wanted to put this on it .

what do you call a hillbilly mansion?
a two story double wide Lol.

The off topic threads only last 30 days without fresh input. Sorry to see the joke thread no more. Shoulda been a sticky.

Thx DrBob, for keeping it lively, for so long.

People complained as usual

what "PEOPLE" ?

Not going there

yep...after 30 days of no activity...gone.


Classifieds and Test sections are the same way.

30 Days in the hole

Can it be started again?

_______

Someone told UncleBob some of his jokes were a little to X-rated and he said he wasn't going to post them anymore...I agreed some of them were to far out there but I wish he was still posting cleaner ones....was fun to read and sometimes join in...

Sure, just start one. There is no way to get the old one back as they are automatically deleted by the system after 30 days of inactivity.

why doesnt someone rename this one and we use it ?
id be happy to take all the credit lol

Teacher: "Little Johnny, give me a sentence using the word, 'geometry.'"

Little Johnny: "A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said, 'Gee, I'm a tree.'"

Frscke1:Jonny how old are you?
Jonny: 12
Frscke1: Did that joke offend you?
Jonny: NO
Frscke1: Jonny would you like to read some more Vanner jokes?
Jonny: You bet
Frscke1: Jonny are you going to call the cops?
Jonny No way Vanners are cool

I used that joke thread as a Library.

Sorry to see it go.

One of them went like this:

Two dimwitted brothers were putting the siding on a house.
One takes a smoke break watching the other one work.

The other brother is pulling one nail from his tool belt and driving it home, pulling out another one looking at it, and tossing it over his shoulder, another into the siding, another over his shoulder.

The one brother, perplexed at his brother's odd and wasteful behavior struts up to this obvious dimwit and asks why he is throwing half the nails over his shoulder.

"The pointy sides were on the wrong end!"

"You Idiot!!!!!!"
" Those are for the other side of the house!!!!!"

Did ya hear the one 'bout the horse that walks into the bar sits down and orders a beer?

Bartenders says Why the long face..........

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. The agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "Some idiot loaded this gun with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair."

At a Rehab meeting

Do you have a drinking problem?

No I Pretty much have it figured out.

What is your favorite beer?

An open one.

How do you know you've had enough?

I run out.

AA is for quitters.

. ....That's the DrBob I remember.....

thats funny!!!

Go Bob Go....Yeah back to our daily humor

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't move.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied... "The balcony."

While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him. “Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!”
“Dear God! Did your try to stop him?” “No,” said the clerk, “but don’t worry. I got the license plate number!”

Perfect Man, Perfect Woman

There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.

One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw Santa Claus at the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up, because they didn't want to make their perfect children (who were at home with their perfect babysitter) mad because it was close to Chritmas.

Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with Santa Claus, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and 1 lived.

Who died and who lived?

The perfect man because the perfect woman and Santa Claus aren't real.

I dont get it lol

Horses tend to have long faces David......

Thats funny that you explained it to him....lol

______________

A man solves the problem of too many visiting relatives. He borrowed money from the rich ones and loaned it to the poor ones. Now none of them come back.

Isnt that the truth....works every time

The same horse came back to the bar a week later looking upset and with a set of jump leads around his neck.

Barman says
"I don't mind the long face but just don't start anything"

Then a bear comes in and says to the barman "Hey can I get a ...........................................
..........................................
..........................................
...beer please.

Barman says,
"Sure but why the large pause"

_____lmao....

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.”

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

A man went into a dentist and said "how much will it cost to have teeth taken out" "$90" said the dentist "that’s ridiculous" said the man.” I could lose the anesthetic and it would cost $60" "that’s still to expensive,” said the man "if I don't use any anesthesia I could knock the price down to $20". Still to much" said the man.” Well one of my students can do it for $10" said the dentist "perfect" said the man "book my wife for next Tuesday".

A penguin is on holidays driving around Italy on a Vespa scooter.
He starts to notice a dangerous wobble from the front of the vespa so leaves it into a small town mechanic for repairs. While it's being repaired he wanders around the town and finds an ice cream shop. He buys a big ice cream and greedily tucks in while walking back to the workshop. The mechanic spots him and calls him in to the workshop where he has the forks of the vespa stripped down and laid out on the bench. He says "I think you have a blown a seal".

The penguin quickly wipes his face clean and says "No, No It's only ice cream"

A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said "it is quite cold out here can I come in?" the man shouted "NO why don’t you all understand I want to be alone!" and he kicked the snail down the mountain. One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, "What did you do that for?"

Sure did miss you Dr. Bob

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

A traveling salesman is driving through some farmland and while driving accidentally runs over a rabbit. He pulls over to investigate and then goes to the trunk of his car. Meantime a farmer is watching this whole thing unfold by his fence. The salesman opens his trunk and pulls out an aerosol can. He walks over to the dead rabbit, shakes the can, and sprays the entire contents onto the rabbit. He tosses the empty can on the side of the road, jumps in his car and drives off. About a minute later the rabbit jumps up and begins to walk away waving his paws every few steps. The farmer completely amazed by what he'd seen jumps the fence and picks the can up and reads it. He reads to himself, "Huh...hair restorer with wave".

______

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for

Gramma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

It's always "little Johnny".

Lil Johnny ROCKS!

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy: 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "by the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

( It's nice to see a blonde winning .)

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags ripped, and every once in a while
a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk... Noticing this, a policeman
stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of your
bag.” “Oh, really? Darn!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back,
and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.” “Well, now, not so
fast,” said the cop. “How did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it,
did you?” “Oh, no”, said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is
right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of
fans come and pee through the holes in the fence into my flower garden and
that kills my flowers. So, I’ve taken to standing behind the fence with my
hedge clippers, and each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence
I put the clippers around it and tell him ‘That will be ‘$20 or off it
comes!’” “Well, that seems only fair” laughed the cop. “OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?” “Well, you know, not everybody
pays”.

A man looking for love sent his picture to the Lonely Hearts Club.

The reply came back, “We are not that lonely.”

Types of SEX

7 kinds of sex

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.

This kind of sex happens when you first meet
Someone and you both have sex until you are
Blue in the face.


The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner
For a short time and you are so needy you will
Have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.


The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner
For a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and
You usually have sex only in your bedroom.


The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex

This is when you have been with your partner
For too long. When you pass each other in the
Hallway you both say "screw you."


The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.

Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun
In the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular)


The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.

This is when you cannot stand your wife any
More. She takes you to court and screws you
In front of everyone.


And Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called - Social Security Sex.

You get a little each month.
But not enough to enjoy your self.

While driving down the interstate one day the doors on the back of a van go flying open and a drunk goes rolling across the highway. As the cars and trucks come skidding to a halt the people go rushing over and are screaming and crying "OMG is everything Ok ?"

The drunk calmly stands up, brushes off his pants, puts his sunglasses back on, straightens his hat and with a puzzled looks says "I don't know...I just got here"

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing', so what are you going to do?"

