, too." "O.K. he says ice cream with nuts." She asks again if he's going to write it down. "No, I'm just going to the kitchen." "And a Cherry on the top?" He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again a bout writing it down. Now the old man is angry, "Look, old lady I'm not senile, I can remember ice cream with nuts and a cherry on top." He goes in the kitchen for 10 minutes and when he returns he sets a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his wife. She looks up and says, "Honey, you forgot my toast."
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 17th 2013 5:07 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 18th 2013 3:02 pm
A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 19th 2013 11:53 am
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 19th 2013 2:18 pm
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer

interested?

PUPILS: A teacher.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 20th 2013 2:29 pm
This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died. At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head "yes". The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no”. Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men. Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why. The farmer replied,” Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked,’ That mule for sale?'
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 20th 2013 4:24 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 21st 2013 5:30 pm
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where?"


Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 21st 2013 8:11 pm
lol
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 21st 2013 9:21 pm
lol
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 23rd 2013 7:17 pm
Over priced Crap tools ... look at the gen at the bottom, some funny sh*t there...

http://www.kmstools.com/pages/competitor-79

[Linked Image]
Posted By: Uncle_Leon Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 23rd 2013 7:33 pm
I love it. I think I have a few of those gauges lying around at work.
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 23rd 2013 9:46 pm
lol
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 26th 2013 11:52 am


Little Johnny went to his first school dance. He didn't know if he would ever get up the nerve to ask a girl out to dance.

As the night went on everybody was dancing except Little Johnny. He just sat in the corner looking at everyone having fun.

Finally as the last song started to play Little Johnny spotted two very cute girls across the room sitting at their table. He walked over and asked one if she would like to dance.

She looked him up and down and said "I am sorry but I am very particular with whom I dance with."

Little Johnny being the smart boy that he is, replied, "You can damned will see that I am not."
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 26th 2013 11:53 am

Male Translations for Women


These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated: "I make the messes; she cleans them up."
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 26th 2013 11:54 am
lol
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 26th 2013 11:56 am
Amish Woman



An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home." True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would put a new one on immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brak
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 26th 2013 1:47 pm
Originally Posted by starwars
Amish Woman



An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

- lol
"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home." True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would put a new one on immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brak



____ lol
Posted By: spanishfly Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 26th 2013 6:38 pm
Originally Posted by starwars
Amish Woman



An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home." True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would put a new one on immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brak
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 28th 2013 4:41 pm
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.

In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.

Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"

The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you God, for the food I'm about to receive..."
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 28th 2013 4:45 pm
Oh yeah....good one Bob
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 28th 2013 6:40 pm
Winter Blondes

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.

She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up, and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in PENNSYLVANIA and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 28th 2013 8:31 pm
lol
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 28th 2013 8:56 pm
lol
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 29th 2013 6:01 am


Government Pipe Specifications

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.

6. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.

7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words "very long pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a very long pipe.

8. All pipe over 6" (152 mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.

9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.

10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 29th 2013 2:37 pm
Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other "professor," and generally causing quite a stir. When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months! "TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!"

"Oh yeah?" says one drunk. "The box said 2-4 YEARS!"
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 29th 2013 4:49 pm
Where do you find these !!!!
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 30th 2013 10:38 am
Originally Posted by frscke1
Where do you find these !!!!


yeah Where? grin
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 30th 2013 1:24 pm
Originally Posted by Wizard78
Originally Posted by frscke1
Where do you find these !!!!


yeah Where? grin


There's a site for everything Wiz... lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 30th 2013 8:47 pm
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing."

Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 30th 2013 8:56 pm
rofl
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 30th 2013 9:11 pm
Out of the mouth of babes....
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 31st 2013 2:36 pm
There were 3 friends stranded in an island. Exploring the island, the 3 men found a bottle so they opened it. A genie came out, and she said that she would grant them 3 wishes. The first man said, "I wish I was with my family" then poof he was with his family. The second guy said "I wish I was in a bar with my friends" then poof he was gone. The third guy was feeling bad and the genie asked, "What's wrong?" The man said, I'm lonely I wish my friends were here. Poof, his two friends were back in the island.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 02nd 2013 12:50 am
Little Lucy was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Lucy, who created the universe?" When Lucy didn't stir, Little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty! " shouted Lucy and the teacher said, "Very good," and Lucy fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Lucy, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Lucy didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Lucy and the teacher said, "Very good," and Lucy fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Lucy a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? And again, Johnny Jabbed her with the pin. This time Lucy jumped up and shouted,

"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
Posted By: Hoagie Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 02nd 2013 3:00 pm
Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?

A: Look for sesame seed buns.
Posted By: Hoagie Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 02nd 2013 3:04 pm
Perplexed White House staffers see Bill Clinton walk into the Oval Office with a pair of woman's panties pinned to his sleeve.

As the day wears on, several VIPs go in and out of the Oval Office, each one leaving with a puzzled expression.

Finally, Betty Currie, Clinton's loyal secretary, walks into the office and gently closes the door behind her. "Mr. President," she says. "We're all quite concerned that you seem to be wearing a woman's pair of panties on your arm."

"Oh no," the President grins, "it's the patch. I'm trying to quit."
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 02nd 2013 3:12 pm
Thats funnny....The patch on his arm, Cigars in his top pocket & Monica in the waiting room ....lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 02nd 2013 8:18 pm
An Old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg. “I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.” “That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.” “How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor. “Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 02nd 2013 8:30 pm
lol
Posted By: Hoagie Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 02nd 2013 8:30 pm
That is a good one, my knees tel me the same thing.
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 02nd 2013 9:14 pm
lol
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 04th 2013 1:44 am
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the
yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is a couple sex? The grandfather
was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if
she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough
to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all
about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go
along with it.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her
mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on
her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question,
honey?

The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will
be ready in just a couple sec
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 04th 2013 2:04 am
Ooops
Posted By: Hoagie Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 04th 2013 2:12 am

Q: What do have when there are two small green balls in your hand?

A: Kermit The Frogs complete attention.
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 04th 2013 2:22 am
Who Is Jack Schitt?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?


We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'


Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.


Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.


Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and
owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.


In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious
couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt,
Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.


Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout.


After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe
Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living
with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known
as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.


Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son
with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.


Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony.



The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials.


The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.


Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.


He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.


Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.


Sincerely,


Crock O. Schitt
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 04th 2013 2:30 am
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes .

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 04th 2013 2:50 am
Originally Posted by frscke1
Who Is Jack Schitt?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?


We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'


Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.


Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.


Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and
owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.


In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious
couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt,
Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.


Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout.


After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe
Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living
with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known
as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.


Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son
with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.


Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony.



The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials.


The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.


Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.


He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.


Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.


Sincerely,


Crock O. Schitt


Now that is funny ! rofl
Posted By: Hoagie Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 04th 2013 3:24 am
Most people do not recognize the long lost third cousin.Stew P.Id Aze Schitt.Just kidding good stuff.
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 04th 2013 10:14 am
Originally Posted by frscke1
Who Is Jack Schitt?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?


We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'


Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.


Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.


Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and
owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.


In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious
couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt,
Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.


Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout.


After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe
Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living
with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known
as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.


Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son
with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.


Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony.



The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials.


The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.


Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.


He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.


Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.


Sincerely,


Crock O. Schitt


lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 05th 2013 12:40 am
They were watching a TV soap opera, and he became irritated by the way his wife was taking it to heart. “How can you sit there and cry about the made-up troubles of people you’ve never even met?” he demanded.

“The same way you can jump up and scream when some guy you’ve never met scores a touchdown,” she replied.

Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 05th 2013 10:26 am
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 05th 2013 3:37 pm
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.

Now you know why they call it a workstation!
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 07th 2013 5:00 pm
An independent voter was exploring the candidates and their parties.

He asked a campaigner of a party, "who represents your candidate?"

The campaigner answered, "Donkey".

The voter asked a campaigner of another party the same question.

The campaigner answered, "Elephant".

The voter then asked his wife, "who should I vote for - Donkey or Elephant?"

The wife suggested, "either one; both are same - animals."

Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 08th 2013 4:16 pm
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a group of four men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken..."
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 08th 2013 4:30 pm
rofl
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 08th 2013 6:56 pm
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance." God smiled,

"There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there."
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 08th 2013 6:57 pm
A man's wife had been missing for over a week, and the police told him to "prepare for the worst".
The next day he went to the thrift store...
and got all her clothes back.
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 08th 2013 6:58 pm

A man brings his best buddy back home for dinner.

His wife screams at him, "My hair & makeup are not done,
the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in
my pajamas & I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!!!

What the f*** did you bring him around for?"

Cause he's thinking of getting married."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 08th 2013 7:45 pm
Old Bubba was fishing along the Bayou for catfish one day when he spots a water moccasin slithering across the water with a toad in its mouth. Being a longtime fisherman, he knows the best bait for large catfish are toads. In a flash, Bubba grabs the snake from behind and carefully removes the toad from its mouth and puts the toad in his side bag. Fearing the angry snake would bite him; Bubba grabs his bottle of daddy's moonshine from his pocket and carefully pours 2 drops into the snake's mouth. The snake's eyes glaze over and quickly go limp. Bubba carefully places the snake back in the water.

A few hours later, Bubba is just about to head back home, when he feels something tapping on his leg. He looks down and is amazed to see the same water moccasin with 2 frogs in its mouth.
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 09th 2013 11:49 am
rofl Bubba
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 09th 2013 3:37 pm
It's a hot summer day and Jake and Harry are in a ditch digging away. Meanwhile, Ralph is up under the shade of a tree sipping on a cool drink. Jake asks Harry, "Why are we down here digging in the hot Sun while Ralph is being cool up there?" Harry says, "I don't know, I'll go ask him". Harry goes up and asks Ralph, "Why are you up here in the shade drinking a cool drink and Jake and I are in the ditch digging in the hot sun?" Ralph says, "'cause I've got smarts". "What's that? Asks Harry. Ralph puts his hand in front of the tree and says, "Hit my hand as hard as you can". Harry swings his fist at Ralph’s hand, Ralph moves his hand and Harry hits the tree, hurting his hand. Ralph, says "I knew to pull my hand away, that’s called having smarts". Harry goes back in the ditch and Jake asks, "What did he say?" Ralph says, "Its cause he has smarts." "What's that? Asks Jake. Har ry puts his hand in front of his face and says. "Hit my hand!"
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 09th 2013 4:55 pm
lol
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 09th 2013 6:49 pm
Originally Posted by DrBob
It's a hot summer day and Jake and Harry are in a ditch digging away. Meanwhile, Ralph is up under the shade of a tree sipping on a cool drink. Jake asks Harry, "Why are we down here digging in the hot Sun while Ralph is being cool up there?" Harry says, "I don't know, I'll go ask him". Harry goes up and asks Ralph, "Why are you up here in the shade drinking a cool drink and Jake and I are in the ditch digging in the hot sun?" Ralph says, "'cause I've got smarts". "What's that? Asks Harry. Ralph puts his hand in front of the tree and says, "Hit my hand as hard as you can". Harry swings his fist at Ralph’s hand, Ralph moves his hand and Harry hits the tree, hurting his hand. Ralph, says "I knew to pull my hand away, that’s called having smarts". Harry goes back in the ditch and Jake asks, "What did he say?" Ralph says, "Its cause he has smarts." "What's that? Asks Jake. Har ry puts his hand in front of his face and says. "Hit my hand!"


lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 10th 2013 9:27 pm
Farmer picks up an American Indian hitch hiking. The Indian is a man of few words but eventually looks at the brown paper bag in between them and asks, "Mmm, What in bag?" The farmer says, "It's a bottle of wine that I got for my wife". Indian thinks for a second and say, "Mmm, good trade".
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 11th 2013 6:47 am
tonight on Jay Leno.....

"A mini van crashed thru the front window of a Taco bell, lucky it was a Taco Bell cause everybody is in the bathroom in the back."
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 11th 2013 9:17 am
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 11th 2013 4:06 pm
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 11th 2013 4:12 pm
rofl
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 12th 2013 2:28 pm
'Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,'

I informed him.

'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'

'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. !

'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I
had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it :

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, never wore Levis, never set foot on a golf course, never traveled out of the country or had a credit card.

In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck.

Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer.

I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19. It was, of course, black and white, had three channels and the station went off the air at
midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a..m. and there was usually a locally produced
news and farm show on, featuring local people.

I was 21 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.' When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers-- my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a
paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get up at 6AM every morning.

On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly
produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.


If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren.

Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend :

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a
stopper with a bunch of holes in it.. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.

Ignition switches on the dashboard.

Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall (car).

Real ice boxes.

Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.

Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.

Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz :


Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.
Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines on the telephone
8 Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10.Butch wax
11.TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3
channels... [if you were fortunate])
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S & H green stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You' re older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 12th 2013 11:31 pm
All 25, I must be old LOL.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 12th 2013 11:32 pm
There's a lot to be said about marital bliss...

A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you 're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."

Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 13th 2013 12:09 am
You are getting OLD ....that last joke was a repeat by you !!!

They say the memory is the 1st to go....LOL
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 13th 2013 9:32 pm
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 13th 2013 11:17 pm
lol
Posted By: Hoagie Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 14th 2013 1:23 am
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pissed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"
Posted By: Hoagie Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 14th 2013 2:59 am
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.

When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.

His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''

''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.

''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.

''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!''
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 14th 2013 9:22 am
lol
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 14th 2013 1:38 pm
---- rofl
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 15th 2013 9:54 pm
Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.


George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 16th 2013 12:33 am
lol
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 16th 2013 12:45 am
[Linked Image]
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 16th 2013 12:46 am
A blonde walks into a bank in central New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in central New York City can I park my Rolls for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" - See more at: http://forums.coolridesonline.net/s...E-OF-THE-DAY-thread#sthash.BWkSrPQq.dpuf
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 16th 2013 12:47 am
Plane Crash

OK there’s a plane that crashes on a deserted island.

The male pilot has only minutes to live, he tells the 3 ladies he has with him on the plane that he saw an island with people on it just a mile away and they can swim to it.

The Brunette Lady says “OK I’m going to try”, she gets in the water and swims out a ¼ mile; she can’t make it and drowns.

The Red Head Lady says “Ok I’m going to try”, she gets in the water and swims out a ½ mile; she can’t make it and drowns.

The Blonde Lady say’s “OK I’m going to try”; she gets in the water and swims out ¾ a mile; she thinks she can’t make it, so she turns around and swims back to the deserted island………………………
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 16th 2013 12:50 am
Joe calls his boss in the morning to “call in sick”; he’s worked for him for over twenty years and has never called in sick.

The boss says, you can’t call in sick, I really need you today!!! There’s this big job I need you for.

The Boss go’s on to tell Joe here’s what you do, when I’m sick I just roll the wife over and give here a good roll in the hey. With in an hour or so I feel a lot better and I can go to work.

So Joe says AH OK I’ll try it.

Well an hour and a half later Joe shows up to work and the boss go’s over to him and says; well I see you took my advice and you where able to make it into work after all.

Joe answers the boss back; ya I took your advice and I feel a lot better now, and by the way you have a real nice house!!! -
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 16th 2013 12:52 am
Dan married an identical twin. Less then a year later he was in court filing for a divorce.

"Tell the court why you want a divorce," the Judge said.

"Well, Your Honor," Dan stated, "Every once in a while my sister-in-law would come for a visit.
Because she and my wife are so identical, sometimes I'd end up sleeping with her by mistake."

"Now, surely, there must be some difference between the two women," the Judge said.

"Exactly, Your Honor. That's why I want the divorce !!!”
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 16th 2013 12:53 am
Five Tips For A Woman



1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn’t lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don’t know each other.
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 16th 2013 12:55 am
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniorsare so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.


So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 16th 2013 12:56 am

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 16th 2013 12:59 am
Things you can only say at Thanksgiving or Christmas
________________________________________


1: I prefer breasts to legs.

2: Smother the butter all over the breasts.

3: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

4: If I don't undo my trousers I'll burst.

5: I've never seen a better spread.

6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. Just wait your turn you'll get some.

9. Don't play with your meat.

10. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

11. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

12. You still have a little bit on your chin.

13. How long will it take after you put it in?

14. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

15. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 16th 2013 1:00 am
Ok here's a joke for Halloween...


Halloween Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't

10. She's a goblin!

9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.

8. Let me see your bag ... OH! - You're having a great night!

7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.

6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch!

5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.

4. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.

3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth!

2. You scared me stiff!

1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 16th 2013 1:01 am
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.

Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: 'Are you the owner?'

The pharmacist answers yes.

Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'

Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'

Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '

Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'

Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'

Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'

Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'

Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'

Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'

Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'

Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 16th 2013 1:04 am

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag the
first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to
his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.


Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"


Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"


Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.


Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos, Texas.


Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer,
take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."


Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer.


Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.


Quickly, Jake starts running back.
As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, get the #$%^ away from my deer!"


Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife.
And again he hears her yell, "Get the #$%^ away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!


Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a
Texas game warden with his hands high in the air.


The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady!
You can have your #$%^ deer, just let me get my saddle off it!"
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 16th 2013 1:07 am
Windows vs. Ford Motor Co.

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4.... Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5..... Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6...... The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

I love the next one!

7....... The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8........ Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9......... Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10.......... You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine on/off.

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 16th 2013 1:07 am
The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is
the greatest of the three of them.
•The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
•The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"























Why are you scrolling down?
It's your turn to say something
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 16th 2013 1:08 am
A football coach of an all Redneck team walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "Four?"