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."

Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.

"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.

So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"

Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."

Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.

________

Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”

“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”

“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”

How I Learned To Mind My Own Business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting...13....13....13.
The fence was too high to see over but there was a little gap in the planks so I peeked thru to see what was going on.
That's when somebody poked me in the eye and they all started
shouting....14....14...14.

_____

A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his 1 to 10 well

"Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10"

"Good. What comes after three?”

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten?"

"A jack"

Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?”
“Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?
“I did!” sobbed Johnny.

Read more: http://www.ajokeaday.com/clasificacion.asp?ID=46#ixzz2O0nX3eRa

REFRIGERATOR GOALS!

When I returned home from college for a break.
I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator.

It listed some goals my dad had set for himself:
Help wife more, lose weight, be more productive at work.

I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."

A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."

Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."

A man who's wife was pregnant couldn't bear to be in the delivery room at the time of the birth.

So he thought he'd ring up later to see if it had come yet.

He rang up and the nurse said "it's a girl but theres another one on the way"

he rang again later and the nurse said "it's another girl but there's another coming"

he rang once more and the nurse said " it's a boy but there's another coming"

He couldn't stand it any more so he went to the pub and got drunk.

An hour later he was really nervous. He was dialling the hospital, hands shaking, and accidently dialled the sports line. he asked " how many did we get mate" the person said "198 all out.... and the last one was a duck"

I was in downtown Atlanta the other day when I saw a car with a bumper sticker that said "I miss New York".
So I busted his window, stole the radio, shot out a couple of tires and left a note saying "I hope this helps"!

I did that when I was a kid....RATFLMAO

But I forgot the soap....

Married couples, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one a wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof -- the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me." So the fairy picked up her wand and poof -- the husband was 90.

Those same two older married couples were having dinner together one night. After eating, Sam and Ted went into the den while the ladies chatted and cleaned up the dishes.
Ted remarked that it was a fine home cooked meal. Sam mentioned they had recently discovered a new home style restaurant in town that was also very good and he highly recommended it.
“What’s the name of it?” asked Ted.
Sam thought and thought and scratched his head and finally said, “Say, what’s the name of that flower?” “You know the one that’s red and we always buy it for our wives on special occasions.”
“You mean a rose?” said Ted.
“Yeah, yeah that’s it” said Sam. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled “Hey Rose, what’s the name of that place we ate at last week?”

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him.

Joe’s wife asked him to run out to the store for a loaf of bread. On the way to the store there’s this little bar that Joe likes so he decided to drop in for a quick beer. As he was sipping his beer a gorgeous young redhead in a mini skirt walked in and sat down at the bar. Joe smiled and she smiled back so he sent her a drink over. They began to chat and Joe ordered more drinks and a few more drinks until the next thing he knew he was waking up in her bed and its three AM in the morning!
“Holy Crap!” shouts Joe. He leaps outta bed and throws on his clothes.
“My wife’s gonna kill me!!” he yells as he heads for the door.
Thinking quickly he returns to the bedroom and asks the redhead if she has any talcum powder. He takes the powder and dumps some on his hands, rubs a little on his face and wipes the rest on his pants as he runs out the door.
He gets out of his van at home and his wife is waiting in the doorway with the rolling pin. “OK BUSTER, JUST WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN ALL NIGHT?”
“Well Honey I stopped at the bar for a drink and met this great looking redhead.” Joe explained. “We had a few drinks, one thing led to another, then we ended up at her place having wild sex and I fell asleep.”
His wife slowly looked him up and down there under the porch light and said “YOU LYING ASS!” “YOU’VE BEEN SHOOTING POOL HAVEN’T YOU?”

Good one

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death
experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, an ambulance killed her. Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?" God replied, "Girl, I didn't recognize you”

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that day.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch ?"

Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What?
At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.


Mom laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

End of Story

P.S. Robot For Sale

A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor, and other equipment, all the animals,the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash."

The granddaughter, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh granny, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"

With her last breath, Granny whispered...


"Facebook..."

Good one

Little Johnny was not paying attention in class so the math teacher called on him and said, “Johnny! What are 5, 2, 28 and 40?” Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, CBS, HBO, and Cartoon Network!”

A man lying on his deathbed called to him, his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor. "I am going to die tonight," and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you can take it all with you. So to my three most trusted friends, you three of course, I am leaving 50,000 dollars in these envelopes. When I die you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me." The man handed the three men identical envelopes.

A day later they each received news that, that night the old man had died . So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfill his death wish.

Standing over the coffin one week later the pastor confessed, " I can't hide what I've done. I took 10,000 dollars from the envelope because the church needed to be painted."

Then as he did so the doctor also started to fidget then finally confessed “I took 30,000 dollars from my envelope because the hospital needed a new wing."

Ten the lawyer said plainly “You bunch of crooks! I wrote him a check for the full amount!"

stole this one from Facebook .


Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!

Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."

Gotta love Lil Johnny

I've got a bunch of little Johnny jokes.

The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in well last week."

"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"

"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium (Ad).

The new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.

However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it came into contact.

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, viceneutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion

leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass".

“Doc!” the man yells. I’ve lost my memory!”

“Calm down, sir. When did this happen.”

The man looked at him. “When did what happen?”

From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad."

Remember When?
little house with three bedrooms,
one bathroom and one car on the street.
A mower that you had to push
to make the grass look neat.

In the kitchen on the wall
we only had one phone,
And no need for recording things,
someone was always home.

We only had a living room
where we would congregate,
unless it was at mealtime
in the kitchen where we ate.

We had no need for family rooms
or extra rooms to dine.
When meeting as a family
those two rooms would work out fine.

We only had one TV set
and channels maybe two,
But always there was one of them
with something worth the view.

For snacks we had potato chips
that tasted like a chip.
And if you wanted flavor
there was Lipton's onion dip.

Store-bought snacks were rare because
my mother liked to cook
and nothing can compare to snacks
in Betty Crocker's book.

Weekends were for family trips
or staying home to play.
We all did things together --
even go to church to pray.

When we did our weekend trips
depending on the weather,
no one stayed at home because
we liked to be together.

Sometimes we would separate
to do things on our own,
but we knew where the others were
without our own cell phone.

Then there were the movies
with your favorite movie star,
and nothing can compare
to watching movies in your car.

Then there were the picnics
at the peak of summer season,
pack a lunch and find some trees
and never need a reason.

Get a baseball game together
with all the friends you know,
have real action playing ball --
and no game video.

Remember when the doctor
used to be the family friend,
and didn't need insurance
or a lawyer to defend?

The way that he took care of you
or what he had to do,
because he took an oath and strived
to do the best for you.

Remember going to the store
and shopping casually,
and when you went to pay for it
you used your own money?

Nothing that you had to swipe
or punch in some amount,
and remember when the cashier person
had to really count?

The milkman used to go
from door to door,
And it was just a few cents more
than going to the store.