"Four?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 16th 2013 1:21 am
19 People Who Are Having A Way Worse Day Than You

1. Anyone that started their modeling career during a rough storm:

[Linked Image]

2. Anyone who lost to themselves while arm wrestling:

[Linked Image]

3. Anyone caught crumpin' way too close to a treadmill:

[Linked Image]

4. Anyone who had to do a tandem trust fall:

[Linked Image]

5. Anyone who just discovered they had superpowers at the WORST POSSIBLE MOMENT:

[Linked Image]


6. Anyone who has a yo-yo with a vendetta:

[Linked Image]

7. Anyone on this boat:

[Linked Image]

8. Anyone who got mad at a defenseless old sign:

[Linked Image]

9. Anyone who was going to jump on this trampoline after this lady:

[Linked Image]

10. Anyone who doesn't know the layout of this convenience store:

[Linked Image]
11. Anyone who is best friends with a juggler:

[Linked Image]

12. Anyone who did the cinnamon challenge:

[Linked Image]

13. Anyone whose friend invented a toilet paper gun:

[Linked Image]

14. Anyone who decided to start working out again today:

[Linked Image]

15. Anyone looking to get lucky with random people on the Internet:

[Linked Image]

16. Anyone trying to break the sound barrier today:

[Linked Image]

17. Anyone who is trying to be Captain America:

[Linked Image]

18. Anyone whose friend wears a flat-brimmed hat:

[Linked Image]


19. And Lindsay Lohan:

[Linked Image]
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 16th 2013 1:25 am
Chili taster named Frank...

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili cook off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome!

Grab a tissue, this is hilarious.

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy COW, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. The Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting WASTED from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. BITTY is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really MAKES ME MAD that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, Sulfuric flames. I POOPED IN MY PANTS when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that WENCH Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my BUTT with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like POOP to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 16th 2013 1:27 am
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning

"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 mins later: "Computer completely broken now."
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 16th 2013 1:30 am
The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.

The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger..."

"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on, Mister..."

"Sheriff?"

"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."

"And that cures them?"

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 16th 2013 1:32 am
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table . . . whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball. "
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left .

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it .Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.
The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man .

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt pulled them out, and ate them!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He will still eat anything, but ever since he had to poop that cue ball, he measures everything first. "
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 17th 2013 9:17 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 17th 2013 9:50 pm
Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're

suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.

"And now someone's suin' them fast food restaurants for making 'em

fat and cloggin' their hearts with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?"

"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"

"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin' can I sue Budweiser

for all them ugly women I've slept with?"

Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 17th 2013 10:01 pm
Yea Bob's back....relieve the watch....Batter up Bob !
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 18th 2013 10:24 pm
Government Philosophy: If it ain't broke, fix it 'till it is.
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 18th 2013 10:45 pm
Then tax you for it
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 18th 2013 11:34 pm
Originally Posted by Wizard78
Then tax you for it


........... yeah
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 18th 2013 11:35 pm
Originally Posted by DrBob
Government Philosophy: If it ain't broke, fix it 'till it is.


... lol
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 19th 2013 3:45 pm
Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)


Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads underwater long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on

at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 19th 2013 11:18 pm

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh! We’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts.

He communicates really well, and I just act like I'm listening."
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 20th 2013 10:43 am
lol
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 20th 2013 11:47 am
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 20th 2013 11:09 pm
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc., everytime I drink coffee, I get terrible pains in my eye."

The doctor says, "Try taking the spoon out first."

Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 21st 2013 12:46 am
------ lol
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 21st 2013 3:48 am
rofl
Posted By: Hoagie Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 22nd 2013 2:44 pm
Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.

A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman. "John, what happened?" Tony asks.

"I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to. The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn income taxes!' whenever we have sex."
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 23rd 2013 12:04 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 23rd 2013 2:30 pm
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 24th 2013 8:42 pm
THE CAT:

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.

The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven.

Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased.

We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms.

Running, running, running; we're tired of running.

Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

Week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here.

Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 24th 2013 8:51 pm
lol
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 25th 2013 1:44 am
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 25th 2013 3:32 am
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 25th 2013 10:13 pm
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you

had to arrest your own mother?"

He said: "Call for backup."
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 26th 2013 10:29 am
lol
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 27th 2013 3:25 am
What Equals 100 Percent?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100 % ? Athletes who claim they're giving 110 %, for example.
What does 100% mean? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Here's a mathematical formula that answers these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%


AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty,
that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 27th 2013 3:39 am
lol True
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 27th 2013 9:45 pm
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... I must be a God!

Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 27th 2013 11:11 pm
True lol
Posted By: Uncle_Fester Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 28th 2013 1:45 pm
An old miner had been out mining for a couple of weeks and came into town to get some food, take a bath, and have a drink. He tied up his mule to the hitching rail outside of the saloon.

A young cowboy who had been drinking whiskey all day came out of the saloon and seethe old man. The young drunk cowboy said to the old miner: Hey old man have you ever learned to dance? The old man replied: No aint never felt the need to. The young kid took out his pistols and started shooting the ground at his feet, the crowd of people started laughing as the old man danced in the dirt trying to dodge the bullets. The young drunk put his 6 shooters back in his holsters and turned around to go back in the bar.

At that time the old miner reached over to his mule and pulled out his 12 gauge shotgun. The crowd grew silent as the old man cocked back the hammers and the clicks rang thru the silent desert air. As the young cowboy turned around he was staring down both barrels of a 12 gauge shotgun. The old man ask the kid: Hey boy have you ever kissed a mules Ass? The kid gulped then replied: No but I've always wanted to!
Posted By: apo234 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 28th 2013 2:31 pm
HAHA!
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 28th 2013 11:42 pm
A police man pulls over a drunk driver for not stopping at a stop sign and asks the driver if he saw the stop sign. The driver replies "I did but it turned red too fast for me to stop."
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 29th 2013 2:11 am
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 30th 2013 3:11 pm
How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

NONE, they never get the house!

Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 30th 2013 6:23 pm
Social Security

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too’
Posted By: apo234 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 30th 2013 6:54 pm
[Linked Image]
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 03rd 2013 1:01 am
A very well-known international furniture and interior decoration D.I.Y. Store recently set up a customer assistance department. The first call they got was from a lady who had purchased a wardrobe early in the morning. She explained that after assembly the wardrobe had crumbled three times when the public transport bus passed in front of her house. The store sent a technician over to her place. He reassembled the wardrobe - which was in the night hall on the second floor - and then went into it to observe what would happen when the bus, which was due a few minutes later, went by. The phone rang just then and the lady went downstairs to take the call. Just then her husband came home from work with a terrible flue condition. Hearing his wife on the phone he trudged upstairs where he found the wardrobe; on opening one of the doors and seeing the man inside he exclaimed "Wha t the dickens are you doing in there!?!" To which the guy replied "I know you'll never believe this, but I'm waiting for the bus!!"

Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 03rd 2013 9:35 am
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 03rd 2013 11:09 pm
I have this big problem, doctor – everyone is calling me crazy just because I love hot dogs …

- That’s stupid, in my opinion – frankly, I adore hot dogs too, but nobody calls me crazy ...

- Really? Great, doctor! Why don’t you come along with me and I’ll show you my collection!

Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 04th 2013 6:01 am


Six Basic Rules For Good Health

1.F***ing once a week is good for your health, every day is even better.

2.F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body.

3.F***ing refreshes you.

4.After F***ing don't eat too much ... Go for more liquids.

5.F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level !!!

SO ... REMEMBER ...

6.**FISHING**is good for your health and soul ...

And may the Good Lord cleanse your Filthy Mind!!!
Posted By: apo234 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 04th 2013 11:58 am
Awesome frscke1!
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 06th 2013 10:50 pm
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 07th 2013 3:43 pm
A teacher in a political science class asked the students, "Who is the most powerful person in the US?"

A student answered, "The First Pet?"

The teacher then asked, "Why?"

The student explained, "Because, the president kneels before him, talks to him, listens to him, follows him, prefers him to office staff, looks after his wellbeing before the voters', cancels/defers official duties in favor of him, and boards Airforce One first."
Posted By: Hoagie Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 07th 2013 6:14 pm
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
Posted By: spanishfly Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 07th 2013 10:07 pm
Originally Posted by Hoagie
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

rofl[Linked Image]
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 10th 2013 6:55 pm
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."

The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
Posted By: apo234 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 10th 2013 7:53 pm
haha!
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 11th 2013 1:41 am

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.
The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.
She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.


I love you.


The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I'm on the toilet. Please advise.
Posted By: Hoagie Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 11th 2013 2:53 am
There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.

Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.''

So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."

''Why?' asked the head nurse.

"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."
Posted By: lukester Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 11th 2013 3:46 am
rofl
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 11th 2013 3:00 pm
Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins"

"That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"

The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"

When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!!
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 12th 2013 6:58 pm
How to give a cat a pill.

1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process.

3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.

8. Tie the little angel’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.

9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.

10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 14th 2013 3:41 pm
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.

"Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 15th 2013 7:23 pm
There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar.

Are you from around here?" The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street."

"No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?"

"Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66.

How 'bout you?"

"Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too." "Where'd you go to college?"

"Beloit, in Wisconsin."

"No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?"

"Kevin Sullivan dorm."

"Sullivan? You're not going to believe this . . ."

Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you won't believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same

high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?"

Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing."

A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?" Joe says, "Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again."
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 16th 2013 10:27 am
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 19th 2013 2:54 pm
A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" "To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"

The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.

The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.

He takes the photo, and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"
Posted By: apo234 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 19th 2013 4:30 pm
haha!
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 19th 2013 8:25 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 20th 2013 3:08 pm
Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.

The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.

Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.

Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"

With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"

Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 21st 2013 11:57 am
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 22nd 2013 4:43 pm
A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, "I love you."

The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 22nd 2013 4:53 pm
PHONE REPAIR
Lawrence , Kansas, December 12, 2008

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but the dog moaned and the phone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by
pissing and moaning.
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 22nd 2013 5:39 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 23rd 2013 3:34 pm
Three absent minded writers were busy discussing a writing project on the platform, while waiting for the train. The announcement was made, and the train finally arrived. There was complete panic among eagerly waiting passengers as the train made its way to the platform. Passengers rushed inside the train, and the train left. However, one of the writers was not able to catch the train in the confusion.



A passerby who saw all this came up to the writer and told him not to worry and catch the next available train. The writer replied, “I am not worried for myself, but the real problem is that I was the one who was suppose to catch the train, and the two of them who went on the train, actually came to see me off”.
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 23rd 2013 5:11 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 24th 2013 10:39 pm
Two old men were sitting in the yard outside the care home one day when Tim turned to the other and said "John I'm really feeling my age today I just hurt all over, how are you feeling?

John replied "I feel just like a new born babe"

Tim looked at him startled "A New Born babe really?"

"Yep, I have no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 25th 2013 2:55 am
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 25th 2013 1:31 pm
;;;;;;;; lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 26th 2013 12:46 am
A man goes into a pet shop, wanting to buy a bird. He sees a beautiful bird, the loveliest he's ever seen, and asks how much it is. The shop owner replies 'that bird is $1000'. 'What?!?' cries the man, '$1000 for a bird? What does it do?’ 'Well, I'm glad you asked.' says the shop owner, 'you see, that bird can sing every female role in the ring cycle from memory.' The man thinks, ok but I can't afford the bird. He sees a shorter, but still beautiful, bird and asks how much that one is. 'That bird is $2000' replies the shop owner, and the man asks what this bird can do. 'Well, he can play any Paganini concerto you request on the violin from memory' the man thinks wow, but I really can't afford that bird. He then sees an ancient, hunched, half-dead, ugly, bald bird croaking in the corner of the cage, and, thinking that this bird couldn't cost very much, enquires. 'Oh, that b ird is $20000' he is told by the owner. Flabbergasted, the man asks what this bird does. 'Oh, we haven't found out yet' the owner replies, 'but the other two call him 'Maestro''
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 27th 2013 12:41 am
Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 28th 2013 12:00 am
A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"

The wife says, "Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?"

He says, "I don't care! Just be out by the end of the week!"

Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 28th 2013 11:52 am
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 28th 2013 11:42 pm
Three drunks hailed a taxi. The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here. The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him. The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch. So what was that for, he asked. Control your speed next time, you almost killed us.
Posted By: lukester Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 29th 2013 12:13 am


lol
Posted By: apo234 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 29th 2013 12:13 am
Awesome bob!!! Haha
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 29th 2013 12:35 am
.......... rofl
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 29th 2013 10:43 pm
A man sat down and was seriously staring at the marriage certificate, after a long time his wife asked, “What are you looking for? He replied, “The expiration date.”
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 30th 2013 12:20 am
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.
His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.
"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something.
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store...
He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it..
Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets a diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"

Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 30th 2013 9:07 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 30th 2013 9:54 pm
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 30th 2013 9:58 pm
BUSTED !!!
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 31st 2013 9:52 pm
The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Er... How much for a season pass?"
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 01st 2013 8:59 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 01st 2013 10:14 pm
A young bride tells her friend, “Paul keeps telling everyone he’s going to marry the most beautiful girl in the world.”

“ What a shame! And after all the time you’ve been engaged!”
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 01st 2013 11:03 pm
rofl
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 02nd 2013 8:59 pm
Her minister told an eighty-year-old woman that, at her age, she should be giving some thought to what he called “the hereafter.” She said to him, “I think about it many times a day.”

“Oh, really?” said the minister. “That is very wise.”

“It’s not a matter of wisdom,” she replied. “It’s when I open a drawer or a closet, I ask myself, ‘What am I here after?’”
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 04th 2013 4:30 am
Sex After Surgery

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.



A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight."
Posted By: apo234 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 04th 2013 4:41 am
Awesome frscke1
Posted By: aftoyboy Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 04th 2013 5:40 am
An old farmer wrote to his son in prison. "This year I won't b able to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground, I know if you were here you would help me." The son wrote back, "Dad don't think of digging the ground because that's where I buried the guns." Police read the letter and the very next day the whole ground was dug by police looking for guns but nothing was found. The next day the son wrote again, "Now plant your potatoes Dad, it's the best I could do from here.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 04th 2013 9:33 pm
Doctor: What’s wrong with your bother?

Boy: He thinks he is a chicken.

Doctor: really? How long has this been going on?

Boy: Five years.

Doctor: Five years!

Boy: We would have brought him in earlier, but we needed the eggs.

Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 05th 2013 9:32 am
lol
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 05th 2013 11:43 am
TALIAN HONEYMOON

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to this friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa DA treep?"

... Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for DA train ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda DA train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia , she pack a biga basket a food.

She brough at DA vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to DA trip, and open upa DA luncha basket .

The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car..'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to DA dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open DA bottle of a nice a vino!

Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.

While a drinkina DA vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga is finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car ..'

"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through DA hallway shouting at a top of his a voice..

'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 05th 2013 5:33 pm
A Californian and an Arizonian were Elk hunting in the Hualapai Mountains when an illegal alien runs across a clearing.

The Arizonian takes careful aim, shoots, and kills him.

"You can't do that!" cried the Californian.

"No, no... Remember this is a Red State, it's legal here in Arizona" replies the Arizonian.

Later that night the Californian goes to Kingman to buy some beer from Wal-Mart. He puts the beer on the roof of his truck and while he's making room behind the seat, an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away.

The Californian thinks "No problem" draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him.

As he is retrieving his beer the police come and arrest him.

"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Arizona!" protests the Californian.

"Well yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait"
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 05th 2013 5:39 pm
"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"

"Do you drink a lot?"

"Not really - I spill most of it!"
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 05th 2013 8:11 pm
lol
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 07th 2013 2:57 am
The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
"WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2013 models. I saw one I really liked.
"MAN: "How much?
"WOMAN: "$65,000.
"MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
"WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted lastyear is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.
"WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!
"MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 07th 2013 3:19 am




An elderly woman walked into the Bank of America one morning with a purse full of money.
She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right), an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money.

The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.

Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better, and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president.

"Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that
around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Americ
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 07th 2013 3:32 am
lol
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 07th 2013 6:23 am
A Grandpa & his grandson "Junior" were doing some gardening when they
up-turned a worm, half-way out of his worm-hole.

Junior grabs the worm and exclaims "look Grandpa, I caught a worm!!!"

"Well done Junior" says Grandpa. "Tell ya what, I'll give you a dollar if you can put that worm
back in it's hole"

Junior looks at the worm, thinks for a moment & runs indoors. He comes out with a can of hairspray & gives the worm a
liberal spraying, then returns the worm to his home.

"Well done Junior" exclaims Grandpa with some pride at how smart his Grandson is, "let me go get my wallet"

Grandpa takes rather a long time to return to the garden. Junior here's some odd noises & moans coming from Grandpa's bedroom window too. He eventually returns to Junior outside, all hot & sweaty, and says "Now, here's the dollar I owe you & here's an extra $100 from Grandma".
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 07th 2013 10:13 am
lol
Posted By: apo234 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 07th 2013 12:22 pm
haha!!!!!!
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 07th 2013 9:51 pm
Two men are drinking in a bar. One turns to the other and says, "I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye." The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he's had about enough, so he replies, "OK, you're on." The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it. So the second man has to pay. Awhile later the first man says, "I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye." The second man thinks, well, he can't have TWO glass eyes; he obviously can see. So he says, "All right, you're on." The second man promptly takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 07th 2013 10:05 pm
lol
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 07th 2013 10:42 pm
Originally Posted by DrBob
Two men are drinking in a bar. One turns to the other and says, "I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye." The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he's had about enough, so he replies, "OK, you're on." The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it. So the second man has to pay. Awhile later the first man says, "I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye." The second man thinks, well, he can't have TWO glass eyes; he obviously can see. So he says, "All right, you're on." The second man promptly takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.