There was a time when mailed letters
came right to your door,
without a lot of junk mail ads
sent out by every store.

The mailman knew each house by name
and knew where it was sent;
there were not loads of mail addressed
to "present occupant."

There was a time when just one glance
was all that it would take,
and you would know the kind of car,
the model and the make.

They didn't look like turtles
trying to squeeze out every mile;
they were streamlined, white walls, fins
and really had some style.

One time the music that you played
whenever you would jive,
was from a vinyl, big-holed record
called a forty-five.

The record player had a post
to keep them all in line
and then the records would drop down
and play one at a time.

Oh sure, we had our problems then,
just like we do today
and always we were striving,
trying for a better way.
Oh, the simple life we lived
still seems like so much fun,
how can you explain a game,
just kick the can and run?

And why would boys put baseball cards
between bicycle spokes
and for a nickel, red machines
had little bottled Cokes?

This life seemed so much easier
and slower in some ways.
I love the new technology
but I sure do miss those days.

So time moves on and so do we
and nothing stays the same,
but I sure love to reminisce
and walk down memory lane.
With all today's technology
we grant that it's a plus!
But it's fun to look way back and say,
Hey Look, guys, THAT WAS US!

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.


The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"


Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.


"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.


The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"


"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'd thuffocate!"

“Doctor, you told me I have a month to live and then you sent me a bill for

$1,000! I can’t pay that before the end of the month!”

“Okay, you have six months to live.”

A man is being interviewed for a job. “What are your qualifications for the job of night watchman?” “The slightest noise wakes me up.”

Irish Luck

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."**with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"** **She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb.....
But all men...Are men!

**Global Facts About Sex** **At any given moment:
**FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
**FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
**FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
**FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.
**You hang in there, sunshine** **.***

A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.



The doctor says, "I know that you are not married!




Do you know who the father of this baby is?"




The girl thought and then asked, "Doc, if you ate a can of 'Baked Beans', would you know exactly which bean made you fart?"

Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So
when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest
voice, "What's the trouble?"

"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a
card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home.
I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a
thing!"

After apologizing, I got her parcel.

"Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!"

"What is it?" I asked.

"My husband's new hearing aid."

A man is walking behind his wife and says,
"Baby, your arse is getting so fat, it's looking like a washing machine."
The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking.
Bedtime comes around, the man is asking for sex.
The woman says;
"I'm not starting the washing machine for such a small load.
You'll have to hand wash it!"

Description: Description: cid:1.1339546221@web132102.mail.ird.yahoo.com

An 80-year old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor was amazed at the great shape the old fellow was in and asked.

How do you stay in such great physical condition?

I am Scots and I'm a golfer.' Said the old fellow. And that's why I'm in such good shape.

I am up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.

I have a wee nip of whisky on each hole, and that's it.

Well, said the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there has to be more to it.

How old was your dad when he died?

Who said my dad died?'

The doctor was amazed.

You mean you are 80 years old and your dad's still alive. How old is he?

He's a 100 years old. Said the old Scottish golfer. In fact he golfed Wi' me this mornin',

and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and another wee dram, and that's why he's still alive.

He's a Scot and a golfer too.

Well, the doctor said. That's great, but I am sure there's more to it than that. How about your dad's dad?

How old was he when he died?

Who said my grandad is dead?

Stunned, the doctor asked. You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living!

Incredible, how old is he?

He turned 118 last month. Replied the old Scot.

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point:

So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?

No. Grandad could nae go this mornin' because he's getting married today.

At this point the doctor was close to losing it.

Getting married?! Why would a 118-year old bloke want to get married?

Who said he wanted to?

This is a must read for all Texans, Used-to-be Texans, Adopted Texans or Wannabe Texans:

JUST TEXAS
Comfort, Texas
Friendship, Texas
Paradise, Texas
Pep, Texas
Rainbow, Texas
Smiley, Texas
Sweet Home, Texas

Love the Sun?
Sun City, Texas
Sundown, Texas
Sunray, Texas
Sunrise, Texas
Sunset, Texas
Sunny Side, Texas

Want something to eat?
Bacon, Texas
Noodle, Texas
Oatmeal, Texas
Orange, Texas
Pearland, Texas
Rice, Texas
Salty, Texas
Sugarland, Texas
Sweetwater, Texas
Trout, Texas
And top it off with
Turkey, Texas

Why travel to other cities? Texas has them all!
Boston, Texas
Cleveland, Texas
Colorado City, Texas
Columbus, Texas
Denver City, Texas
Detroit, Texas
Klondike, Texas
Memphis, Texas
Miami, Texas
Nevada, Texas
Pasadena, Texas
Reno, Texas
Santa Fe, Texas
Tennessee Colony, Texas

Feel like traveling outside the country?
Athens, Texas
Canadian, Texas
China, Texas
Dublin, Texas

Egypt, Texas
Ireland, Texas
Italy, Texas
London, Texas
New London, Texas
Paris, Texas
Palestine, Texas
Turkey, Texas

No need to travel to Washington D.C.
Whitehouse, Texas

We even have a city named after our planet!
Earth, Texas

We even have a city named after our state
Texas City, Texas

Exhausted?
Energy, Texas

Cold?
Blanket, Texas
Winters, Texas

Like to read about History?
Alamo, Texas
Goliad, Texas
Gun Barrel City, Texas
Robert Lee, Texas
Santa Anna, Texas

Need Office Supplies?
Staples, Texas

Want to go into outer space?
Mars, Texas
Venus, Texas

You guessed it, it's on the state line
Texline, Texas

For the kids
Elmo, Texas
Kermit, Texas
Nemo, Texas
Sylvester, Texas
Tarzan, Texas
Winnie, Texas


Other city names in Texas, to make you smile
Best, Texas
Veribest, Texas
Bigfoot, Texas
Cactus, Texas
Dime Box, Texas
Old Dime Box, Texas
Frognot, Texas
Hogeye, Texas
Kickapoo, Texas
Notrees, Texas
Telephone, Texas
Telegraph, Texas
Twitty, Texas
Whiteface, Texas

And last but not least, the Anti Al Gore City
Kilgore, Texas

And our favorites
Cut n Shoot, Texas
Ding Dong, Texas
Gun Barrell City, Texas
Hoop And Holler, Texas
and, of course,
Muleshoe, Texas

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas

If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there,
you may live in Texas

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
you may live in Texas

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number,
you may live in Texas

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend,
you may live in Texas

If you measure distance in hours,
you may live in Texas

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once,
you may live in Texas

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked,
you may live in Texas

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them,
you may live in Texas

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph, and you're going 80, and everybody's passing you,
you may live in Texas

If you find 60 degrees 'a little chilly,'
you may live in Texas

If you actually understand these jokes, and share them with all your Texas friends,
you definitely live in Texas

Here are some little known, very interesting facts about Texas
Beaumont to El Paso - 742 miles
Beaumont to Chicago - 770 miles
El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas

World's first rodeo was in Pecos, July 4, 1883

The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water.
(Destroyed by Hurricane Ike -2008! )

The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full time coach at Rice University in Houston

Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America

Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America 's only remaining flock of whooping cranes

Jalapeno jelly originated in the town of Lake Jackson in 1978

The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900, caused by a hurricane,
in which over 8,000 lives were lost on Galveston Island

The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was "Houston ,"
but the space center was actually in Clear Lake City at the time

The King Ranch in South Texas is larger than the state of Rhode Island

Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall record of 43” in 24 hours
in and around Alvin, Texas in July of 1979

Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by treaty (known as the Constitution of 1845 by the Republic of Texas to enter the Union) instead of by annexation.
This allows the Texas Flag to fly at the same height as the U.S. Flag

A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old

Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state

Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period in Dr Pepper

Texas has had six capital cities:
Washington on the Brazos
Harrisburg
Galveston
Velasco
West Columbia
and
Austin

The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. that is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington, D.C. (by 7 feet)

The San Jacinto Monument is the tallest free standing monument in the world and it is taller than the Washington monument

The name 'Texas ' comes from the Hasini Indian word 'tejas' meaning friends.
Tejas is not Spanish for Texas

The State Mascot is the Armadillo (An interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies. They have one egg, which splits into four, and they either have four males or four females)

The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston

Cowboy's Ten Commandments
Posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas:
(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No telling tales or gossipin.'
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin.'
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.

Y'all git all that?

VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

Elderly Jokes :: #547
By Simple Sentiments from USA.

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said,

"I think he said: 'Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"

"No!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"

Again the answer was "No!"

"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee...

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal - and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law - If you impatiently change lines, when standing, or traffic lanes, while driving, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you moved to.... (works every time)

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

10. Law of Bio-Mechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater &Hockey Arena - At any given event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the restroom and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated with the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!!

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy As soon as you find a product that you really like—they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But, don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

True

A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?"

The trainer replied; “Use the ATM outside the gym!!!"

OH Bob, you can do better than that....

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life." The child thought about this for a moment. "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Subject: The Sensuous Wife



"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.


"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.

"Uh, no," he said.

She gave him another sexy little smile,seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," he said, now really intrigued…




"Well, go look in the garage...

Bathtub Test

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Long-Term Care Home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person ~ to empty the bathtub."




"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."





"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Now thats the BOB I know....More Bobby more....

THE LUSH!

The young married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant
when the wife looks over at a nearby table
and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks,
"I notice you've been watching that man for some time now.
Do you know him?"

"Yes", she replies, "he's my ex-husband,
and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable", the husband replies,
"I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

PILOT'S HELL!

Mac died at the controls of his plane and went to pilots' hell,
where he found a hideous devil and three doors.

The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms."

"I'll be right back, don't go away", said the devil, and he vanished.

Sneaking over to the first door, Mac peeked in and saw a cockpit
where the pilot was condemned to forever run through pre-flight checks.

He slammed that door and peeked into the second.
There, alarms rang and red lights flashed
while a pilot had to avoid one emergency after another.

Unable to imagine a worse fate, Mac cautiously opened the third door.

He was amazed to see many beautiful, scantily clad flight attendants
answering to a captain's every whim.

He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared.

"Okay, Mac" said the devil, "Which door will it be, number 1 or number 2?"

"Um, I want door number 3" answered Mac.

"Sorry" said the devil.
"You can't have door number 3.
That's flight attendants' hell."

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?' She asked.

'Hunting Flies' He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.


Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'


v

v

v


He responded,


'3 were on a beer can...,


2 were on the phone.'

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving."

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore.

"The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying,

'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for water?"

Little Johnny replies, "HIJKLMNO"!!

The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?"

Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"

Gender Slam :: #14990
By AV BOSS from MIDRAND GAUTENG South Africa

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

OK, Bob....so ya like them little Johnny jokes?

Well, one day little Johnny was in 3rd grade English class, when the teacher (who knew little Johnny's reputation pretty well)asked the students to think of a new word that they'd recently heard and use it correctly in a sentence. All went well until it came to Johnny's turn. When the teacher asked him what word he'd like to use, he smiled and said" "Urinate"

"Oh My God!" the teacher thought now, "What's he going to come up with this time? Oh, well, at least he didn't say "piss"

"OK, Johnny use it in a sentence."

Johnny smiled a wicked grin and said: "My Father says "Urinate!!"
"But if ya had TITS, ya'd be a TEN!!"

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a United States congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

the truth !

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a

“Living Will”

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine

and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."



His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

LITTLE JOHNNY AND FATHER JOSEPH
Little Johnny was on his way back home from the store with a
loaf of bread in one hand, and his other hand in his pants
pocket.

Off in the distance, Father Joseph sees little
Johnny and realizes this is the perfect opportunity to go preach the gospel of the Holy Bible to the young boy.

Father Joseph approaches little Johnny and says, "I see that you have the "Staff of Life" in one hand."

"Yep," replies little Johnny. "And I have a loaf of bread in
the other!"

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.

When a woman got married she put a shoebox in the closet and told her husband not to open it. After over 50 years of marriage she was dying and told him to open the box. When he opened it there were 2 doilies and $85,000.00 He ask why this was in the box. She replied “when I got married my mother told me to crochet a doily every time I got mad at you. He smile thinking she was only mad twice and ask what the $85,000.00 was. She replied that's the money from selling the doilies.

thats funny

Little Johnny's teacher says, "Class, today we are going to learn multi-syllable words. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, "Me, Miss Finch!"

Miss Finch turns towards the eager young lad, "All right, Little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable
word?"

Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate".

Miss Finch smiles and says, "Well, little Johnny, that sure is a mouthful!".

Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Finch, you're thinking of a blowjob".

A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles."

She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere. " The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

Thats great.....

What makes chicks and rocks similar? The flat ones get skipped.

Q. Why did Mrs. Smokey the Bear divorce Smokey the Bear?

A. Because every time she got hot, he'd beat her with a shovel!

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on it's own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the blasted thing.

It use to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.


Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its head'
And watch me tie my shoes.

Bob thats not fair I was reading & drinking coffee...now my lap top is covered in coffee !

Thanks buddy....lol

DVC FOR LIFE (CLUB IS NOT ACCEPTING NEW MEMBERS) ONLY WOLVES ALLOWED
free your mind and think for yourself
American bred

Looks like I have a "stalker" that stalks my every post.
and this time its a fat bloated ol man
scary stuff

Just putting you in the right thread there Donny

MY FIRST CONDOM

I recall my first time with a condom. I was just 17, and I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Erlichs Drugstore. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt
the young lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.
She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, not really."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
Apparently I still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was. "Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. "Well, come on." she said. "We don’t have much time."
So I climbed onto her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" she asked. I said, "Sure did, and held up my thumb to show her."
That's when she beat the living shit out of me.
Women have always been hard for me to figure ou

Mo attends to a revival and listens to the sermon. After a while, the pastor asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Mo gets in line and, when it’s his turn the pastor asks, “Mo, what do you want me to pray about?” Mo says, “Pastor, I need you to pray for my hearing.” So the pastor puts one finger in Mo’s ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays for a while. He removes his hands and says, “Mo how’s your hearing now?” Mo says, “I don’t know pastor, it’s not until next Monday.