The rest of that joke...

So the man goes over and sits with some friends so a while later the man goes back up to the bar and makes this bet, "I bet $500 I can piss this beer bottle full by the time you slide it to the end of the bar....the bar tender scratches his head thinking no one can do that, "your on"....so the guy gets on top of the bar and gets ready, the bar tender has a bottle and slings it down the bar top...the guy is trying to follow the bottle and pissing all over the place.....well the guy hands him $500 goes back to his friends laughing up a storm.....later the guy goes to leave the bar keep stops him and ask "What made you make a fool bet like that".....well I bet you $500 I could fill that bottle and I bet my friends $1000 I could piss all over your bar & you wouldnt say a word....
Posted By: aftoyboy Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 08th 2013 3:38 am
Here's one I heard from my 6 year old nephew.

Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 08th 2013 3:39 am
lol
Posted By: aftoyboy Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 08th 2013 3:49 am
A homeowner notices there's a gorilla in the tree in his front yard. So he calls animal control.
Animal control arrives and hops out his van with a chihuahua, handcuffs, a stick and a shotgun.

Homeowner asks "How are we going to get this gorilla outta here?"

Animal control "What I'm going to do is, climb the tree and poke the gorilla with my stick when he falls my trained chihuahua will run after his nuts, when the gorilla goes to cover his jewels, you place the handcuffs on him and I'll take him away."

"Ok, sounds easy enough" says the homeowner. "But what's the shotgun for?"

Animal control "Well, in case I fall first, shoot the dog."
Posted By: aftoyboy Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 08th 2013 3:57 am
How do you make old ladies say "funk"?
By yelling bingo.


One day an old man and his wife were sitting in their rockers. The old man reached over and grab his wife's breast and said, "If these produced milk, we could get rid of the cow." Then he reached down and grabbed between her legs and said, "If this was a little warmer, we wouldn't need the furnace." The old woman reached over and grabbed his Richard and said, "If this was a little harder, I wouldn't need your brother."
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 08th 2013 10:18 am
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 08th 2013 4:36 pm
A guy walking down a street one afternoon passes an old man sitting on the side of the road with a large sack.

The younger guy says to the old man, "Watcha got in the sack?"

The old man responds, "I got some monkeys in that there sack."

The younger man asks, "If I guess how many monkeys you got in the sack, can I keep one?"

The old man replies, "Son, if you guess how many monkeys I got in this sack, I'll give you both of 'em!"
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 08th 2013 7:00 pm
lol
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 11th 2013 12:17 pm
MY PRIVATE PART DIED

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'





(You've gotta love this.)






'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 11th 2013 1:43 pm
Originally Posted by starwars
MY PRIVATE PART DIED

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'





(You've gotta love this.)






'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'



______ lol
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 11th 2013 3:43 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 11th 2013 5:15 pm
Building Security has notified us that there have been 5 suspected terrorists working at our office. Four of the five have been apprehended. Bin Sleeping, Bin Loafing, Bin Gossiping, and Bin Surfing have been taken into custody. Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fifth cell member, Bin Working, in the office. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Bin Working will be very easy to spot. They thought they had apprehended Bin Working sitting at a desk, but it was actually Bin Surfing trying to impersonate Bin Working.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 11th 2013 5:16 pm
A speaker at Democratic National Convention asked the audience, "Are you better off now?"

The audience answered in chorus voice, "Yes."

As soon as the loud voice turned silent, a delegate stood up and asked, "How did the GOP get better off?"

The speaker declared, "We all are on the same boat, remember?"

The delegate exasperated, "Yeah, Noah's Ark - animals in couples!"
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 11th 2013 5:17 pm
A butcher saw a Lawyer passing by his shop one day, and asked him: Atty., what would you do if a dog came in and stole your meat? Lawyer replied: why? of course, I’ll make the owner pay for it! The butcher said: If that is so, now you owe me $15 because it is your dog. The Lawyer replied: very well, just deduct the $15 from the $25 you owe me for the advice, I’ll collect the remaining $10 the next time I pass by here.
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 11th 2013 9:42 pm
lol
Posted By: GhostRyder Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 13th 2013 2:45 am
our county fair is in town this week , and a guy at work ask me today if i was going , i said probably not, and he said there going to have live sharks this year, i said cool, then he said there also gonna have the worlds tallest midget and the worlds smallest giant lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 14th 2013 12:38 am
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 14th 2013 1:14 am
_________ lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 14th 2013 10:30 pm
Little Jonny was assigned a job for the choir on Christmas his job was when the choir sang ‘and the Angel lit the candle’ he was to come out and light the candle. So before the service on Christmas Eve they had a practice. So the choir got to the part and sang ‘and the Angel lit the candle’ and there was no Jonny so they sang it a bit louder thinking he didn't hear them and still no Jonny so they sang it even louder and finally Jonny came out and sang; And the cat pissed on the matches!
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 14th 2013 11:03 pm
lol
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 15th 2013 1:08 am
Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."

And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just
eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!"

Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 15th 2013 3:07 am
rofl
Posted By: apo234 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 15th 2013 11:57 am
haha awesome frscke1
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 15th 2013 11:14 pm
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple

days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard

some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave,

listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony,

being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony,

And it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the

Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned

on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the

cemetery. "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."






Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 16th 2013 3:36 pm
A bar owner locked up his place at 2 AM and went home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang. “What time do you open up in the morning?” he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire.

The owner was so furious, he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice ask the same question. “Listen, the owner shouted, “there’s no sense in asking me what time I open because I wouldn’t let a person in your condition in—“



“I don’t want to get in,” the caller interjected. “I want to get out.”
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 16th 2013 4:38 pm
Good stuff ! lol
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 16th 2013 7:54 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 17th 2013 9:31 pm
General Amalgamated Industries, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here."

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 18th 2013 1:23 am
lol
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 18th 2013 8:41 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 18th 2013 10:58 pm
You know you're really drunk if you can't lie on the floor without holding on.
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 18th 2013 11:46 pm
Originally Posted by DrBob
You know you're really drunk if you can't lie on the floor without holding on.


been there done that when I was a kid.. lol
Posted By: lukester Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 19th 2013 12:16 am
Been there done that not to long ago.Vodka soaked cherries really sneak up on you.
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 19th 2013 12:44 am
Originally Posted by lukester
Been there done that not to long ago.Vodka soaked cherries really sneak up on you.


I bet they do lukester ... lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 19th 2013 3:40 pm
A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class. To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French."

The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!" "Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?" "I don't know," the boy replied; "I couldn't understand them."
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 19th 2013 5:19 pm

Book Report-Too funny!!!
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinto

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Clinton : Cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a censored artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 19th 2013 5:22 pm
I was driving down the road when a cat darted out from some bushes; there was no way for me to stop in time, and I hit the cat. I got out to look at it, and sure enough, it was dead. Before I could even decide what I was going to do this lady comes running out of a house screaming at me for killing her cat. I tried explaining there was no way for me to avoid hitting the cat, and it "was running loose". I even offered her $20.00 for the cat; it was just a plain old cat, not a pure bred or anything, but she would't hear of it. About then a County Cop drives by, and stops to see what's going on. She screaming she wants $100.00, and I countered with $30.00, then $40.00, and finally $50.00; there was no way I was going to go any higher. That's when the Cop got involved, and wrote citations to both of us.?????????????????????? For "discussing the price of pussy on a roadway".
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 19th 2013 5:25 pm

A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary.

It means 75% are running around untreated.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=

HE MUST PAY

Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=-=

Today's Short Reading from the Bible...

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."

Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 21st 2013 10:36 pm
A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear. He says, “What is wrong with me?

The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 22nd 2013 10:33 am
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 23rd 2013 2:36 am
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 23rd 2013 10:25 am
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 23rd 2013 11:19 pm
Job Interview Question



You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:



1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.



Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?



Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.



You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.



The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."

Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 24th 2013 8:52 pm
A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."

The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 24th 2013 11:04 pm
Oh Bob, that was a good one!
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 25th 2013 7:15 pm
A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing" but the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared", and the husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn’t fell a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labor, but when they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch!
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 25th 2013 10:13 pm
lol
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 27th 2013 12:24 am

"Daddy, how was I born?" 'Well son, Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: "You got Male!"
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 27th 2013 12:26 am
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The
Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband
seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your
husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing
it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he
either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my
husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished,
and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your
mouth shut that does the trick".
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 27th 2013 12:28 am
God Loves Blondes


A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides

to ask God for help.

She begins to pray.. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.

Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car.. My children are starving.

I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can

get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this......Buy a ticket."
Posted By: CatFish Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 27th 2013 4:55 pm
What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the beer facilitated some deep thinking.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will sometimes say, "You know, it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you will never hear a guy say, "You know, I think it would be great to get another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.
Posted By: TerryB Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 27th 2013 7:00 pm
Amen To That!
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 27th 2013 8:40 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 27th 2013 10:34 pm
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 28th 2013 9:57 pm
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says,

"Please come over here and help me.

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 28th 2013 10:20 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 29th 2013 10:10 pm
A man and his son were walking down the street. The boy saw a dog walking and sniffing at the ground. What makes the dog sniff at the ground dad? That is INSTINCT son.

A bit later his dad saw a dog sniffing another dog. Do you know why he's doing that son? I do dad, like you said before that’s END-STINK.
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 30th 2013 10:33 am
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 30th 2013 10:32 pm
At a party of professionals, a Doctor was having difficulty socializing. Everyone wanted to describe their symptoms, and get an opinion about diagnosis. The Doctor turned to a Lawyer acquaintance, and asked, "How do you handle people who want advice outside of the office?"

"Simple," answered the Lawyer, "I send them a bill. That stops it."

The next day, the Doctor, still feeling a bit reserved about what he had just finished doing, opened his mailbox to send the bills; there sat a bill from the Lawyer.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 01st 2013 6:31 pm
COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLATION:

LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.

LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.

DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck

MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood

FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood

RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood

HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time

PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time

WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside

SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season

BYTE: What them dang flies do

CHIP: Munchies fer the TV

MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag

MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields

DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife

LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps

KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys

SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives

MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn

MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole

MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof

ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"

RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 01st 2013 7:03 pm
lol
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 03rd 2013 2:19 am
Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.

All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied, 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN !!!

Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 03rd 2013 9:17 am
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 06th 2013 9:25 am

Bar & Drinking Jokes :: #5411
By Anonymous from USA.

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: “Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man.”

“How about that!” he exclaimed. “They’ve got three people buried in one grave.”

Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 06th 2013 9:31 am
lol
Posted By: CatFish Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 06th 2013 1:40 pm
Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet...
There were no other brain cells.

"Hello?" she cried...but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer....

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled:

"HELLO, HEY, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away say : " we're all down here...."
Posted By: lukester Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 06th 2013 2:04 pm
lol
Posted By: apo234 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 06th 2013 4:28 pm
lol
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 06th 2013 4:47 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 08th 2013 5:13 pm
Dear Son,

Your Pa has a new job. The first in 48 years. We are a little better, off now, getting $17.96 every Thursday. So we up and thought we'd do a little fixin’ up. We sent to Rosemont and Seasbuck for one of them there bathrooms you hear so much about and it took a plumber to put it in shape.

On one side of the room is a great big long thing, something like the hogs drink out of, only you get in it and wash all over. Over on the other side is a little white thing called a sink, this is for light washing, like face and hands, but over in the other corner we really got something.

There you put one foot in, wash it clean, pull a chain and get fresh water for the other foot. Two lids come with the darn thing and we ain't had any use for them in the bathroom, so I'm using one for a bread board and the other we framed grandmother's picture in.

They were awful nice people to deal with and they sent us a roll of writing paper with it.

Take care of yourself son.

Your Maw
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 11th 2013 4:09 pm
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"

"Twenty-six," he said.
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 11th 2013 8:04 pm
.......... lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 12th 2013 4:01 pm
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 12th 2013 8:47 pm
grin
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 12th 2013 8:57 pm
lol
Posted By: MrHoney Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 13th 2013 12:14 am
Little Johnny was in class at school & said "I wish I was a bird"
His teacher hearing this said "Why Johnny, so you could fly ?"
Little Johnny then exclaimed "No so my shit would be white".....
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 13th 2013 10:31 am
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 15th 2013 5:49 pm
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.” The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm...I HATE liver and ch eese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...

“Liver alone. Cheese mine.”
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 16th 2013 11:47 am
A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?" Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 16th 2013 12:40 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 16th 2013 3:48 pm
A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"

The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri.

"The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."

"Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95"

The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.

The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"

"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"

"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket." "Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?" "Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 17th 2013 11:30 am
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 17th 2013 4:30 pm
A head-on collision occurred between a man and a woman. Both emerged from the scene intact while their cars were totally demolished. The woman said, "This is quite a predicament. We should drink a toast to celebrate this miracle." The woman replied, "What a great idea; I just happen to have a bottle with me." With this she handed it to the man. The man downed half the bottle and handed it back. The woman would not take it back and said, "I think I will wait until after the police arrive to celebrate."
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 17th 2013 5:25 pm
rofl
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 18th 2013 8:36 pm
One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.

When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:

"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang

and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"



"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what

about the other?" "They called back!"
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 19th 2013 12:32 am
Originally Posted by DrBob
One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.

When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:

"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang

and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"



"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what

about the other?" "They called back!"



-------------- rofl
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 19th 2013 9:19 pm
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. ‘Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you. ‘No problem, just let me in,' says the man. ‘Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity. ‘Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator. ‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules. ‘And with that, St.Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator raises...The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. ‘Now it's time to visit heaven. ‘So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. ‘Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity. ‘The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. ‘So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? ‘The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning....Today you voted.'
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 20th 2013 6:01 pm
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 21st 2013 11:51 pm
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 22nd 2013 12:05 am
Originally Posted by DrBob
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"


-------LMAO !
Posted By: Greywolf Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 22nd 2013 12:55 am
rofl rofl
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 23rd 2013 4:55 pm

Wife: How much do you love me ?
Husband: I can't measure.

Wife: No just tell me.
Husband: I am like a cell phone & you are my sim card, I am nothing without you.

Wife: Wow! that's so romantic.
Husband (saying to himself): Thank God she doesn't know, this is a Chinese phone, with FOUR sim Cards...
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 23rd 2013 11:18 pm
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running"
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 24th 2013 12:41 am
Another good one Bob......... lol
Posted By: newkirkinc1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 24th 2013 12:51 am
lol nice Bob
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 24th 2013 1:14 am
Originally Posted by DrBob
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"


Been there done that....almost word for word
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 26th 2013 3:13 pm
His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”

“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.

“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”

“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars.

With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 26th 2013 9:35 pm
lol
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 26th 2013 10:32 pm
lol
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 28th 2013 4:35 pm


A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.

Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.

"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 28th 2013 4:35 pm


Water in the carburetor

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?

WIFE: "In the pool"

===========================================
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 28th 2013 4:36 pm


A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.

Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 29th 2013 11:56 am
lol
Posted By: MrHoney Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 29th 2013 1:06 pm
teacher says to the redneck girl "use handsome in a sentence."
redneck girl replies "when my jaw starts to get tired, i use my handsome
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 29th 2013 11:52 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 30th 2013 7:11 pm
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 30th 2013 7:46 pm
An old guy goes to his doctor for his
physical and gets sent to the Urologist
as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the
Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says,"I'm going to
check your prostate today, but this new
procedure is a little different from what
you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side,
bend your knees, then while I check
your prostate, take a deep breath and
say,
'99'.
The old guy obeys and says,
"99".
The doctor says, "Great", now turn
over on your left side and again, while
I repeat the check, take a deep breath
and say,
'99".
Again, the old guy says,
'99'."
The doctor said, “Very good”.
Now then, I want you to lie on your back
with your knees raised slightly.
I'm going to check your prostate with
this hand, and with the other hand I'm
going to hold on to your penis to keep
it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say,
'99'.
The old guy begins,
"One....
two…
three…"
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 30th 2013 8:17 pm
Oh those bikers!

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked.

Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says:

'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,

'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes

and says....................













'Grandpa;.......... Go home

Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 30th 2013 11:18 pm
lol
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 03rd 2013 2:08 am

Does anyone know why baby diapers are called Luvs & Huggies, but old people diapers are called Depends?



Because if a baby shits in their pants, you are still gonna Luv em & Hug 'em.
Will old people still be luved and hugged if they shit in their pants? Well, that "Depends" whether you're in the will or not.
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 03rd 2013 10:26 am
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 04th 2013 10:46 pm
A frustrated father told a work colleague: “When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son’s room, he has his own color TV, computer, games console, cell phone and CD player.” “So what do you do?” The father replied: “I send him to my room!”
Posted By: lukester Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 05th 2013 12:18 am
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 05th 2013 6:21 pm
A group of doctors were out duck hunting, when a large bird flew overhead.

The family doctor raised his gun to shoot, but then lowered his gun saying "I am not sure that is a duck."

The Psychiatrist raised his gun, but then lowered it again saying “I know it's a duck, but I'm not sure that it knows it's a duck."

The surgeon raises his gun and blasts the bird out of the sky. He turns to the pathologist and says "Go see if that was a duck."
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 05th 2013 10:33 pm
grin
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 06th 2013 3:25 pm
"Well, I finaly retired my old car", said the old man. His pal ask, "Did you junk it or trade it in?" "Naw nothing like that, I put four new Michelins on it."

Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 07th 2013 9:04 pm
A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting outside at a nudist colony. The history professor asked: “Have you read Marx? The psychology professor replied: “Yes. I think it’s from the wicker chairs.”


Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 09th 2013 5:41 pm
A distraught older woman is looking at herself in the mirror and crying. Her voice shakes as she says to her husband, "I'm so old. I'm so fat. I look horrible. I really need a compliment."

Her husband, determined to quickly give his beloved the comfort she needs, exclaims, "Damn, do you have good eyesight!"

Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 15th 2013 9:08 pm
A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 15th 2013 9:10 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 16th 2013 4:58 pm
Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.

Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.

When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.

In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."

As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.

"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"

"What's the matter?" his father asked.

"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"

The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."

The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"

The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."


Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 17th 2013 12:06 am
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 17th 2013 12:22 pm
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large

pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples'
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 20th 2013 4:31 pm
A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"

Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 20th 2013 4:32 pm
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour

ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
Posted By: Reed Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 20th 2013 6:41 pm
Good one!
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 22nd 2013 10:27 pm
Two small county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other's case.

The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant's table, and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs.

They switched places. The second judge admitted that he was speeding, too. Thereupon the first judge immediately fined him $250 and ordered him to pay court costs.

The second judge was furious. "I suspended your fine and costs, but you threw the book at me!", he fumed. The first judge looked at him and replied, "This is the second such case we've had in here today. Someone has to get tough about all this speeding!"


Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 23rd 2013 3:50 pm
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunken friend, "You are wrong. That's not the moon, that's the sun."

Both started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 23rd 2013 8:22 pm
....... lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 24th 2013 7:24 pm


An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist” Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things" replied the artist.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure

he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for

the jewelry."
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 24th 2013 8:27 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 28th 2013 3:01 pm
Did you here about the guy who lost his whole left side?

He's alright now!
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 28th 2013 6:25 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 29th 2013 3:50 pm
What tool does Count Dracula use when he repairs his van?

A Vamplier
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 30th 2013 3:59 pm
These bear hunters were sitting around the cabin the night before the hunt bragging about their passt hunts.

The cabin boy was listening and went over and said "you guys make it seem pretty hard on capturing a bear".

They all laughed and said "it is hard; do you think you could bag one"?

"I can go out and bag you 2 if you will skin them, and I will bet each of you $100.00.

They agreed and off he went out into the night.

Soon he spotted a big grizzly; he waved his arm and started hollering the big bear started after him and he started running for the shack. When he got close to the shack he started yelling. "Open the door he yelled".

They looked out and saw the bear chasing the boy. Just as he got to the door they opened it and he stepped aside and the bear went in. He slammed the door and locked it and shouted. "OK skin him I'll go and get the other one".
Posted By: lukester Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 30th 2013 4:18 pm
lol
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 30th 2013 8:34 pm
lol
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 30th 2013 10:55 pm

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached
recently by a Game Warden in Northeast Florida as he started to drive his
boat away from a lake.

The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"

"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers.
These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake & let 'em
swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my
net and I take 'em home."

"What a line of bull....you're under arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do
this all the time!!"

"We do, now, do we?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"

The redneck released the fish into the lake & stood & waited.

After a few minutes, the Warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH," replied the Warden!

"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.




Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 30th 2013 11:31 pm


QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!
>
> If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
>
> Can you cry under water?
>
>
> How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
>
>
> Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
>
>
> Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
>
>
> Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
>
>
> What disease did cured ham actually have?
>
>
> How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
>
> Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
>
>
> If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
>
>
> Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
>
>
> Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
>
>
> Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
> They're going to see you naked anyway...
>
>
> Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
>
>
> Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
>
>
> If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
>
>
> If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
>
>
> Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
> They're both dogs!
>
>
> If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
>
>
> If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
>
>
> If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
>
>
> Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
>
>
> Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
>
>
> Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
>
>
> Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
>
> Why, Why, Why
>
>
> Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
>
> Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
>
> Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
>
>
> Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
>
> Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
>
> Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
>
> Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
>
> Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
>
> If people evolved from apes,
> why are there still apes?
>
> Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
>
> Is there ever a day that mattresses
> are not on sale?
>
> Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
>
> Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
>
> Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
>
> How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
>
>
> Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
>
> In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
>
> How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
>
> And my FAVORITE.........
> The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Posted By: Hoagie Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 31st 2013 4:06 am
Mike wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees are a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the bedside table. He sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and ironed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless. He takes the aspirins and sees a note on the table which says "Breakfast is on the stove, dear. I left early to go shopping. Love you!" He goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there's a hot breakfast waiting for him, and also the morning newspaper. His son is sitting at the table, eating. Really curious by now, Mike asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, Mam said you came home after 3 a.m, you stumbled in the door, threw up in the hallway, and passed out half-way up the stairs. Confused, Mike asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, that! Mam dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you yelled "Leave me alone woman, I'm a married man"
Posted By: Hoagie Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 31st 2013 4:08 am
And on the flip side an anniversary memory

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 31st 2013 5:59 am

Understanding Engineers #1



Two engineering students were biking acoss a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

�

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

�

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."



Understanding Engineers #2



To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.



Understanding Engineers #3



A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

�

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

�

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

�

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

�

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"

�

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

�

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."

�

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"



Understanding Engineers #4



What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.



Understanding Engineers #5



The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

�

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

�

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

�

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?”



Understanding Engineers #6



Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

�

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

�

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

�

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"



Understanding Engineers #7



Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.



Understanding Engineers #8



An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

�

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

�

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

�

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

�

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

�

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

�

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

�

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."



And Finally



Two engineers???



Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.



A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."



The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"



Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.
Posted By: apo234 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 31st 2013 8:23 am
lol haha
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 31st 2013 10:21 am
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 01st 2013 8:57 pm
Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. "What’ll be, boys?"

The first vampire says "Blood. Give me blood."

The second vampire says "I too wish for blood!"

The third vampire says "Give me plasma."

The Bartender smiles and says "Got it. Two bloods, and a blood-light."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 04th 2013 10:04 pm
A man goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five shots. The bartender gives him an odd look since he’s all by himself, but he serves up the five shots and lines them up on the bar. The man downs them all quickly. He finishes the last one and calls out, "Four shots, please!" The bartender serves up four shots and lines them on the bar. The man downs them all. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three. And one after the other, he knocks them back. "Two shots!" he calls, and the bartender places two shots in front of him. Down they go. As the man slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One shot bartender." So the bartender fills the glass. The man sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, "You know, it's a funny thing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 05th 2013 10:54 pm
Mad men are given a test to check their mental state. The instructor draws a door on the wall and orders them to go out.

They start rushing to the door but one remains sitting. The instructor goes to him and asks; “why didn’t you join the others?” He replies, "let them fight they forgot I have the keys"
Posted By: lukester Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 06th 2013 3:01 pm
Originally Posted by DrBob
A man goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five shots. The bartender gives him an odd look since he’s all by himself, but he serves up the five shots and lines them up on the bar. The man downs them all quickly. He finishes the last one and calls out, "Four shots, please!" The bartender serves up four shots and lines them on the bar. The man downs them all. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three. And one after the other, he knocks them back. "Two shots!" he calls, and the bartender places two shots in front of him. Down they go. As the man slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One shot bartender." So the bartender fills the glass. The man sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, "You know, it's a funny thing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get."

rofl
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 06th 2013 10:40 pm
A duck walked into a bakery one day and asked for a pork chop.

The baker said, "We aren't a butcher; we don't sell meat here."

So the duck left.

The following day the duck went back and asked again.

This time the Baker said, "No, if you come here again I will nail your feet

to the floor."

The following day the duck returned and asked, "Have you any nails?"

The baker replied, "No." And the duck said, "Well, I'll have two pork chops then."
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 07th 2013 4:09 am
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 07th 2013 10:16 pm
Some boy scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up. They're coming after us with flashlights.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 09th 2013 4:41 pm
An old, stingy lawyer was dying and was determined to prove wrong the old saying; "You can't take it with you." He told his wife to go down to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. His plan: Put the bags directly over his bed and when he died grab them on his way up to heaven. One day the old ambulance chaser died. When his wife was up cleaning in the attic one day, she came across the forgotten pillowcases. She then said to herself, “That old fool. I knew he should have had me put them in the basement!"
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 11th 2013 8:34 pm
“If you got guts.” Sell your VAN and become a pedestrian.
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 11th 2013 11:20 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 13th 2013 9:47 pm
"Frank, if you have 20 dollars and Bill takes away 14. What would you have?” asked the teacher.

"A fight!” answers Frank.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 17th 2013 5:30 pm
Two bachelors, Larry and Frank were out to dinner. The conversation drifted from office, sports to politics and then to cooking. “I got a cook book once” said Larry. “But I couldn’t do anything with it.” “Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Frank. “You said it, Larry replied, nodding. “Every one of those recipes began the same way: “Take a clean plate…”
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 17th 2013 5:33 pm
lol
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 18th 2013 3:01 pm

The Top 10 Signs That It's Time To Do The Laundry

1. You're wearing your last pair of underwear in the shower consistently.

2. You've worn your sheets to school because you can't get them off of you.

3. Your socks act like a shirt does when its heavily starched and emit a serious funk.

4. Your roommate walks around wearing a full body medical suit like they did in the movie "Outbreak" to avoid catching the Ebola virus.

5. The Snuggle Bear on the softener bottle officially died last week.

6. The DEA's drug sniffing dog is always coming by to sniff your laundry because the strong stench makes him think you have 28 tons of pot in your closet.

7. Even after sewing 28 spring scented dryer sheets to the inside of your shirt, your friends still say you reek.

8. The phrase "Wash Me" is visibly written in your jeans.

9. Your red T-shirt is now green.

10. The boss pulls you aside to remind you that your company's casual days does not include your college graduation gown and scuba diving fins.
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 18th 2013 6:15 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 18th 2013 9:29 pm
The Antartian reported for her university final examination which consisted of "yes/no" type questions. She took her seat in the examination hall and stared at the question paper for five minutes.

In a fit of inspiration, she took her purse out, removed a coin and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she was all done, whereas the rest of the class was still sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she was seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approached her and asked what was going on. Her reply was, "I finished the exam in half and hour, but I'm rechecking my answers."
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 18th 2013 9:44 pm
lol
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 20th 2013 2:31 pm

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED SINCE I MATURED

1. I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

2. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

3. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

4. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.

5. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others they are more screwed up than you think.

6. I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

7. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities or political figures.

8. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades.

9. I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 20th 2013 2:34 pm


You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello and too old
to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.

For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

cid:image001.jpg@01CE615C.814150F0

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT


ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'W' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? Do you have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. At no extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START.'
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 20th 2013 2:36 pm
Signs that Childhood is Over

* Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it anymore.
* Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
* The average ten-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.
* Being bad is no longer cool.
* You have friends who have kids.
* Saturday mornings are for sleeping.
* You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.
* Your parents' jokes are now funny.
* You have once said, "Whatch-you talkin' 'bout Willis?"
* You have owned, and since disowned Michael Jackson's Thriller.
* Christmas starts to piss you off.
* You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, cuz mom is not there to do your laundry anymore.
* Two words: parachute pants.
* Naps are good.
* Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting.
* You have once deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever".
* When you know that the machines in gas station bathrooms don't dispense balloons.
* When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
* Playboy's Playmate of the month is younger than you.
* The only thing in your cereal box is...cereal.
* You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.
* Your idea of fun parties now include Chips 'n' Salsa and Snapple.
* You leave concerts and ball games early to beat the crowd.
* You WANT clothes for Christmas.
* You don't want a Camaro because of the insurance premiums.
* You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
* You've bought an album on vinyl.
* You remember seeing Star Wars when it first came out.
* You read the "if you were born on this day in 1976 you are of legal age to buy alcohol" sign at the liquor store and recall attending a high school dance on that date.
* You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it is a shot of you from behind.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 20th 2013 4:37 pm
Teacher: " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.

Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"

One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 22nd 2013 4:54 pm
“Honey,” says a husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.” “What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess. I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!!” “I know all that.” “Then why did you invite a friend for supper?” “Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 22nd 2013 6:19 pm
lol
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 22nd 2013 7:02 pm


While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing nobody around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that? " she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once.
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 22nd 2013 7:05 pm

1. Take your bananas apart when you get home from the store. If you
leave them connected at the stem, they ripen faster.
2. Store your opened chunks of cheese in aluminum foil. It will stay
fresh much longer and not mold!
3. Peppers with 3 bumps on the bottom are sweeter and better for eating.
Peppers with 4 bumps on the bottom are firmer and better for cooking.
4. Add a teaspoon of water when frying ground beef. It will help pull
the grease away from the meat while cooking.
5. To really make scrambled eggs or omelets rich add a couple of
spoonfuls of sour cream, cream cheese, or heavy cream in and then beat
them up.
6. For a cool brownie treat, make brownies as directed. Melt Andes mints
in double broiler and pour over warm brownies. Let set for a wonderful
minty frosting.
7. Add garlic immediately to a recipe if you want a light taste of
garlic and at the end of the recipe if your want a stronger taste of
garlic.
8. Leftover snickers bars from Halloween make a delicious dessert.
Simply chop them up with the food chopper. Peel, core and slice a few
apples. Place them in a baking dish and sprinkle the chopped candy bars
over the apples. Bake at 350 for 15 minutes!!! Serve alone or with
vanilla ice cream. Yummm!
9. Reheat Pizza Heat up leftover pizza in a nonstick skillet on top of
the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust
crispy. No soggy micro pizza. I saw this on the cooking channel and it
really works.
10. Easy Deviled Eggs Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash
till they are all broken up. Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep
mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze
mixture into egg. Just throw bag away when done easy clean up.
11. Expanding Frosting When you buy a container of cake frosting from
the store, whip it with your mixer for a few minutes. You can double it
in size. You get to frost more cake/cupcakes with the same amount. You
also eat less sugar and calories per serving.
12. Reheating refrigerated bread To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins
that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water.
The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster.
13. Newspaper weeds away Start putting in your plants, work the
nutrients in your soil. Wet newspapers, put layers around the plants
overlapping as you go. Cover with mulch and forget about weeds. Weeds
will get through some gardening plastic they will not get through wet
newspapers.
14. Broken Glass Use a wet cotton ball or Q-tip to pick up the small
shards of glass you can't see easily.
15. No More Mosquitoes Place a dryer sheet in your pocket. It will keep
the mosquitoes away.
16. Squirrel Away! To keep squirrels from eating your plants, sprinkle
your plants with cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn't hurt the
plant and the squirrels won't come near it.
17. Flexible vacuum To get something out of a heat register or under the
fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your
vacuum. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings.
18. Reducing Static Cling Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your
slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works
with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of
slacks and ... guess what! ... static is gone.
19. Measuring Cups Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring
cup, fill with hot water. Dump out the hot water, but don't dry cup.
Next, add your ingredient, such as peanut butter, and watch how easily
it comes right out. (Or spray the measuring cup or spoon with Pam before
using)
20. Foggy Windshield? Hate foggy windshields? Buy a chalkboard eraser
and keep it in the glove box of your car When the windows fog, rub with
the eraser! Works better than a cloth!
21. Re-opening envelopes If you seal an envelope and then realize you
forgot to include something inside, just place your sealed envelope in
the freezer for an hour or two. Viola! It unseals easily.
22. Conditioner Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's
cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It's also
a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when
you tried it in your hair.
23. Goodbye Fruit Flies To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small
glass, fill it 1/2' with Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dish washing
liquid; mix well. You will find those flies drawn to the cup and gone
forever!
24. Get Rid of Ants Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They
eat it, take it 'home,' can't digest it so it kills them. It may take a
week or so, especially if it rains, but it works and you don't have the
worry about pets or small children being harmed! 25. Dryer Filter Even
if you are very diligent about cleaning the lint filter in your dryer it
still may be causing you a problem. If you use dryer sheets a waxy build
up could be accumulating on the filter causing your dryer to over heat.
The solution to this is to clean your filter with with a toothbrush and
hot soapy water every 6 months
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 22nd 2013 7:10 pm

True story reported by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyzer test.
The English guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was as pis*ed as a fart...
The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English guy replies; 'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.'
'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.'
'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate downed a bottle of Johnny Walker's black label.'
Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?
The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'Do you understand that I'm English, like my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the wheel?'
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 24th 2013 3:37 am
The body