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. “Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.” “Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

Why, Why, Why...

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

A senior couple pulls up to a gas station:

Attendant: How may I help you?

Old Man: Please fill it up.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.

Attendant: So, where are you heading?

Old Man: To Chicago to see our Grandchildren.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to see the Grand kids.

Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive.

Old Man: Yes, it's been quite pleasant.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He said its good weather.

Attendant: Where are you coming from?

Old Man: We started our trip from Pittsburgh.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He asked where we're from and I said Pittsburgh.

Attendant: I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She talked a lot and was lousy in bed.

Old lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He says he knows you!

A brilliant magician was performing on an ocean liner. But every time he did a trick, a talking cat in the audience would scream, "It's a trick. It's not magic. You're a big phony!"

Then one night during a storm, the ship sank while the magician was performing. And who should end up in the same lifeboat together, all alone, but the talking cat and the magician! For three days, they glared at each other, neither one saying a word to the other. Finally the cat sighed and said, "All right, smart-aleck. You and your darn tricks. What did you do with the ship?"

My friend and I go for a cruise in my van. After a couple of hours we stop at a back roads bar. After we order a couple of beers we notice an orangutan sittin alone drinking a beer at the end of the bar. My friend decides to ask the bartender, "What's up with the orangutan?" The bartender says, "I'll show you what's up!" He grabs this rubber bat from behind the bar walks around the bar and whacks the orangutan across the top of the head. The orangutan shakes it off and slides off the bar stool, unzips the bartenders pants and proceeds to give the bartender a hummer. After a few minutes, still in shock from what I just saw, the bartender turns to my friend and says, "Do you want to try it? "And to my amazement my friend says, "Hell yeah, just don't hit me so hard with the Bat!"

This letter was sent to the School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

Dear Lions Bay School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to go screw herself.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,

Edna

Good one

------------

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against .... get this .... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued ... and won!! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the j udge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms

For REAL ?

A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said,” I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided, “I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking." They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, sir," the driver replies. "I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks. "Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight." "Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?" "That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. " You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the patch."

One day a hot MILF is at the checkstand paying for her groceries. She notices the young strapping courtesy clerk bagging her groceries. After she analyzes every inch of his body with lustful desire she inquires, "Young man could you help me out with my groceries?" The tan young man replies with enthusiasm, "Why yes maam, I would be happy to help you out!" On the way out to her car she leans in close to the young man's ear and whispers, "I got an itch'y pussy" To which the bewildered boy answers, "Maam, I'll tell ya,
"I can't tell one Japanese Import from another!!!!"

Dolphins are so intelligent that within a few weeks of captivity they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish three times a day.

Two guys are sitting at a bar. One guy says to the other, "Do you know that lions have sex 10 or 15 times a night?". The other guy says, "Damn, I just joined the Rotary Club."

..........

One guy to another, “Last week I took the first step towards getting divorced.”

“Did you see a lawyer?”

“No, I got married.”

For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

5. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

Frank was madly in love with Susan, but couldn’t get up enough courage to pop the question face to face. Finally he decided to ask her on the telephone. “Darling! He blurted out, “Will you marry me?”

“Of course, I will, you silly boy,” she replied, “Who’s speaking?”

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, saying, "Johnny, this is where you came from."

Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting that all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."

"Why?" one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd".

A preacher was walking down the street when he notices a little boy trying to ring the doorbell but it's just out of his reach. he watches his efforts for some time and walks over to press the the bell. After he pressed it he leveled down to the boy and asked' "Now what?" to which the boy turned and shouted, "NOW WE RUN!!"

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination.One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry, too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive, I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him.

"At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died." The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell, but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding' in this cedar chest....."

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!

----------

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells.

The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.

The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.

He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"

The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

How true this is....Cal trans workers 1 works and 3 others watch...

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It ain't my finger either".

An elderly couple is beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to. So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong with, just typical memory loss associated with old age. He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things. The couple goes home and that evening while watching T.V. the man gets up and heads for the kitchen. His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns. He says he will, and she says he should write it down. "I’m just going to the kitchen, I'll remember." "Well, I want that with nuts, too." "O.K. he says ice cream with nuts." She asks again if he's going to write it down. "No, I'm just going to the kitchen." "And a Cherry on the top?" He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again a bout writing it down. Now the old man is angry, "Look, old lady I'm not senile, I can remember ice cream with nuts and a cherry on top." He goes in the kitchen for 10 minutes and when he returns he sets a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his wife. She looks up and says, "Honey, you forgot my toast."

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer

interested?

PUPILS: A teacher.

This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died. At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head "yes". The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no”. Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men. Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why. The farmer replied,” Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked,’ That mule for sale?'

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where?"

Over priced Crap tools ... look at the gen at the bottom, some funny sh*t there...

http://www.kmstools.com/pages/competitor-79

I love it. I think I have a few of those gauges lying around at work.

Little Johnny went to his first school dance. He didn't know if he would ever get up the nerve to ask a girl out to dance.

As the night went on everybody was dancing except Little Johnny. He just sat in the corner looking at everyone having fun.

Finally as the last song started to play Little Johnny spotted two very cute girls across the room sitting at their table. He walked over and asked one if she would like to dance.

She looked him up and down and said "I am sorry but I am very particular with whom I dance with."

Little Johnny being the smart boy that he is, replied, "You can damned will see that I am not."

Male Translations for Women


These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated: "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

Amish Woman



An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home." True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would put a new one on immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brak

____

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.

In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.

Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"

The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you God, for the food I'm about to receive..."

Oh yeah....good one Bob

Winter Blondes

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.

She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up, and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in PENNSYLVANIA and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

Government Pipe Specifications

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.

6. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.

7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words "very long pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a very long pipe.

8. All pipe over 6" (152 mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.

9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.

10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.

Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other "professor," and generally causing quite a stir. When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months! "TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!"

"Oh yeah?" says one drunk. "The box said 2-4 YEARS!"

Where do you find these !!!!

Where?

There's a site for everything Wiz...

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing."

Out of the mouth of babes....

There were 3 friends stranded in an island. Exploring the island, the 3 men found a bottle so they opened it. A genie came out, and she said that she would grant them 3 wishes. The first man said, "I wish I was with my family" then poof he was with his family. The second guy said "I wish I was in a bar with my friends" then poof he was gone. The third guy was feeling bad and the genie asked, "What's wrong?" The man said, I'm lonely I wish my friends were here. Poof, his two friends were back in the island.

Little Lucy was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Lucy, who created the universe?" When Lucy didn't stir, Little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty! " shouted Lucy and the teacher said, "Very good," and Lucy fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Lucy, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Lucy didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Lucy and the teacher said, "Very good," and Lucy fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Lucy a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? And again, Johnny Jabbed her with the pin. This time Lucy jumped up and shouted,

"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?

A: Look for sesame seed buns.

Perplexed White House staffers see Bill Clinton walk into the Oval Office with a pair of woman's panties pinned to his sleeve.

As the day wears on, several VIPs go in and out of the Oval Office, each one leaving with a puzzled expression.

Finally, Betty Currie, Clinton's loyal secretary, walks into the office and gently closes the door behind her. "Mr. President," she says. "We're all quite concerned that you seem to be wearing a woman's pair of panties on your arm."

"Oh no," the President grins, "it's the patch. I'm trying to quit."

Thats funnny....The patch on his arm, Cigars in his top pocket & Monica in the waiting room ....lol

An Old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg. “I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.” “That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.” “How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor. “Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”

That is a good one, my knees tel me the same thing.

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the
yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is a couple sex? The grandfather
was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if
she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough
to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all
about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go
along with it.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her
mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on
her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question,
honey?

The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will
be ready in just a couple sec

Ooops

Q: What do have when there are two small green balls in your hand?

A: Kermit The Frogs complete attention.

Who Is Jack Schitt?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?


We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'


Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.


Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.


Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and
owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.


In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious
couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt,
Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.


Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout.


After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe
Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living
with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known
as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.


Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son
with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.


Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony.



The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials.


The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.


Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.


He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.


Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.


Sincerely,


Crock O. Schitt

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes .

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

Now that is funny !

Most people do not recognize the long lost third cousin.Stew P.Id Aze Schitt.Just kidding good stuff.

They were watching a TV soap opera, and he became irritated by the way his wife was taking it to heart. “How can you sit there and cry about the made-up troubles of people you’ve never even met?” he demanded.

“The same way you can jump up and scream when some guy you’ve never met scores a touchdown,” she replied.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.

Now you know why they call it a workstation!

An independent voter was exploring the candidates and their parties.

He asked a campaigner of a party, "who represents your candidate?"

The campaigner answered, "Donkey".

The voter asked a campaigner of another party the same question.

The campaigner answered, "Elephant".

The voter then asked his wife, "who should I vote for - Donkey or Elephant?"

The wife suggested, "either one; both are same - animals."

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a group of four men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken..."

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance." God smiled,

"There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there."

A man's wife had been missing for over a week, and the police told him to "prepare for the worst".
The next day he went to the thrift store...
and got all her clothes back.

A man brings his best buddy back home for dinner.

His wife screams at him, "My hair & makeup are not done,
the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in
my pajamas & I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!!!

What the f*** did you bring him around for?"

Cause he's thinking of getting married."

Old Bubba was fishing along the Bayou for catfish one day when he spots a water moccasin slithering across the water with a toad in its mouth. Being a longtime fisherman, he knows the best bait for large catfish are toads. In a flash, Bubba grabs the snake from behind and carefully removes the toad from its mouth and puts the toad in his side bag. Fearing the angry snake would bite him; Bubba grabs his bottle of daddy's moonshine from his pocket and carefully pours 2 drops into the snake's mouth. The snake's eyes glaze over and quickly go limp. Bubba carefully places the snake back in the water.

A few hours later, Bubba is just about to head back home, when he feels something tapping on his leg. He looks down and is amazed to see the same water moccasin with 2 frogs in its mouth.

Bubba

It's a hot summer day and Jake and Harry are in a ditch digging away. Meanwhile, Ralph is up under the shade of a tree sipping on a cool drink. Jake asks Harry, "Why are we down here digging in the hot Sun while Ralph is being cool up there?" Harry says, "I don't know, I'll go ask him". Harry goes up and asks Ralph, "Why are you up here in the shade drinking a cool drink and Jake and I are in the ditch digging in the hot sun?" Ralph says, "'cause I've got smarts". "What's that? Asks Harry. Ralph puts his hand in front of the tree and says, "Hit my hand as hard as you can". Harry swings his fist at Ralph’s hand, Ralph moves his hand and Harry hits the tree, hurting his hand. Ralph, says "I knew to pull my hand away, that’s called having smarts". Harry goes back in the ditch and Jake asks, "What did he say?" Ralph says, "Its cause he has smarts." "What's that? Asks Jake. Har ry puts his hand in front of his face and says. "Hit my hand!"

Farmer picks up an American Indian hitch hiking. The Indian is a man of few words but eventually looks at the brown paper bag in between them and asks, "Mmm, What in bag?" The farmer says, "It's a bottle of wine that I got for my wife". Indian thinks for a second and say, "Mmm, good trade".

tonight on Jay Leno.....

"A mini van crashed thru the front window of a Taco bell, lucky it was a Taco Bell cause everybody is in the bathroom in the back."

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

'Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,'

I informed him.

'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'

'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. !

'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I
had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it :

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, never wore Levis, never set foot on a golf course, never traveled out of the country or had a credit card.

In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck.

Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer.

I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19. It was, of course, black and white, had three channels and the station went off the air at
midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a..m. and there was usually a locally produced
news and farm show on, featuring local people.

I was 21 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.' When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers-- my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a
paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get up at 6AM every morning.

On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly
produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.


If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren.

Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend :

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a
stopper with a bunch of holes in it.. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.

Ignition switches on the dashboard.

Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall (car).

Real ice boxes.

Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.

Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.

Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz :


Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.
Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines on the telephone
8 Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10.Butch wax
11.TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3
channels... [if you were fortunate])
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S & H green stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You' re older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends

All 25, I must be old LOL.

There's a lot to be said about marital bliss...

A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you 're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."

Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

You are getting OLD ....that last joke was a repeat by you !!!

They say the memory is the 1st to go....LOL

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pissed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.

When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.

His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''

''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.

''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.

''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!''

----

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.


George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

A blonde walks into a bank in central New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in central New York City can I park my Rolls for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" - See more at: http://forums.coolridesonline.net/s...E-OF-THE-DAY-thread#sthash.BWkSrPQq.dpuf

Plane Crash

OK there’s a plane that crashes on a deserted island.

The male pilot has only minutes to live, he tells the 3 ladies he has with him on the plane that he saw an island with people on it just a mile away and they can swim to it.

The Brunette Lady says “OK I’m going to try”, she gets in the water and swims out a ¼ mile; she can’t make it and drowns.

The Red Head Lady says “Ok I’m going to try”, she gets in the water and swims out a ½ mile; she can’t make it and drowns.

The Blonde Lady say’s “OK I’m going to try”; she gets in the water and swims out ¾ a mile; she thinks she can’t make it, so she turns around and swims back to the deserted island………………………

Joe calls his boss in the morning to “call in sick”; he’s worked for him for over twenty years and has never called in sick.

The boss says, you can’t call in sick, I really need you today!!! There’s this big job I need you for.