Hiccups happen when the diaphragm, the muscle that controls our breathing, becomes irritated and start to spasm and contract uncontrollably. With each contraction, air is pulled into the lungs very quickly, passes through the voice box, and then the epiglottis closes behind the rush of air, shaking the vocal chords, causing the "hic" sound. The irritation can be caused by rapid eating, emotional stress and even some diseases. The best cure? Breathing into a paper bag. This calms the diaphragm by increasing the amount of carbon dioxide in your bloodstream.
The length from your wrist to your elbow is the same as the length of your foot.
Your heart beats 101,000 times a day. During your lifetime it will beat about 3 billion times and pump about 400 million litres (800 million pints) of blood.
Your mouth produces 1 litre (1.8 pints) of saliva a day.
On average, people can hold their breath for one minute. The world record is seven-and-a-half minutes.
The human head contains 22 bones. More on the head and brains
On average, you breathe 23,000 times a day.
On average, you speak almost 5,000 words a day - although almost 80% of speaking is self-talk (talking to yourself).
Einstein's brain was of average size (1375 grams - 49oz).
Over the last 150 years the average height of people in industrialised nations increased by 10 cm (4 in).
In the 19th century, American men were the tallest in the world, averaging 1,71m (5'6"). Today, the average height for American men is 1,75m (5'7"), compared to 1,77 (5'8") for Swedes, and 1,78 (5'8.5") for the Dutch.
The tallest nation in the world is the Watusis of Burundi.
If the amount of water in your body is reduced by just 1%, you'll feel thirsty.
Hippocrates, the Father of Medicine, suggested that a woman could enlarge her bust line by singing loudly and often.
A person can live without food for about a month, but only about a week without water.
You'll drink about 75,000 litres (20,000 gallons) of water in your lifetime.
After a certain period of growth, hair becomes dormant. That means that it is attached to the hair follicle until replaced by new hair.
Hair on the head grows for between two and six years before being replaced. In the case of baldness, the dormant hair was not replaced with new hair.
Men loose about 40 hairs a day. Women loose about 70 hairs a day.
In the Middle Ages the length from the tip of the middle finger to the elbow was called an ell.
A person remains conscious for eight seconds after being decapitated.
The first human sex change took place in 1950 when Danish doctor Christian Hamburger operated on New Yorker George Jargensen, who became Christine Jargensen.
The muscle that lets your eye blink is the fastest muscle in your body. It allows you to blink 5 times a second. On average, you blink 15 000 times a day. Women blink twice as much as men.
A typical athlete's heart churns out 25 to 30 litres (up to 8 gallons) of blood per minute.
We have four basic tastes. The salt and sweet taste buds are at the tip of the tongue, bitter at the base, and sour along the sides.
Unless food is mixed with saliva you cannot taste it.
The liver is the largest of the body's internal organs. The skin is the body's largest organ.
Not all our taste buds are on our tongue; about 10% are on the palette and the cheeks.
On average a hiccup lasts 5 minutes.
Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails.
It takes about 3 months for the transplanted hair to start growing again.
About 13% of people are left-handed. Up from 11% in the past.
In 1900, a person could expect to live to be 47. Today, the average life expectancy for men and women in developed countries is 70.
A newborn baby's head accounts for one-quarter of its weight.
King Henry I, who ruled in the England in the 12th century, standardised the yard as the distance from the thumb of his outstretched arm to his nose.
The bones in your body are not white - they range in colour from beige to light brown. The bones you see in museums are white because they have been boiled and cleaned.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth.
Every person has a unique tongue print.
If all your DNA is stretched out, it would reach to the moon 6,000 times.
Approximately two-thirds of a person's body weight is water. Blood is 92% water. The brain is 75% water and muscles are 75% water.
The coloured part of the eye is called the iris. Behind the iris is the soft, rubbery lens which focuses the light on to a layer, called the retina, in the back of the eye. The retina contains about 125 million rods and 7 million cones. The rods pick up shades of grey and help us see in dim light. The cones work best in bright light to pick up colours.
We actually do not see with our eyes - we see with our brains. The eyes basically are the cameras of the brain. One-quarter of the brain is used to control the eyes
Posted By: Hoagie Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 24th 2013 4:47 am
Huh, nothing about yawning. JK
Posted By: Hoagie Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 24th 2013 4:58 am
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your steering wheel.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 24th 2013 4:27 pm
..... lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 24th 2013 6:30 pm
The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier: “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.”

“Thank you very much, sir.”
Posted By: Hoagie Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 24th 2013 8:08 pm



Children in the backseat can cause accidents.

Accidents in the backseat can cause children.



Guy walks into my parts store. Says "I need a gas cap for a Kia."

I said, okay, sounds like a fair trade.



What's the difference between BMWs and Porcupines?

Porcupines carry their pricks on the outside.




Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 25th 2013 5:53 pm
A couple is arguing about who should make the coffee in the morning. The wife says, “I think your should do it because you get up first.”

He counters with, “The kitchen is your domain, and you do all the cooking so you know where everything is. I think you should make the coffee.” “No way,” she says. “You should do it. The Bible even says so.” “What the heck are you talking about?” She grabs the family Bible, thumbs through, and point to the appropriate section: “Hebrews”
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 25th 2013 9:27 pm
lol
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 26th 2013 6:02 pm
Marital Misunderstanding

How men and women record things in their diaries......


Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.


I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'


When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.








Husband's Diary :

A two-foot putt..........who the [censored] misses a two-foot putt?
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 26th 2013 6:07 pm





OLDER AGE:


As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world,

I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.

.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while

.. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,

the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the

eyesight to tell the difference.


Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:


1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE..........? or did I get it from you?
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 26th 2013 6:40 pm
Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble.

Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.

I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it.

Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink.

“Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll think about it.”

Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street.

“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 27th 2013 8:14 pm
Only in America

Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America... do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America... do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America... do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America... do they use the word "politics" to describe the process so well; "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".

Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 28th 2013 2:51 pm

Interesting Reading!!
LIFE IN THE 1500'S

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water
temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500's:


Most people got married in June, because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children! Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying,
"Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway.
Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot.
They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there
for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a
little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat ."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History was boring ! ! !
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 28th 2013 4:24 pm
Eight Words with two Meanings


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male..... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family. !
Male..... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male...... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male....... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said .. . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to

put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said. . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . .What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said. . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . .How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . .I don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . .Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said. . . They already have boyfriends.

He said . . .Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . .Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 28th 2013 9:55 pm
A family went to a hospital, where one of their relatives would be having a brain transplant. One of the relatives asked, "What will the cost of a new brain be?" The doctor replied, "A female brain costs $25,000 and a male brain costs $50,000." The men smirked, but one of the females asked, "Why is that, doctor?" "Well," the doctor replied,” the female brain is less because it has been used."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 29th 2013 4:30 pm
A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of." "Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?" The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon. "That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000. "I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to." "Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner." The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner. As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, "I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000." The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left. The bartender said "What are y ou nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!" The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist."
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 29th 2013 5:34 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 30th 2013 10:26 pm
The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office. "What is your name?," was the first thing the manager asked. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." The manager said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you..."
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - November 30th 2013 10:46 pm
rofl
Posted By: OldReadingGus62 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 01st 2013 7:28 am
how much coke did charlie sheen really do....enough to kill two and a half men
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 03rd 2013 6:14 pm
A woman is paying for some purchases at Macy’s. As she reaches for her card, a TV remote control falls out of her purse. The sales clerk asks, “Do you always carry your TV remote?” “No.” the woman says, “But my husband refused to come shopping with me today. I figured this was a great way to pay him back.”
Posted By: Hoagie Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 03rd 2013 6:51 pm
Q: What do Christmas trees and priests have in common?

A: Their balls are just for decoration.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 04th 2013 10:54 pm
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."

He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She answers, "Your horse called."
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 04th 2013 11:05 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 06th 2013 9:31 pm
Answering the phone, the priest was surprised to hear the caller introduce herself as an IRS auditor.

“But we do not pay taxes,” the priest said. “It isn’t you, Father, it’s one of your parishioner, Sean McCullough. He indicates on his tax return that he gave a donation of

$15,000 to the church last year. Is this, in fact, the truth?”

The priest smiled broadly. “The check hasn’t arrived yet, but I’m sure I’ll have it when I remind dear Sean.”
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 07th 2013 9:32 pm
Shut Up and Trouble were walking down a path. Trouble got lost. So, Shut Up went to the police officer. The police officer asked, "What's your name?"

He answered, "Shut Up."

He asked again "What's your name?"

"Shut Up."

The police officer asked, "Are you looking for trouble?!"

"Yeah, I lost him down a path about two miles ago."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 10th 2013 4:51 pm
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 11th 2013 5:48 pm
lol
Posted By: newkirkinc1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 12th 2013 12:03 am
Very good Bob lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 12th 2013 3:48 pm
Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?”
“Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?
“I did!” sobbed Johnny.


Posted By: lukester Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 12th 2013 6:02 pm
lol

Good stuff guys
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 14th 2013 7:30 pm
Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.”

The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, “Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out.”
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 15th 2013 12:52 am
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 15th 2013 6:30 pm
A Cub Scout troop was half an hour late to its den meeting. The den mother asked them severely, “Why are you so late?”

“Oh,” said one boy, “we were helping an old man cross the street.”

“That’s a nice thing for scouts to do,” said the mother. She paused. “But it shouldn’t make you half an hour late.”

“Well, you see,” said another boy, “he didn’t want to go.”
Posted By: tide Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 15th 2013 6:52 pm
I made myself a snowball,
As perfect as could be,
I thought I'd keep it as a pet,
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas,
And a pillow for its head,
Then last night it ran away,
But first - it wet the bed!
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 17th 2013 8:25 pm
A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.

"I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."

So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 17th 2013 9:10 pm
lol
Posted By: Greywolf Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 17th 2013 10:47 pm
rofl rofl Good one DrBob.
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 17th 2013 10:47 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 18th 2013 9:59 pm
Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 18th 2013 11:03 pm
OH BOB that was great !
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 18th 2013 11:04 pm
lol
Posted By: doc yukon Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 18th 2013 11:18 pm
Best chuckel in a long time.
Posted By: newkirkinc1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 18th 2013 11:43 pm
rofl very good Bob!
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 19th 2013 10:04 pm
His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”

“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.

“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”

“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars.

With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 19th 2013 10:59 pm
.......... cheers
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 20th 2013 11:55 am


Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.
I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
HELL NO !
He just yelled April Fool ! ... And that's when I shot him ... the little bastard.
Posted By: Greywolf Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 20th 2013 12:01 pm
rofl rofl cheers
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 20th 2013 4:27 pm
Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."
Posted By: Greywolf Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 20th 2013 8:57 pm
Keep um coming DrBob,you give me a good laugh every day,Thanks.
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 20th 2013 9:46 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 21st 2013 7:46 pm
Having shot a moose two Antartians began dragging it by the tail to their pick-up.

On the way they were stopped by a game warden. "Let me see your hunting licenses boys," he said. When he saw that everything was in order he asked if he could give them some advice.

"Sure!" the hunters agreed.

"Well boys, I think that you would find it a lot easier to drag that moose by the horns and not the tail."

"Aye, O.K. and thanks," said the lads.

After about five minutes one said to the other, "Boy, dragging by the horns is sure a lot easier, eh?"

"Aye, you're right," said his friend, "but have you noticed that we are getting further away from the truck?"
Posted By: Greywolf Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 22nd 2013 12:31 am
rofl cheers
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 22nd 2013 12:38 pm
Originally Posted by DrBob
Having shot a moose two Antartians began dragging it by the tail to their pick-up.

On the way they were stopped by a game warden. "Let me see your hunting licenses boys," he said. When he saw that everything was in order he asked if he could give them some advice.

"Sure!" the hunters agreed.

"Well boys, I think that you would find it a lot easier to drag that moose by the horns and not the tail."

"Aye, O.K. and thanks," said the lads.

After about five minutes one said to the other, "Boy, dragging by the horns is sure a lot easier, eh?"

"Aye, you're right," said his friend, "but have you noticed that we are getting further away from the truck?"


lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 22nd 2013 11:05 pm
Little Johnny... Know It All


Little Johnny asks his mother her age.

She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.

On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.

Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 22nd 2013 11:30 pm
lol
Posted By: Greywolf Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 22nd 2013 11:37 pm
rofl .... cheers
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 23rd 2013 8:39 pm
At school one morning the teacher asked little Johnny what he had for breakfast. Little Johnny said, well, on my way to school I come cross this Apple tree, so I climbed up there and started eating apples. I guess I eat about six, said little Johnny. No, said the teacher, it’s ate! Little Johnny said well it could've been eight I don't remember.
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 23rd 2013 8:55 pm
lol
Posted By: Greywolf Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 23rd 2013 9:46 pm
rofl
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 24th 2013 4:40 pm
One day, Little Johnny overheard his parents fighting. Later, he asked what "bitch" and "bastard" mean. They explained that they mean "lady" and "gentleman."

The next day, he overheard his parents having sex. He later asked what "penis" and "vagina" mean. His parents explained that they refer to "hats" and "coats."

At supper the next day, Little Johnny's mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled, "Oh f**k!" Little Johnny asked what that meant, and she said it means "cut."

A week later, guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. Little Johnny welcomes them at the door, saying, "Hello bitches and bastards! Hurry up with your penises and vaginas -- we can't wait to f**k the turkey!"
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 25th 2013 10:41 pm
A man takes his dog to the vet. “My dog is crossed eyed, is there anything you can do for him? “Well,” says the vet, “let’s take a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What? Because he is cross-eyed?”

“No, because he’s really heavy.”
Posted By: Greywolf Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 25th 2013 11:34 pm
rofl bow
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 26th 2013 6:48 pm
Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"

Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."

Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think."

Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"

Teacher: "Sure."

Little Johnny: "There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"

Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."

Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."
Posted By: Greywolf Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 26th 2013 7:15 pm
rofl rofl
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 26th 2013 8:22 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 27th 2013 9:47 pm
Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said "Louieville" and the other "Louiseville." They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, "Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly." The waitress goes, "Bur-ger-King."
Posted By: Greywolf Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 27th 2013 9:54 pm
rofl
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 27th 2013 10:28 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 28th 2013 10:06 pm
A Cajun named, Jean Paul, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from

an old farmer named Ben for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the

donkey the next day.

The next day, Ben drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news.

The donkey died."

"Well, then, just give me the money back," said Jean Paul

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Replied Ben

"OK, then. Just unload the donkey," said Jean Paul.

"What ya going to do with him?" asked Ben.

"I'm going to raffle him off," said Jean Paul.

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" uttered Ben.

"Sure can. Watch me. I just won't tell that he's dead," said Jean Paul.

A month later Ben met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened

with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off, I did. I sold 500-hunderd tickets at two dollars apiece

and made a profit of $898," said Jean Paul.

"Didn't anyone complain?" inquired Ben.

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back,” said Jean Paul.
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 28th 2013 11:24 pm
. cheers.... lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 29th 2013 9:17 pm
A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:

"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
Posted By: Greywolf Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 30th 2013 1:23 am
cheers rofl
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 30th 2013 11:15 pm
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.

When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 30th 2013 11:44 pm
lol
Posted By: Greywolf Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 31st 2013 1:07 am
rofl cheers
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 31st 2013 6:59 pm
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - December 31st 2013 10:22 pm
lol
Posted By: Greywolf Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 01st 2014 5:05 am
rofl
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 01st 2014 6:48 pm
Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, “That’s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 01st 2014 9:31 pm
rofl
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 02nd 2014 6:55 pm
A man walks into a bar, and tells the bartender to pour him a 12 year old single malt scotch "before the trouble starts." The bartender pours his drink and quietly moves away.

After finishing his drink, the man calls the bartender back and tells him "pour me a 15 year old scotch before the trouble starts." The bartender thinks this is very strange but pours him the 15 year old scotch.

After finishing that drink, the man tells the bartender to pour him an 18 year old scotch "before the trouble starts." The bartender is becoming a little worried, but pours him the 18 year old scotch.

Before the man finishes his 18 year old scotch, the bartender finally gets up the nerve to ask: "Say friend, when this trouble is going to start?" To which the man replies: "The trouble starts, when you find out that I don't have any money."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 03rd 2014 4:56 pm
Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, saying, "Johnny, this is where you came from."

Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting that all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."

"Why?" one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd".
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 03rd 2014 9:09 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 04th 2014 9:30 pm
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.

Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, DeNephew
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 05th 2014 7:15 pm
Johnny, if you had 5$ and you asked your father for 3$ more, how many dollars would you have? I would have five dollars... You don't know your arithmetic, Johnny... You don't know my father, Mrs. Mutch...


A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 06th 2014 9:45 pm
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
Posted By: Greywolf Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 06th 2014 9:50 pm
rofl cheers
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 07th 2014 6:49 pm
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.
Posted By: doc yukon Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 07th 2014 7:29 pm
frown Does anyone know abs systems real well? My abs light came on. I had it scaned. OTC Codes 02 04 06 08 came up. All four speed sensors bad. I know that is vertualy imposabel. Is thair something in the system that would trip all four codes? My dealer was no help nor was the internet. HELPPPPPP.
Posted By: doc yukon Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 07th 2014 7:32 pm
Can some one direct this post to the right place.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 08th 2014 8:49 pm
Little Johnny is sitting in biology class, when his teacher states the fact that only humans stutter, and no other animal in the world does.

Johnny raises his hand and says. "You're wrong, Miss Finch!"

"Really, would you mind telling us why that is Johnny?," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss Finch, the other day I was playing with my cat on the porch. The neighbors' Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat went "fffff! fffff! fffff!", and before he could say "Fu*k!", the dog ate him!"
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 08th 2014 9:41 pm
lol
Posted By: lukester Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 08th 2014 10:23 pm
lol
Posted By: Greywolf Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 08th 2014 10:50 pm
rofl cheers
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 09th 2014 11:47 pm
So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you$50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fu--er! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 10th 2014 9:15 pm
Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
Posted By: lukester Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 10th 2014 10:18 pm


lol

Posted By: Greywolf Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 10th 2014 11:13 pm
rofl Keep um coming DrBob!!
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 11th 2014 10:06 pm
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer,

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

The driver thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart butt when he's drunk and stoned." The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 12th 2014 9:20 pm
A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study.

A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying:"Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."

Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying:"Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too”!
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 13th 2014 10:20 pm
During a robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down.

He looked at a man and asked. Did you see my face?