The Boss go’s on to tell Joe here’s what you do, when I’m sick I just roll the wife over and give here a good roll in the hey. With in an hour or so I feel a lot better and I can go to work.

So Joe says AH OK I’ll try it.

Well an hour and a half later Joe shows up to work and the boss go’s over to him and says; well I see you took my advice and you where able to make it into work after all.

Joe answers the boss back; ya I took your advice and I feel a lot better now, and by the way you have a real nice house!!! -

Dan married an identical twin. Less then a year later he was in court filing for a divorce.

"Tell the court why you want a divorce," the Judge said.

"Well, Your Honor," Dan stated, "Every once in a while my sister-in-law would come for a visit.
Because she and my wife are so identical, sometimes I'd end up sleeping with her by mistake."

"Now, surely, there must be some difference between the two women," the Judge said.

"Exactly, Your Honor. That's why I want the divorce !!!”

Five Tips For A Woman



1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn’t lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don’t know each other.

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniorsare so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.


So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Things you can only say at Thanksgiving or Christmas
________________________________________


1: I prefer breasts to legs.

2: Smother the butter all over the breasts.

3: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

4: If I don't undo my trousers I'll burst.

5: I've never seen a better spread.

6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. Just wait your turn you'll get some.

9. Don't play with your meat.

10. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

11. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

12. You still have a little bit on your chin.

13. How long will it take after you put it in?

14. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

15. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

Ok here's a joke for Halloween...


Halloween Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't

10. She's a goblin!

9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.

8. Let me see your bag ... OH! - You're having a great night!

7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.

6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch!

5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.

4. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.

3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth!

2. You scared me stiff!

1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.

Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: 'Are you the owner?'

The pharmacist answers yes.

Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'

Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'

Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '

Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'

Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'

Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'

Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'

Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'

Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'

Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'

Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag the
first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to
his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.


Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"


Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"


Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.


Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos, Texas.


Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer,
take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."


Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer.


Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.


Quickly, Jake starts running back.
As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, get the #$%^ away from my deer!"


Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife.
And again he hears her yell, "Get the #$%^ away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!


Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a
Texas game warden with his hands high in the air.


The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady!
You can have your #$%^ deer, just let me get my saddle off it!"

Windows vs. Ford Motor Co.

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4.... Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5..... Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6...... The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

I love the next one!

7....... The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8........ Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9......... Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10.......... You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine on/off.

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!

The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is
the greatest of the three of them.
•The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
•The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"























Why are you scrolling down?
It's your turn to say something

A football coach of an all Redneck team walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "Four?"

"Four?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

19 People Who Are Having A Way Worse Day Than You

1. Anyone that started their modeling career during a rough storm:



2. Anyone who lost to themselves while arm wrestling:



3. Anyone caught crumpin' way too close to a treadmill:



4. Anyone who had to do a tandem trust fall:



5. Anyone who just discovered they had superpowers at the WORST POSSIBLE MOMENT:




6. Anyone who has a yo-yo with a vendetta:



7. Anyone on this boat:



8. Anyone who got mad at a defenseless old sign:



9. Anyone who was going to jump on this trampoline after this lady:



10. Anyone who doesn't know the layout of this convenience store:


11. Anyone who is best friends with a juggler:



12. Anyone who did the cinnamon challenge:



13. Anyone whose friend invented a toilet paper gun:



14. Anyone who decided to start working out again today:



15. Anyone looking to get lucky with random people on the Internet:



16. Anyone trying to break the sound barrier today:



17. Anyone who is trying to be Captain America:



18. Anyone whose friend wears a flat-brimmed hat:




19. And Lindsay Lohan:

Chili taster named Frank...

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili cook off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome!

Grab a tissue, this is hilarious.

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy COW, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. The Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting WASTED from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. BITTY is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really MAKES ME MAD that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, Sulfuric flames. I POOPED IN MY PANTS when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that WENCH Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my BUTT with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like POOP to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning

"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 mins later: "Computer completely broken now."

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.

The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger..."

"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on, Mister..."

"Sheriff?"

"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."

"And that cures them?"

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table . . . whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball. "
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left .

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it .Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.
The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man .

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt pulled them out, and ate them!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He will still eat anything, but ever since he had to poop that cue ball, he measures everything first. "

Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're

suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.

"And now someone's suin' them fast food restaurants for making 'em

fat and cloggin' their hearts with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?"

"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"

"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin' can I sue Budweiser

for all them ugly women I've slept with?"

Yea Bob's back....relieve the watch....Batter up Bob !

Government Philosophy: If it ain't broke, fix it 'till it is.

Then tax you for it

...........

...

Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)


Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads underwater long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on

at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh! We’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts.

He communicates really well, and I just act like I'm listening."

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc., everytime I drink coffee, I get terrible pains in my eye."

The doctor says, "Try taking the spoon out first."

------

Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.

A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman. "John, what happened?" Tony asks.

"I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to. The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn income taxes!' whenever we have sex."

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

THE CAT:

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.

The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven.

Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased.

We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms.

Running, running, running; we're tired of running.

Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

Week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here.

Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you

had to arrest your own mother?"

He said: "Call for backup."

What Equals 100 Percent?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100 % ? Athletes who claim they're giving 110 %, for example.
What does 100% mean? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Here's a mathematical formula that answers these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%


AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty,
that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

True

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... I must be a God!

True

An old miner had been out mining for a couple of weeks and came into town to get some food, take a bath, and have a drink. He tied up his mule to the hitching rail outside of the saloon.

A young cowboy who had been drinking whiskey all day came out of the saloon and seethe old man. The young drunk cowboy said to the old miner: Hey old man have you ever learned to dance? The old man replied: No aint never felt the need to. The young kid took out his pistols and started shooting the ground at his feet, the crowd of people started laughing as the old man danced in the dirt trying to dodge the bullets. The young drunk put his 6 shooters back in his holsters and turned around to go back in the bar.

At that time the old miner reached over to his mule and pulled out his 12 gauge shotgun. The crowd grew silent as the old man cocked back the hammers and the clicks rang thru the silent desert air. As the young cowboy turned around he was staring down both barrels of a 12 gauge shotgun. The old man ask the kid: Hey boy have you ever kissed a mules Ass? The kid gulped then replied: No but I've always wanted to!

HAHA!

A police man pulls over a drunk driver for not stopping at a stop sign and asks the driver if he saw the stop sign. The driver replies "I did but it turned red too fast for me to stop."

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

NONE, they never get the house!

Social Security

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too’

A very well-known international furniture and interior decoration D.I.Y. Store recently set up a customer assistance department. The first call they got was from a lady who had purchased a wardrobe early in the morning. She explained that after assembly the wardrobe had crumbled three times when the public transport bus passed in front of her house. The store sent a technician over to her place. He reassembled the wardrobe - which was in the night hall on the second floor - and then went into it to observe what would happen when the bus, which was due a few minutes later, went by. The phone rang just then and the lady went downstairs to take the call. Just then her husband came home from work with a terrible flue condition. Hearing his wife on the phone he trudged upstairs where he found the wardrobe; on opening one of the doors and seeing the man inside he exclaimed "Wha t the dickens are you doing in there!?!" To which the guy replied "I know you'll never believe this, but I'm waiting for the bus!!"

I have this big problem, doctor – everyone is calling me crazy just because I love hot dogs …

- That’s stupid, in my opinion – frankly, I adore hot dogs too, but nobody calls me crazy ...

- Really? Great, doctor! Why don’t you come along with me and I’ll show you my collection!

Six Basic Rules For Good Health

1.F***ing once a week is good for your health, every day is even better.

2.F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body.

3.F***ing refreshes you.

4.After F***ing don't eat too much ... Go for more liquids.

5.F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level !!!

SO ... REMEMBER ...

6.**FISHING**is good for your health and soul ...

And may the Good Lord cleanse your Filthy Mind!!!

Awesome frscke1!

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

A teacher in a political science class asked the students, "Who is the most powerful person in the US?"

A student answered, "The First Pet?"

The teacher then asked, "Why?"

The student explained, "Because, the president kneels before him, talks to him, listens to him, follows him, prefers him to office staff, looks after his wellbeing before the voters', cancels/defers official duties in favor of him, and boards Airforce One first."

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."

The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

haha!

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.
The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.
She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.


I love you.


The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I'm on the toilet. Please advise.

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.

Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.''

So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."

''Why?' asked the head nurse.

"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins"

"That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"

The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"

When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!!

How to give a cat a pill.

1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process.

3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.

8. Tie the little angel’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.

9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.

10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.

"Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"

There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar.

Are you from around here?" The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street."

"No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?"

"Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66.

How 'bout you?"

"Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too." "Where'd you go to college?"

"Beloit, in Wisconsin."

"No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?"

"Kevin Sullivan dorm."

"Sullivan? You're not going to believe this . . ."

Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you won't believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same

high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?"

Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing."

A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?" Joe says, "Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again."

A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" "To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"

The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.

The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.

He takes the photo, and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"

haha!

Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.

The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.

Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.

Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"

With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"

Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, "I love you."

The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."

PHONE REPAIR
Lawrence , Kansas, December 12, 2008

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but the dog moaned and the phone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by
pissing and moaning.

Three absent minded writers were busy discussing a writing project on the platform, while waiting for the train. The announcement was made, and the train finally arrived. There was complete panic among eagerly waiting passengers as the train made its way to the platform. Passengers rushed inside the train, and the train left. However, one of the writers was not able to catch the train in the confusion.



A passerby who saw all this came up to the writer and told him not to worry and catch the next available train. The writer replied, “I am not worried for myself, but the real problem is that I was the one who was suppose to catch the train, and the two of them who went on the train, actually came to see me off”.

Two old men were sitting in the yard outside the care home one day when Tim turned to the other and said "John I'm really feeling my age today I just hurt all over, how are you feeling?

John replied "I feel just like a new born babe"

Tim looked at him startled "A New Born babe really?"

"Yep, I have no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

;;;;;;;;

A man goes into a pet shop, wanting to buy a bird. He sees a beautiful bird, the loveliest he's ever seen, and asks how much it is. The shop owner replies 'that bird is $1000'. 'What?!?' cries the man, '$1000 for a bird? What does it do?’ 'Well, I'm glad you asked.' says the shop owner, 'you see, that bird can sing every female role in the ring cycle from memory.' The man thinks, ok but I can't afford the bird. He sees a shorter, but still beautiful, bird and asks how much that one is. 'That bird is $2000' replies the shop owner, and the man asks what this bird can do. 'Well, he can play any Paganini concerto you request on the violin from memory' the man thinks wow, but I really can't afford that bird. He then sees an ancient, hunched, half-dead, ugly, bald bird croaking in the corner of the cage, and, thinking that this bird couldn't cost very much, enquires. 'Oh, that b ird is $20000' he is told by the owner. Flabbergasted, the man asks what this bird does. 'Oh, we haven't found out yet' the owner replies, 'but the other two call him 'Maestro''

Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.

A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"

The wife says, "Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?"

He says, "I don't care! Just be out by the end of the week!"

Three drunks hailed a taxi. The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here. The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him. The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch. So what was that for, he asked. Control your speed next time, you almost killed us.

Awesome bob!!! Haha

..........

A man sat down and was seriously staring at the marriage certificate, after a long time his wife asked, “What are you looking for? He replied, “The expiration date.”

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.
His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.
"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something.
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store...
He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it..
Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets a diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."

BUSTED !!!

The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Er... How much for a season pass?"

A young bride tells her friend, “Paul keeps telling everyone he’s going to marry the most beautiful girl in the world.”

“ What a shame! And after all the time you’ve been engaged!”

Her minister told an eighty-year-old woman that, at her age, she should be giving some thought to what he called “the hereafter.” She said to him, “I think about it many times a day.”

“Oh, really?” said the minister. “That is very wise.”

“It’s not a matter of wisdom,” she replied. “It’s when I open a drawer or a closet, I ask myself, ‘What am I here after?’”

Sex After Surgery

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.



A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight."

Awesome frscke1

An old farmer wrote to his son in prison. "This year I won't b able to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground, I know if you were here you would help me." The son wrote back, "Dad don't think of digging the ground because that's where I buried the guns." Police read the letter and the very next day the whole ground was dug by police looking for guns but nothing was found. The next day the son wrote again, "Now plant your potatoes Dad, it's the best I could do from here.

Doctor: What’s wrong with your bother?

Boy: He thinks he is a chicken.

Doctor: really? How long has this been going on?

Boy: Five years.

Doctor: Five years!

Boy: We would have brought him in earlier, but we needed the eggs.

TALIAN HONEYMOON

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to this friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa DA treep?"

... Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for DA train ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda DA train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia , she pack a biga basket a food.

She brough at DA vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to DA trip, and open upa DA luncha basket .

The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car..'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to DA dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open DA bottle of a nice a vino!

Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.

While a drinkina DA vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga is finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car ..'

"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through DA hallway shouting at a top of his a voice..

'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'

A Californian and an Arizonian were Elk hunting in the Hualapai Mountains when an illegal alien runs across a clearing.

The Arizonian takes careful aim, shoots, and kills him.

"You can't do that!" cried the Californian.

"No, no... Remember this is a Red State, it's legal here in Arizona" replies the Arizonian.

Later that night the Californian goes to Kingman to buy some beer from Wal-Mart. He puts the beer on the roof of his truck and while he's making room behind the seat, an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away.

The Californian thinks "No problem" draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him.

As he is retrieving his beer the police come and arrest him.

"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Arizona!" protests the Californian.

"Well yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait"

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"

"Do you drink a lot?"

"Not really - I spill most of it!"

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
"WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2013 models. I saw one I really liked.
"MAN: "How much?
"WOMAN: "$65,000.
"MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
"WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted lastyear is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.
"WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!
"MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"