The man said yes! The robber shot him.

Then he asked a woman. Did you see my face?

She said no, but my husband over there did.
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 14th 2014 3:23 am



Never trust a dog to watch your food.


When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer "Yes" to him.


Never tell your mom her diet's not working.


Stay away from prunes.


Never pee on an electric fence.


Don't squat with your spurs on:


Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to:


When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.


Ever allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.


Don't sneeze in front of mum when you're eating crackers.


Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.


Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.


You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.


Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.


If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.


Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.


Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.


When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.


Never try to baptize a cat.
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 14th 2014 3:40 am

This is an article submitted to a Louisville KY Newspaper contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.



As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself.
I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult.
'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa
Had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then
She lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of
Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health..

I can't wait until next Christmas.
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 14th 2014 11:27 am
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 15th 2014 12:48 am
How To Sell Toothbru..
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!"

Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
Posted By: lukester Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 15th 2014 1:22 am
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 15th 2014 3:44 pm
A Taliban was sitting in a cave when he hears over a dune the voice of one American solider: "One American solider is better then 10 Taliban fighters" so the Taliban angry sent over ten of his high-ranking soldiers. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 100 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sends over 100 of his highest ranked soldiers sure of victory. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 1000 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sent his toughest, meanest, personal guards over the dune. After hundreds of bullets fired, and explosions and the screaming and crying, it was over. The Taliban now wondering what happened goes over the dune where he finds a wounded Taliban solider who says "don't send anymore men it's really a trap there is really two of them!"
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 15th 2014 5:58 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 16th 2014 9:38 pm
This guy goes into a doctor's office. The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?" The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first." "Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies. The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?" The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
Posted By: lukester Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 17th 2014 9:40 am
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 17th 2014 11:12 pm
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.



They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and

family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say

about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the

greates doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful

husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our

children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies,

"I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 19th 2014 1:05 am
Teacher turns to her class and says "Today class, we are going to pick out some big words and use them in a sentence. Jenny would you like to go first?"

"Yes Ma'am. Hypocrite. That boy was a hypocrite. He said it was not OK to go outside and play. Then he went out to play"

"Very Good Jenny!"

Little Johnny jumps up in the back of the room waving his hands. "Yes Johnny" "I have a big one!" He exclaimed.

Sighing the teacher holds her hands together and prays silently, "Go ahead Johnny" she says.

"Harassment!" says Little Johnny, "Her mouth said no, but harassment yes!"
Posted By: Greywolf Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 19th 2014 3:12 am
rofl
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 19th 2014 3:41 pm
Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says

"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 20th 2014 8:23 pm
A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.

The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 21st 2014 4:14 pm
What did the polar bears say when they saw tourists in sleeping bags?

“Mmmm, sandwiches!”
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 22nd 2014 3:01 pm
grin
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 22nd 2014 5:54 pm
A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn't know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself

to write the word "toilet" in her letter.

After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom closet" but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.

"Does the camping ground have it's own B.C." is what she wrote.

Well, the camping ground owner wasn't a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C. stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply.

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.

I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.

As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember this is a very friendly community
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 22nd 2014 9:35 pm
lol
Posted By: lukester Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 23rd 2014 9:13 am
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 23rd 2014 4:18 pm
Little Johnny comes home from sunday school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!" "Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women." Sure enough, the very next sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!" "But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 25th 2014 7:00 pm
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day

while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see

what he went through each day, so he prayed :-

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours

of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I

want her to know what I go through, so please create a

trade in our bodies". God, in His infinite wisdom,

granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a

woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,

awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed

them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to

school, came home ..... picked up the dry cleaning,

took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to

draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.



He drove to the electricity company and the phone

company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping,

came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the

cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was

already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do

the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the

kitchen floor.

He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got

into an argument with them on the way home which he

had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion. He set

out cookies and milk and got the kids organised to do

their homework, then set up the ironing board and was

able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing. By

then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and

washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and

fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for

an early dinner.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the

dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put

them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although

his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to

bed where he was expected to make love, which he

managed to get through without complaining. The next

morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and

said :-

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so

wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all

day. Please, O please, let us trade back!" The Lord,

in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you

have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change

things back to the way they were. You'll just have to

wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last

night!!!"
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 28th 2014 3:53 am

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO SET A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES; THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

THOUGHT for the day:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.



Posted By: lukester Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 28th 2014 1:13 pm
lol
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 28th 2014 4:09 pm
"Come on copper just try to pit me" !


[Linked Image]
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 29th 2014 1:59 am
[Linked Image]
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 29th 2014 2:01 am
[Linked Image]
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 29th 2014 2:02 am
[Linked Image]
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 29th 2014 3:47 pm
A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane...... The lady said to him ' Can you help me remove something from my breast please? ‘The exciting young man replied, 'Wow! It will be my pleasure....... So what is it?' "Your Eyes, idiot!"
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 29th 2014 4:31 pm


DISNEYLAND

Two blondes were going to Disneyland ... They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.







FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR
TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING
TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER
WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING



A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE
ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A
VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY,
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
Posted By: Reed Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 30th 2014 6:33 pm
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
-------------------------------------------------
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n):The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.



The WashingtonPost has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n.An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - January 30th 2014 9:53 pm
lol
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 04th 2014 8:04 am
Bob I havent had my daily laugh in days !
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 04th 2014 6:37 pm
An Idiot was eating in a restaurant and suddenly, he started singing aloud to the pleasure of the other customers. After eating, he stood up to go without paying for his meal. "You haven't paid for your meal" said a waitress to him to which he replied "what do you make of my entertainment then?" Getting annoyed, the waitress replied, “no one asked you to entertain anyone," to which the Idiot replied "no one asked me to come and eat here either."
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 05th 2014 11:35 pm
lol
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 05th 2014 11:41 pm
lol
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 06th 2014 12:20 am
He's baaaaaacckkkkkkkk ....
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 06th 2014 12:34 am
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 06th 2014 12:36 am
LMAO you sure have a way of finding a smile for me every day Bob......
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 06th 2014 9:50 pm
Little Johnny and a friend were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store. “What’s it for?’ his friend asked. “I don’t know,” little Johnny replied. “I think you stand on it and it makes you mad. At least it does that for my Mom and Dad.”
Posted By: outskirtscustoms Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 06th 2014 11:05 pm
A Catholic priest was doing confessions one afternoon and had to relieve himself in the middle of one rather long winded lady telling him of the sins of her week, So not wanting to disrupt her confession he peeks out and finds the Church janitor doing his mopping and motions him near. "What do you need preacher?" "Can you just sit in here and listen to her while I go to the restroom, if she finishes before I return it's nothing too serious so give her 3 hail Marys and she's good to go."

The janitor says sure and the priest goes to relieve himself. The lady goes on and on and finally admits to having oral relations with a neighbor man when her husband was at work. Not knowing what to make of this the janitor sticks his head out to look for the priest and sees an alter boy so he calls him over and asks, "What does the priest give for oral sex?"

The boy says, "$5 and a candy bar"

Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 07th 2014 11:33 am
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 07th 2014 9:58 pm
A man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home. The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night. He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "...the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 07th 2014 10:33 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 08th 2014 5:28 pm
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 09th 2014 4:03 pm
One day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Little Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle??? Wait until Christmas!"
Christmas came around, and Little Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry kiddo. Ask me again some other time."
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
Little Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were 'pulling out,' and mommy said that 'you should wait because she was coming, too....'
"And I'll be DAMNED if I'm gonna stuck with your $80,000 mortgage!"
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 10th 2014 3:59 pm
This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?" "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" "Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?" And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here — see?!" The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is final ly done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?" "Check this out — I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
Posted By: outskirtscustoms Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 10th 2014 5:32 pm
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 10th 2014 10:50 pm
lol
Posted By: outskirtscustoms Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 11th 2014 4:38 am
Funniest joke yet... one of the many cars I had when I was younger. It was so ugly I ended up selling it as a crash derby car and it won 3 in a row! It ran great but... Yeah...

[Linked Image]
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 11th 2014 9:48 pm
Guy: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?

Girl: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 11th 2014 10:38 pm
Another smile for the day, courtesy of Bob
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 12th 2014 9:41 pm
A guy was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other; “Nine.” Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten. “Sorry to spoil your evening,” said his friend, “but when I walked in they were speaking German”
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 13th 2014 12:37 am
grin
Posted By: double Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 13th 2014 1:25 am
rofl good one guys
Posted By: OldReadingGus62 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 13th 2014 9:24 am
A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first
Den I come
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time"
The lady can't take it any more,
"You foul mouthed, sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly.
"In this country, we don't speak aloud, in Public places, about our sex lives."
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my friend how to spell Mississippi"

$ 5.00 says you're gonna read this again!


Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 13th 2014 5:22 pm
At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk: How much does it costs? “Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk. “That’s fine,” said the girl. I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 14th 2014 2:16 am
lol
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 14th 2014 2:27 am
“Grandpa will pay the bill.”



LOL
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 14th 2014 4:10 pm
A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whiskey, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out.

Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy, "Excuse me, but I noticed that every time you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket."

The guy slurs, "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good."
Posted By: double Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 14th 2014 10:01 pm
Good one
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 15th 2014 4:07 pm
YOU LIVE IN CALIFORNIA WHEN - -

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.

3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

4. You know how to eat an artichoke.

5. You drive to your neighborhood block party.

6. Someone asks you how far away something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

YOU LIVE IN NEW YORK WHEN - -

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty.

3. You can get into a 4-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

4. You think Central Park is "nature."

5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.

6. You've worn out a car horn.

7 You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

YOU LIVE IN ALASKA WHEN - -

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

YOU LIVE IN THE DEEP SOUTH WHEN - -

1. You get a movie and bait in the same store.

2. "Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.

3. After fifteen years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"

4. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.

5. Everyone has 2 first names.



YOU LIVE IN COLORADO WHEN - -

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the Day Care Center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.

YOU LIVE IN THE MIDWEST WHEN - -

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different! "



YOU LIVE IN FLORIDA WHEN - -

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people

6. You don't know how to vote
Posted By: CatFish Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 15th 2014 4:18 pm
That's not how you spell "y'all".

Bless their heart. smile

Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 16th 2014 3:58 pm
Q. How do you know when a woman is going to say something smart?

A. It will start with "He said..."
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 17th 2014 5:00 pm

Feb 6

This happened at a New York Airport . This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl.

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.
---------------
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed.

He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention, please?" she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.

If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 17th 2014 10:36 pm
lol
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 21st 2014 4:48 am
A man received the following text from his neighbor:
I’m so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I do not get any at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology
with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,
and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect! I meant "wifi", not "wife".
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 21st 2014 9:36 pm
Two men were out golfing. As one was ready to take his shot, a funeral procession drove by the golf course. The man stopped what he was doing, put down his club, and took off his hat and placed it over his heart. His partner was moved by this and said, "That's the nicest thing I've even seen you do!" The man looked back at him and said, "Well, that's the least I could do after 20 years of marriage..."
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 21st 2014 10:41 pm
ROTFLMAO !!!

Bob ya want to warn us, I just spit coffee all over everything !
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 22nd 2014 10:14 pm
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 22nd 2014 10:15 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 23rd 2014 4:15 pm
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 24th 2014 4:52 pm
Cemetery

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"

The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why did you die?"
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 24th 2014 5:24 pm
lol
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 25th 2014 2:31 pm
Subject: Biology

Laugh Of The Day!

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question
was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages

However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.
Posted By: starwars Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 25th 2014 2:35 pm
She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said... "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck.."
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.
Posted By: double Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 25th 2014 4:36 pm
lol some great jokes
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 26th 2014 10:10 pm
A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.

She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful.

Did I really make it to heaven?"

To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked.

"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.L-o-v-e."

St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.

"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"

St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.

So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her loser husband.

"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"

To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."

"What word?" he asked.

The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 27th 2014 1:42 am
............. lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 27th 2014 9:57 pm
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 27th 2014 10:23 pm
......lol
Posted By: lukester Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 27th 2014 10:39 pm
lol
Posted By: sregdor Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 27th 2014 11:35 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 28th 2014 7:45 pm
A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before. ‘You’ll get your chance in court,’ says the desk sergeant.

‘No, no, no! says the man. ‘I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!’
Posted By: outskirtscustoms Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - February 28th 2014 9:11 pm
haha lol
Posted By: outskirtscustoms Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 01st 2014 8:52 pm
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some homework" The robot slaps the son. The son says "Ok ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story" The robot slaps the son again. Son says, "Ok ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps the father. The Mother laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.
Posted By: Greywolf Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 01st 2014 10:17 pm
rofl rofl cheers
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 01st 2014 10:23 pm
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.

You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"

That's Direct Marketing.



You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.

One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says,

"He's very rich. Marry him."

That's Advertising.



You see a gorgeous girl at a party.

You go up to her and get her telephone number.

The next day you call and say, "Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me."

That's Telemarketing.



You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.

You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour

her a drink.

You open the door for her; pick up her bag after she drops it,

offer her a ride, and then say,

"By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"

That's Public Relations.



You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.

She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich."

That's Brand Recognition.



You see a gorgeous girl at a party.

You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me"

She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

That's Customer Feedback!!!!
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 02nd 2014 4:48 pm
A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 03rd 2014 3:17 pm
..... lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 03rd 2014 8:02 pm
The teacher asks Little Johnny "Which body part goes to heaven first?"

Little Johnny replies "The feet miss"

So the teacher says "Why the feet?"

And Little Johnny says "Because when I go in my mummys bedroom at night she has her legs in the air shouting 'Oh my God I'm coming'"
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 04th 2014 9:31 pm
An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks." A British doctor says: "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks." A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks." A Nigerian doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind...... We just took a man with NO brain, made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work.
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 05th 2014 12:32 am
Originally Posted by DrBob
An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks." A British doctor says: "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks." A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks." A Nigerian doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind...... We just took a man with NO brain, made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work.

...................... rofl
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 05th 2014 11:14 pm
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? “The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize. “How?" asks the man, puzzled. “Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."
Posted By: outskirtscustoms Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 06th 2014 1:29 am
Originally Posted by DrBob
An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks." A British doctor says: "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks." A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks." A Nigerian doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind...... We just took a man with NO brain, made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work.


I think America has followed Nigeria's lead...lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 06th 2014 9:34 pm
Two elderly couples were enjoying a friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."

"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!"

He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
Posted By: lukester Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 06th 2014 10:13 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 07th 2014 8:42 pm
A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead. Not happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion. The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head. "There" says the vet,” Your hamster is dead". Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head. "It's definitely dead sir", says the vet. Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes. "That will be £1000, please". "A £1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead" fumes the man. "Well", says the vet, "There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan".
Posted By: double Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 08th 2014 12:10 am
That's a good one you have a lot of great jokes.
Posted By: Greywolf Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 08th 2014 1:58 am
rofl cheers
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 08th 2014 1:56 pm
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven,
sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their
"Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic,
you do a bang-up job when you finally get here;
but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am sorry and am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.”

“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder.“

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment,

“I know you're retired from the Armed Forces.
What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?"
The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled.
He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin,
"They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 08th 2014 2:14 pm
grin
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 08th 2014 4:15 pm
A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said "Are they in your house?" He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator said there were no cars available at that time. He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. "I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!" Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene. After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!" The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!"
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 08th 2014 5:02 pm
Oh how true that is .... kinda had the same thing happen but it was about my bro's car thief, from the party he was at .. he called.. no unit avail ..... the car thief had hit a car down the street... the MAYOR's car and the cops were at is house in 3 minutes.....caught the guy.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 10th 2014 5:43 pm
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 10th 2014 10:24 pm
I didnt know my Workman's Comp Lawyer died .....
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 11th 2014 3:45 pm
Little Johnny and Little Lisa are only 10 years old, but they know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Lisa's father to ask for his blessing.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Jones, me and Lisa are in love and I want to ask you for your blessing."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Jones replies, "Well Johnny, you're only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Lisa's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just cute, Mr. Jones says, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. How will you afford food and rent?"

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "With our allowance. Lisa gets 5 bucks a week and I get 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Jones is realizing that Johnny has put much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.

He then says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you've got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should kids of your own?"

Johnny shrugs his shoulders and says "We've been lucky so far..."
Posted By: double Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 11th 2014 7:22 pm
lol shit
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 11th 2014 10:38 pm
Originally Posted by double
lol shit


................ yeah ....... there so cute at that age... rofl
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 12th 2014 2:56 pm
True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period.

How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It's because I am.

Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional.

It just has '4X' on it. “At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because

he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM

drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 13th 2014 3:20 pm
Two little boys were sitting on the porch, when one little boy says, "My daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke rings."

Then Little Johnny, not to be outdone responds, "My Dad can blow smoke out of his ass."

"Really, have you seen it?" asks the other boy.

Little Johnny responds, "No, but I've seen the tobacco stains in his underwear."
Posted By: double Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 13th 2014 5:11 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 15th 2014 3:22 pm
A guy took his girl friend to her first Longhorn football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied,

"Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: get the quarterback. Get the quarterback! It’s only 25 cents!
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 16th 2014 5:06 pm
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick! Spit'em out! They're assholes!"
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 16th 2014 6:15 pm
ROTFLMAO
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 17th 2014 8:47 pm
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 18th 2014 11:06 pm
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"
Posted By: lukester Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 18th 2014 11:19 pm
lol
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 18th 2014 11:48 pm
.......... haha
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 19th 2014 8:27 pm
Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole. One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound.

He turned to the other guy and said "that must be a deep hole...let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom." The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in.

They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it.

One man spotted a rail-road tie nearby. They picked up the tie, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in. No sound. All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were amazed.

About that time, an old hayseed farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat. One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed...they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole. The man asked the farmer if this could have been his goat.

The old farmer said "naw, that can't be my goat...he was chained to a railroad tie."
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 20th 2014 2:01 am
........ crazy
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 20th 2014 8:51 pm
A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 21st 2014 7:18 pm
Once upon a time, there was a cat that died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful -- she had to sleep in cold black alleys, where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way -- but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on.. The cat lay down upon the pillow and was happy. A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. The earth was no better for them than it was the cat. They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them roller-skates. One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she liked hea ven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow was the meals on wheels.
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 21st 2014 8:09 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 22nd 2014 2:49 pm
Mr. and Mrs. Thorne had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week's vacation in Majorca. "I wish we'd brought the piano with us," said Mr. Thorne. "What on earth for?" asked his wife.

"I've left the tickets on it."
Posted By: outskirtscustoms Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 23rd 2014 12:37 pm
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, ''Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention ... the assembly line for the automobile changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want.'' Ford thinks to himself about it, and says, ''I want to hang out with God Himself.''

The befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, ''When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?'' God asks, ''What do you mean?'' ''Well,'' says Ford, ''You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly need repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. fuel consumption is outrageous.

...just to name a few.'' ''Hmmm ...,'' replies God, ''Hold on a minute.'' God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, ''It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 23rd 2014 1:48 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 23rd 2014 3:01 pm
LMAO when I read this.

A hobo (wanderer) comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days." The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch in the back of the house, I will give you a good meal." So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner asks, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in." The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW.."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 24th 2014 3:31 pm
Three men were shipwrecked on a desert island and where captured by the local natives. They were brought to the chief native. The chief gave the men two choices; they could have death or submit to unga bunga. The first man decides he does not want to die, so he chooses unga bunga. Ten of the natives took him into the woods, when he came back one hour later he was all beaten up. The second man chooses unga bunga and he was taken out the woods for 2 hours where the natives beat him up. The third man not wanting to go through all that torture decided upon death. So the chief said ok death by Unga Bunga
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 25th 2014 10:21 pm
A doctor calls his patient and says; the check you gave me for my bill came back.

The patient replied: So did my arthritis!
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 26th 2014 2:49 pm
God created the donkey & said to him: “You will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence & you will live 50 years.

You will be a donkey. “The donkey answered: “I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years. God granted his wish.

God created the dog and said to him: "You will be a dog.” You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 25 years. You will be a dog. “The dog answered: “Master, to live 25 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish. God created the Monkey and said to him: “You will be a monkey.” You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. You will be a monkey. “The monkey answered: “Master to live 20 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish.

Finally God created the man and said to him: “You will be a man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.” You will use your intelligence to become master over all animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years. Man responded: "I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused. God granted his wish. And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, he marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are gone, he lives 15 years like a dog, taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house, from one son or daughter to another, doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.
Posted By: outskirtscustoms Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 29th 2014 2:22 am
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 29th 2014 6:52 pm
A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain.

Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.

The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 30th 2014 4:47 pm
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.

"That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - March 31st 2014 3:12 pm
An Accident Report

I am writing in response to your request for “additional information.” In block number 30 of the accident report form, I put “poor planning” as the cause for my accident. You said in your last letter that I should explain more fully. I trust that the following detail will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot antenna tower. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought about 300 lbs. of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the pole at the tip of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and materials into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 300 lbs. of tools.

You will note in block number 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 155 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken clavicle.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly on the rope in spite of the pain. At about the same time however, the barrel hit the ground. The bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed 20 pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might guess, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations or my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of tools, and fortunately only three vertebras were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind.

I let go of the rope…
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 02nd 2014 10:12 pm
A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to start farming. He goes to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies. Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens." "Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well. "Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"
Posted By: lukester Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 02nd 2014 10:18 pm
lol
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 03rd 2014 9:47 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 03rd 2014 9:51 pm
A famous scientist developed a formula to bring statues to life.

He went to a local park to try it out on a statue of Gen. Ulysses Grant.

After application, Gen Grant began to move and soon was completely alive.

The scientist asked, "What's the first thing you'll do, General?"

The general answered while drawing his pistol "I'm going to kill about a million damn pigeons!"
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 05th 2014 7:20 pm
An Antartian is terribly overweight, so his doctor puts him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks," the doctor ordered. "The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the Antartian returns, he's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Antartian nods, "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" the doc questioned.

"No, from skipping."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 07th 2014 5:01 pm
One day a rich famous man went to buy a sport car from a dealership. The price of the car was $80000 and the man had only $79998 to pay.

The sales associate insisted that the price is firm and it has to be $80000.

The man came out of the store and looked around and saw a poor man begging for help. He went toward him and introduced himself and asked if he is kind enough to lend him $2. The poor man asked the reason. He replied that he is willing to buy a car. The poor man though for a moment and gave the man $4 and said: Please buy one for me too.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 09th 2014 6:30 pm
A truck driver is driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”
Posted By: Greywolf Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 09th 2014 8:52 pm
rofl keep em coming Dr Bob I needed a laught today,Thanks joe cheers
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 10th 2014 12:49 am
Good stuff DrBob.......... lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 11th 2014 6:38 pm
One day while at her job as a bank loan officer, Patty Black, had a frog hop onto her desk and say, "I would like to apply for a lily-pad improvement loan." Patty looked incredulously at the frog and said, "I'm sorry, we don't loan money to frogs." To which the frog replied, "I have collateral," as he handed her a small ceramic trinket. Not wanting to be impolite, Patty said, "I don't know. I'll have to talk to the bank manager."

She walked back to the manager's office and said, "There is a frog out here, asking for a lily-pad improvement loan, and this trinket is all he has for collateral." The bank manager picked up the trinket and looked at it carefully. Then smiling he turned to Patty and said, "Why it's a knick-knack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 12th 2014 6:04 pm
Eight men have been at a mental hospital for a period of time and are being tested to find out how they are progressing in order for them to leave the institution. The doctor in charge takes them all into a room and with a ball pen draws a door on the wall and asks each one of the patients to try and open the door for him as part of the test. Seven of them rushed out and attempted to open the door on the wall. The doctor was disappointed with the results but never the less call on the last one who was still sitting down and asked him why didn’t he stand up and try to open the door with the others. The eighth man replied: “because I was holding the key to the door”
Posted By: outskirtscustoms Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 13th 2014 2:14 pm
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
"To My Dear Wife,You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset. I shall be back home before midnight."
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:"
My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation,
although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 a lot more times
than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back home until sometime tomorrow."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 13th 2014 2:41 pm
Remember to always give 100% at work
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5%on Friday

Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 13th 2014 9:41 pm
Originally Posted by DrBob
Remember to always give 100% at work
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5%on Friday



..... lol the American way unfortunately..... grin
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 16th 2014 3:04 pm
Bill: Where did you get that gold watch Joe?

Joe: I won it in a race.

Bill: How many people participated in it?

Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!!
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 17th 2014 3:08 pm
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"
Posted By: Greywolf Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 17th 2014 7:33 pm
rofl cheers
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 17th 2014 8:14 pm
Originally Posted by Greywolf
rofl cheers



Isnt Bob the best !!!
Day after day he finds a way to bring a smile to so many.

Again Thank You
Posted By: newkirkinc1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 18th 2014 12:46 am
Yes he does , very good Bob! lol
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 18th 2014 2:30 am
........ lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 18th 2014 3:22 pm
During training exercises, the Lieutenant driving down a

muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud

with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled

alongside.

"Nope," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him

the keys, "Yours is."
Posted By: newkirkinc1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 18th 2014 7:23 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 19th 2014 4:08 pm
The lawyer was cross-examining a witness.

“Isn’t it true, “he bellowed, “that you were I given $500.00 to throw this case?”

The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn’t

heard the question. The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction - no response.

Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, “Please answer the question.”

“Oh,” said the startled witness, “I thought he was talking to you.”
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 20th 2014 3:10 pm
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are cute!” The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,” it was now “cute.” She said, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?”

Her husband replied, “The drugs are wearing off!”
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 21st 2014 3:03 pm
Once there was an Antartian that was down on his luck. In order to get some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree and told him "I've kidnapped you."

The Antartian wrote a note saying "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it beneath the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the city playground. Signed, An Antartian."

The Antartian then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the Antartian checked, and sure enough a paper bag was sitting beneath that pecan tree. The Antartian opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note. The note said, "How could one Antartian do this to another Antartian?!"
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 22nd 2014 8:12 pm
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - April 23rd 2014 5:15 pm
One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"


Last Joke till after Doc & dees warm up party unless I can get internet. van
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 04th 2014 5:50 pm
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 04th 2014 6:14 pm
“How long have you been working here?” one employee asked to another.

“Ever since the boss threatened to fire me.”
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 05th 2014 7:11 pm
Men who are bald at front of their heads are good thinkers. Men who are bald at the back of their heads are good lovers. Men who are bald at front and back think they are good lovers.
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 05th 2014 10:32 pm
------- grin
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 06th 2014 5:40 pm
A fifth grader class was on an educational trip. As they rode along in the school bus, the teacher noticed that one boy was lying facedown in the aisle of the bus with his hands over his eyes. “Why are you lying in the aisle like that.”

“Well,” said the boy, “if you don’t see anything, you don’t have to write anything.”
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 07th 2014 7:59 pm
It is truly said that children brighten a home - they never turn the lights off.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 12th 2014 5:11 pm
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital,

near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition

appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something

to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and

Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then

suddenly died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that

time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that

he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred

died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before

he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure

there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Please step to your left -- you're

standing on my oxygen tube!"
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 13th 2014 8:32 pm
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy..."
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 13th 2014 8:40 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 14th 2014 3:57 pm
Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite team’s game. They promised, whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally Earl did. He said to Bob. "I have good news and bad news. I'll tell you the good news first. There is baseball in heaven." Bob said, "That’s the best news!" Then Earl said, time for the bad news....”You're pitching tomorrow night."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 15th 2014 3:15 pm
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.

“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.

“You did WHAT?! ?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 15th 2014 9:50 pm
---------- lol
Posted By: Greywolf Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 16th 2014 2:32 am
rofl cheers
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 16th 2014 3:07 pm
At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear.

The judge asks the baby bear; “do you want to live with papa bear?” The baby bear replied; "No he beats me. " The judge asked, so do you want to live with mommy bear! The baby bear said, "No she beats me too." The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?" The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 17th 2014 3:52 pm
A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
Posted By: newkirkinc1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 18th 2014 10:57 am
Good one Bob!
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 18th 2014 3:50 pm
You Don't Need to Be a Weatherman...

It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"

The husband replies, I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 20th 2014 3:15 pm
Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?

Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 26th 2014 5:47 pm
A beautiful woman in her thirties was passing through customs in London, when the customs official asks her what the reason for her trip to London was.

Business or pleasure, he asks?

Sadness and pleasure! She says to the officer!

Why?

Well, my 75 years old husband has just died and I came to his funeral!

My condolences, says the officer!

It must be a very difficult and painful time you're going through!

Not really, this is my pleasure! I'm so sad because only now I found out that he was dead broke and did not leave a dime, a penny, not even a Will for me!
Posted By: Greywolf Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 26th 2014 9:12 pm
rofl cheers
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 27th 2014 3:42 pm
suggestion from a Human Resources Manager:

HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES . . .

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 28th 2014 3:08 pm
The boss was concerned that his employees weren’t giving him enough respect, so he tried and old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said “I’m the Boss” and taped it to his door. After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his. “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”
Posted By: lukester Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 29th 2014 1:41 am
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 29th 2014 5:31 pm
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says,

"All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine".

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens -- the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies,

"Nothing is wrong with me -- it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf -- he's BLIND!"
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - May 30th 2014 6:32 pm
An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says,

"No way, buddy, you're too drunk."

A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom. Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time -- you're too drunk"

Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"

The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 01st 2014 3:09 pm
Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 02nd 2014 3:21 pm
Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."

The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it’s a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die." "Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."

So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.

"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.

"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.

"Yeah, I think I do!"

"Well, I didn't."
Posted By: doc yukon Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 02nd 2014 7:32 pm

Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school in Dublin.

"What's your name?" asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.


"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Sean."

Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.


"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Sean."

"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"

And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.


The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises.

"What happened to you, Sean?" she asked.

"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fricking Arabs."















Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 02nd 2014 11:02 pm
........... lol
Posted By: wrcsixeight Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 03rd 2014 6:53 am
So BB King's birthday is fast approaching and his Lady friend wants to do something special for him.

So She goes out, and Gets A letter B tattooed on Each ample Butt Cheek.

After a birthday Dinner she teases him a bit and Saunters upstairs having given him instructions to wait a few minutes before following.

So She is upstairs alone and decides it would be best if the first thing he saw when opening the door, was her new tattoos, So she gets on her knees and presents herself to the doorway hoping for the best possible reaction.

BB finishes his drink, climbs the stairs, opens the door, has a look, and Says:

"Who the Heck is BoB?"

Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 03rd 2014 10:14 am
rofl
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 03rd 2014 4:36 pm
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly."I would do anything to pass this exam," she says.She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..."He returns her gaze, "Anything?""Anything."His voice softens, "Anything?""Anything," she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 03rd 2014 10:31 pm
....... rofl
Posted By: newkirkinc1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 05th 2014 12:12 am
Very good Bob! lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 08th 2014 6:17 pm
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Rhode Island State house in Providence, one from Cranston, and another from North Kingstown and the third, Exeter. They go with a State house official to examine the fence.

The North Kingstown contractor takes out a tape measure and does some Measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Exeter contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Cranston contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the State House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Cranston contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Exeter to fix the fence."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 10th 2014 8:35 pm
A preacher was standing at the pulpit giving his Sunday sermon when a note was passed to him. The only word written on the sheet was IDIOT. Looking up at the congregation, the preacher smiled and said: I have heard of men who write letters and forget to sign their names but this is the first time I will see a man sign his name and forget to write the letters.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 11th 2014 3:19 pm
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 11th 2014 9:17 pm
...... rofl
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 12th 2014 3:10 pm
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 12th 2014 4:09 pm
Brain over brawn any day .... The lazest man will find the easiest way.
Posted By: doc yukon Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 12th 2014 4:12 pm

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong .

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.


Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays , Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'


Q.. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States






Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 16th 2014 9:09 pm
What's the good thing about having Altzeimer's?

You get to meet new people every day!
Posted By: Greywolf Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 16th 2014 11:57 pm
rofl cheers
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 19th 2014 3:27 pm
A man was well inebriated, but he got behind the wheel of his car anyway and began to drive home. Of course, he couldn't exactly drive straight or stay below the speed limit. Two policemen pulled him over and demanded a sobriety test. They asked him to walk a straight line, and he failed. They began to take him with them, but suddenly they received a call on their walkie-talkies, asking them to go to another part of town. They asked the man to be patient while they called someone else to cover for them. But the man grew tired of waiting and, after a few minutes, drove home. He got in bed and said to his wife, who had been waiting for him, "If any policemen come looking for me, tell them I'm not home yet." The wife agreed, somewhat confused and a little embarrassed. No sooner than her husband fell asleep did she hear a knock at the door. Sure enough, it was the two policeme n. They asked about her husband, and she replied that he wasn't home. Then they asked to check her garage. Puzzled, she agreed. She opened up the garage for them--and there sat the policemen's squad car, lights still flashing.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 20th 2014 3:33 pm
Little Johnny comes home from Sunday school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!" "Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women." Sure enough, the very next Sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!" "But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 20th 2014 3:50 pm
RATFLMAO
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 20th 2014 6:09 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 21st 2014 3:05 pm
Three men wanted to cross a river. They had no idea how to cross it, so one man knelt down on his knees and prayed "Lord give me the power and strength the cross the river." suddenly the man became very strong and swam across the river. The next man thought: if it worked for him, it'll work for me. So he knelt down and prayed "Lord give the skills and the strength to cross the river." the man built a canoe and rowed himself across the river. The last man thought: if it worked for both of them, I know it'll work for me. So he also knelt down and prayed "Lord give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river." He turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 22nd 2014 3:09 pm
His father sends a small boy to bed. Five

minutes later....

"Da-ad...."

"What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your

chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 23rd 2014 6:58 pm
60 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats.

Chicago people sunbathe.

50 above - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.

Chicago people plant gardens.

40 above - Italian cars won't start.

Chicago people drive with the windows down.

32 above - Distilled water freezes.

Lake Michigan's water gets thicker.

20 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably.

Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold.

15 above - New York landlords finally turn up the heat.

Chicago people throw on a sweatshirt.

0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico.

Chicago people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the

sweatshirt.

20 below - People in Miami cease to exist.

Chicago people get out their winter coats.

40 below - Hollywood disintegrates.

Chicago's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.

Chicago's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets

cold enough.

80 below - Mount St. Helen's freezes.

Chicago people rent some videos.

100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.

Chicago people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

297 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products.

Illinois cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

460 below - ALL atomic motion stops.

Chicago people start saying. . ."Cold 'nuff for ya??"

500 below - Hell freezes over.

The Chicago Cubs win the World Series.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 24th 2014 3:10 pm
USEFUL WORK PHRASES



1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by

your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean

you're an artist.

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet

it's hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is

purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't

care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young

and stupid.

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your

mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions

I had about you.

11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of

Karma to burn off.

12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are

largely ceremonial.

13. No, my powers can only be used for good.

14. How about never? Is never good for you?

15. I'm really easy to get along with once you

people learn to worship me.

16. You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.

17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being

smarter.

18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a

message .

19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my

toys!

22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the

cellular level I'm really quite busy.

23. At least I have a positive attitude about my

destructive habits.

24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of

strangers.

25. I see you've set aside this special time to

humiliate yourself in public.

26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh

nervously, and change the subject.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 26th 2014 3:11 pm
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

Not only that, but....

Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 29th 2014 10:23 pm
Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,

Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants!

I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before,

So pull up a chair and sit on the floor.

Admission is free, so pay at the door.

One fine day, in the middle of the night,

two, dead boys got up to fight.

Back to back, they faced each other,

drew their swords and shot each other.

A deaf policeman heard the noise,

and saved the lives of the two dead boys.

If you don't believe my lies are true,

ask the blind man, he saw it too!
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 30th 2014 3:10 pm
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh, yeah? Says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.

"Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!
Posted By: lukester Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 30th 2014 3:38 pm
lol
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - June 30th 2014 8:37 pm
lol
Posted By: Reed Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 03rd 2014 4:53 pm
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

Of course, This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 07th 2014 3:43 pm
Did you hear about the golfer trying to buy a new golf club? He looked at club after club after club. His friend asked him "Why are you taking so long?" He replied "I am looking for a hole in one!"
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 10th 2014 3:59 pm
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it; Fifty people swindled!” Fifty people swindled! Curios, a man walked over, bought a paper, and said, "Hey kid, this is an old paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?” The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "read all about it; Fifty-one people swindled!”
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 11th 2014 12:28 pm
..... lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 11th 2014 3:40 pm
A mother carefully explained to her young daughter how children were created. She used the expression “carrying a child” instead of “pregnant,” but the girl seemed satisfied.

Sometime later, a terrible fire broke out in the neighborhood, and the girl stood by watching. Here is how she described the scene to her parents: “There was this big fire, and a fireman ran into the house, and when he came out, he was pregnant.”
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 20th 2014 4:52 pm
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Posted By: lukester Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 20th 2014 6:18 pm
lol
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 20th 2014 9:57 pm
............... lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 22nd 2014 8:26 pm
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more Freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill Clinton: "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then addresses Bill Gates: "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?"

Bill Gates says, "I believe you're in my chair."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 23rd 2014 7:22 pm
An old man was tired from riding his bike, and decided to hitch hike. A guy in his red Corvette pulled up to give him a lift. When the old man brought out his bike that he had leaned up against a tree, the driver said, "I have no room for your bike in my car, but I'd like to help you in someway seeing you standing here in the hot sun." After a few seconds of thought, the driver said, "I know what we can do. I have a rope behind my seat. I'll tie one end of it to the rear end of my car and the other end to the front your bike. You ride your bike, and I'll give you this whistle. If I go too fast for you, just blow your whistle and I'll slow down." The old guy agreed to it. So off he went down the highway with the old man and his bike in tow. A little ways down the rode, a young lady in a bright yellow corvette pulls up next to them. She gives the guy in the red Vette the Hig h Sign, meaning "you want a drag?" Off they go down the highway, 100 plus MPH, the old man blowing his whistle like crazy. They zipped by a Highway Patrol cop sitting under a tree. The cop knew he couldn't catch them, so he called ahead to his fellow cop down the rode to intercept. "Car number 2, this is car number 1." "Go head number 1, what'cha got for me?" I got a red and yellow Vettes come down your way doing hundred plus, can you intercept?" "Ten-four, Is there anything else?" "Yeah, you wouldn't believe this, but there is an old guy riding a bicycle blowing his whistle trying to pass."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 24th 2014 4:34 pm
At a bar, one patron to another: “Excuse me but I think you owe me a drink.”

Why?

“You’re so ugly that I dropped mine when I saw you”
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 25th 2014 2:47 pm
Don't steal, the Government hates competition!
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 29th 2014 3:13 pm
New customer to Tech Support: “It says, hit any key and when I do that nothing happens'.

Tech Support: Can you try again and tell me what happens?

Customer: 'Tried but nothing”

Tech Support: “What key did you hit?

After a moment and some chick ling sound the customer replied: Well, first I tried my car key and just now my office key.
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 29th 2014 9:54 pm
lol
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 29th 2014 11:05 pm
----------- lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 30th 2014 4:44 pm
An idiot decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the idiot. "I think I am planting them too deep."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 31st 2014 4:13 pm
Job Application:

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ‘‘thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.''

"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicants inquired.

''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question..5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'''
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - July 31st 2014 8:56 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 01st 2014 6:45 pm
A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a ‘funeral director.’ After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse carriers. With a smile on her face she explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’
Posted By: Greywolf Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 01st 2014 7:58 pm
rofl cheers
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 02nd 2014 3:27 pm
An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken in to.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
Posted By: lukester Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 02nd 2014 8:52 pm
lol
Posted By: newkirkinc1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 03rd 2014 9:24 am
Good one lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 03rd 2014 8:03 pm
A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney’s larger constructions.

First he took him to Gladesville Bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What’s that!” In reply the Australian said, "Thats the Gladesville Bridge".

"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?” The Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men."

The Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would've done it in 2 years with 500 men."

Next they went to the Sydney Opera House. "What's that" said the Texan. "That's the Sydney Opera House" was the reply.

"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?” The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 200 men". The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would've done it in 4 years with 200 men."

By this stage the Australian was a little put out by the Texan's attitude so he decided to get some revenge, they walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbor Bridge came into view.

Immediately the Texan exclaimed, "Wow! What's that?"

The Australian Engineer replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
Posted By: CatFish Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 05th 2014 9:24 pm
This can apply to a lot of us here...... lol

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOgd9hitEAE

Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 06th 2014 3:25 pm
The teacher wrote on the blackboard, “I ain’t had no fun all summer.”

“Now Paul,” she said. “What shall I do to correct this?”

“Get a boy friend.” Paul replied.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 07th 2014 3:12 pm
A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 10th 2014 4:37 pm
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in well last week."

"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"

"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 12th 2014 2:50 pm
For his entire working life, a dedicated and hardworking Astrophysicist tried in all earnest to find the existence of other being somewhere in the universe. After 58 years of constant effort, he finally receives a response from a planet 30 billion light years away.

“What is your planet like?” groaned the extraterrestrial from the other side of the Galaxy.

“It is 12,756 Kilometers in diameter, is 93,000,000 miles from the nearest star, our sun, has an average temperature of 72 degrees F. We breathe oxygen, live about 75 years, and have both men and women” answered the Physicist.

“Do the you get along with the women on your planet?” the extraterrestrial asked slowly.

Puzzled by the question, but not wanting to insult the female Physicists near by, he answered “Why yes. We get along quite well here.”

The extraterrestrial perked up “Can we send you ours?”
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 15th 2014 4:37 pm
During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 15th 2014 9:20 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 16th 2014 2:52 pm
Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."

"Great. Where do you live?"

"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."

"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"

"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 16th 2014 3:11 pm
.............. haha
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 17th 2014 2:47 pm
Poor old Pete sent his photograph off to a Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 18th 2014 4:38 pm
A man was checking into a hotel when he saw a golden retriever sitting on a rug near the hotel elevator. Talking to the man behind the desk, he asked, "Does your dog bite?" The attendant said, "No, he doesn't." But as the man let his hand down to pat the dog, it bit his hand and held on so tightly that the man had to throw him across the room.

Returning to the desk, the man said, "I thought you said that your dog didn't bite." He directed the attendant's attention to the dog, who now had returned to the rug. The attendant simply answered, "My friend that is NOT my dog."
Posted By: Reed Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 18th 2014 4:39 pm
Classic Pink Panther joke. Peter Sellers was a genius.
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 18th 2014 5:18 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 20th 2014 10:48 pm
Tom was invited to his friend’s house for dinner. He found that his buddy called his wife every cute name in the book: honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, and baby.

When she was in the kitchen, he leaned over to his friend and said, “I think it’s nice you still call your wife all those pet names.” “To tell you the truth,” his friend said, “I forgot her name abut three years ago.”
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 23rd 2014 2:46 pm
An old man is afraid that his wife is loosing her hearing. So, he walks up right to her ear and asks, "Can you hear me?" She didn't answer. He walked up closer and asked again. But there was no answer. Finally he asked her one more time really loud and his wife said, "for the third time yes!!!"
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 25th 2014 3:08 pm
The science graduate asks, "Why does it work?" The engineering graduate asks, "How does it work?" The accounting graduate asks, "How much does it cost?" The liberal arts graduate asks, "Would you like fries with that?"
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 26th 2014 3:24 pm
“How are you getting on with your exams?”

“Not bad. The questions are easy enough – it’s the answers I have trouble with!”
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 26th 2014 9:17 pm
......... lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - August 27th 2014 3:31 pm
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door on his way the office.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opens the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil-wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrive. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman shouldn’t wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the candy, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never spent a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my whole life!'
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 04th 2014 3:51 pm
Mr. Marlow was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. Mr. Marlow struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of information.

"We are a religious family, Mr.Marlow, and we've instilled those values in our horse. To get him to gallop you must say 'Thanks God' to get him to stop you must say 'Our Father Who Art in Heaven,"

Settling into the saddle, Marlow said " Thanks God," and the animal took off. They rode for miles; suddenly they were coming up to a cliff. Unfortunately, Marlow couldn't remember the phrase to make the animal stop and tried every Biblical passage he could think of until, just a few feet from the edge of the cliff, he shouted, " Our Father Who Art in Heaven! The animal stopped instantly. Shaking and perspiring, Marlow reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. "Thanks God," he said as he mopped his brow...
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 05th 2014 4:23 pm
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?

A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.
Posted By: Greywolf Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 05th 2014 8:37 pm
rofl Thanks Dr Bob. cheers
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 05th 2014 11:35 pm
.......... lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 06th 2014 2:45 pm
Never criticize someone unless you walk a mile in his or her shoes, and then when you criticize them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 07th 2014 3:20 pm
good one Bob... lol
Posted By: newkirkinc1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 07th 2014 8:54 pm
Very good Bob!
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 08th 2014 2:53 pm
Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will pass, and I’ll inherit his large fortune.”

Impress, the woman took his business card and three months later, she became Joe’s stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men!!
Posted By: Erik43 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 08th 2014 8:35 pm
lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 09th 2014 3:47 pm
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 10th 2014 5:26 pm
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothing,'" the beachcomber said.

"Wow," said the tourist.

The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 11th 2014 2:49 pm
"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 11th 2014 8:21 pm
laugh
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 15th 2014 4:16 pm
Two man playing golf were held up by two women playing in front of them. One man said: "I'll walk up to them and tell them to hurry up." When he returned he said: "I have a problem, one of the women is my wife and the other one is my mistress." The second man said: "I'll walk up to them and hurry them up." He came back and said: " We both have the same problem.”
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 15th 2014 11:49 pm
......... rofl
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 16th 2014 4:07 pm
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just waken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"
Posted By: Greywolf Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 16th 2014 6:33 pm
rofl cheers
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 17th 2014 2:56 pm
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 18th 2014 2:48 pm
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is that considered a hostage crisis?
Posted By: Hoagie Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 18th 2014 11:12 pm
With hockey pre-season only a few days away...

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some idiot wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.”

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.” The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”

“Northern Minnesota, sir,” the boy replied.

“Well, why did you leave Northern Minnesota?” the manager asked.

The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but skanky girls and hockey players up there.”

“Is that so!” said the manager. “My wife is from Northern Minnesota!”

The boy replied, “Wow, really? Who did she play for?”
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 20th 2014 2:52 pm
Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.

Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior.The friend listened to her and then asked, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in. This t ime, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?" At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!"
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 21st 2014 3:45 pm
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.

The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!

She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and warned she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said,"Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 23rd 2014 3:41 pm
The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country. Count down to #1...

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the

speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can

write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think

it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that

again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are

drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go

to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and corn dogs and step in monkey poo. "

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend

of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

The envelope please.....................

AND THE WINNER IS ...



#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 24th 2014 3:48 pm
A policeman brought four boys before a judge.

"They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said.

"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency.

Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."

"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 28th 2014 8:35 pm
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor."You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 30th 2014 2:54 pm
A small 1 SEATER plane crashed into a cemetery. Police have recovered 102 bodies so far and will continue to dig throughout the night.
Posted By: Rusty Pancelode Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 30th 2014 7:36 pm
Must have crashed in Frisco, TX.
LOL!
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 30th 2014 8:48 pm
Originally Posted by DrBob
A small 1 SEATER plane crashed into a cemetery. Police have recovered 102 bodies so far and will continue to dig throughout the night.


lol
Posted By: newkirkinc1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - September 30th 2014 11:05 pm
Nice one Bob! lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 01st 2014 4:51 pm
"Dad, where did I come from?" asks this 10-years-old. The father was shocked that a 10 year old would be asking a question like that. He was hoping to wait a few more years before he would have to explain the facts of life, but he figured it was better a few years early than a few days too late, so, for the next two hours he explained every thing to his son. When he got finished, he asked his son what prompted his question to which his son replied, "I was talking to the new kid across the street and he said he came from Ohio, so I was just wondering where I came from."
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 02nd 2014 5:14 pm
Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the

occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

Day 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep deprivation, incessant pleas for food at all hours of the night.

Day 767 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture.This time, however, it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my

confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue, something akin to mole speak, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal, room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 03rd 2014 2:57 pm
While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale

made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground

controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you

going! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.

I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' and 'D', but get it right!" Continuing

her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 03rd 2014 10:55 pm
cheers
Posted By: Rusty Pancelode Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 04th 2014 4:10 am
LOL!
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 06th 2014 5:07 pm
A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 06th 2014 7:53 pm
[quote=DrBob]

..... lol
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 06th 2014 8:51 pm
laugh
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 07th 2014 5:04 pm
Little Johnny was at football practice one day and the coach said

"Who here thinks they can jump higher than the goal posts"

Immediately little Johnny said, "Ooh me sir me"

The coach then said, "But Johnny you are the worst in the team!"

Then Johnny said, "I know, but goalposts can’t jump!"
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 07th 2014 7:45 pm
.... lol wow.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 08th 2014 4:00 pm
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine..."
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 08th 2014 5:09 pm
Where do you find these ..... awesome ..... flavorful tidbits of humor ?
Posted By: Rusty Pancelode Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 08th 2014 7:27 pm
LOL!
That's SO wrong!
lol
Posted By: newkirkinc1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 08th 2014 7:51 pm
rofl
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 08th 2014 8:04 pm
rofl
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 08th 2014 9:38 pm
rofl
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 13th 2014 6:17 pm
Wife: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”

Husband: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”

Wife: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”

Husband: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. Where’s the car?”

Wife: “In the swimming pool.”
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 13th 2014 6:50 pm
rofl
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 14th 2014 6:47 pm
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 14th 2014 8:56 pm
rofl
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 15th 2014 4:03 pm
A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.

"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.

"Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!"
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 15th 2014 9:04 pm
haha
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 16th 2014 12:26 pm
Two classmates were chatting in their lunch break...

"I know how to get money real quick" says one,” how?"

"go to your dad and say, "I know the truth" and he'll give you money"

So the young boy went home and said "dad, I know the truth" and

his dad gave him ten dollars and told him not to tell anyone 'the truth'.

He then went to his mother, " Mom, I know the truth” he said.

"Please don't tell your dad" she said and gave him twenty dollars.

Content with thirty dollars he went outside to go to the arcade and saw the milkman. "I know the truth,” he shouted out.

The milkman replied "Well come and hug your real father then"
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 16th 2014 2:21 pm
lol
Posted By: Wizard78 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 16th 2014 8:43 pm
lol
Posted By: newkirkinc1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 16th 2014 10:49 pm
Good one Bob!
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 19th 2014 4:55 pm
Two roofers, Larry and Joe were on the roof laying tile, when a sudden win gust came and knocked down their ladder. “I have an idea” said Larry. “We’ll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.” What, do you thing, I’m stupid? “I have and idea” said Joe. “I’ll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.” What, do you think I’m stupid? “You’ll just turn off the flashlight when I’m halfway there.”
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 21st 2014 3:34 pm
A woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?” She replied: “a can of peaches.” The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 5. The judge then said, “I will give you 5 days in jail.”

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, “What is it?”

The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 21st 2014 9:15 pm
CLASSIC !!!

Your the best Bob ....

Where you find these I dont know, but dont stop posting them.....
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 22nd 2014 2:56 pm
There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.

You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!

Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?

I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 24th 2014 6:59 pm
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.
Posted By: frscke1 Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 25th 2014 1:36 am
OUT STANDING !!!! sounds like something I did when I was 16 & the block bully nailed me for a week str. Well I went home & got Dads breaker bar & clocked him up the side of his head ...... out cold. Never bother me again.
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 25th 2014 5:15 pm
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an "F" in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6.'"
"But that's right!" The father replied.
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What the heck's the stupid difference?" asked the father.
"That's what I said!"

Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 26th 2014 4:26 pm
SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:

Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none.

DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation's or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

-- Management
Posted By: HighwayStar Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 26th 2014 10:15 pm
....... lol
Posted By: DrBob Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread - October 27th 2014 3:57 pm
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.

In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out

with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."