Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread | Joined: Feb 2002 Posts: 32,683 Likes: 172 Old Timer | Old Timer Joined: Feb 2002 Posts: 32,683 Likes: 172 |
Jim & Lucy Newkirk 1965 Chevy Bad Influence 1981 Chevy-the Love Shack 2012 Chevy Van , 2020 chevy van 2020 Chevy van Sapphire Sweet. Club Vannerz. vanninvanner@comcast.net | | | Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread | Joined: Nov 2013 Posts: 3,692 Likes: 32 pooh-bah | pooh-bah Joined: Nov 2013 Posts: 3,692 Likes: 32 | Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of the hospital.
When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but the guy
standing next to me was the only male to venture a number.
“Looks like 9 pounds,†he offered confidently.
“This must not be your first,†I said.
“Oh, yes,†he said, “it’s my first.â€
“Then how would you know the weight of a baby?†I asked.
He shrugged, “I’m a fisherman.†| | | Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread | Joined: Feb 2002 Posts: 32,683 Likes: 172 Old Timer | Old Timer Joined: Feb 2002 Posts: 32,683 Likes: 172 |
Jim & Lucy Newkirk 1965 Chevy Bad Influence 1981 Chevy-the Love Shack 2012 Chevy Van , 2020 chevy van 2020 Chevy van Sapphire Sweet. Club Vannerz. vanninvanner@comcast.net | | | Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread | Joined: Nov 2013 Posts: 3,692 Likes: 32 pooh-bah | pooh-bah Joined: Nov 2013 Posts: 3,692 Likes: 32 | A woman came home early from work one day and found her husband in bed with a young and attractive woman.
The woman yelled at her husband in anger: “You slimy disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me!? I’m the mother of your children, and I’ve been faithful to you all these years! I want a divorce now!â€
The husband answered: “Wait a second my love, let me at least explain what happened.â€
“All right, let’s hear what you have to say for yourself,†answered the wife waiting to see just how her husband would try to talk his way out of this one, “but these are your last words.â€
Her husband started recalling: “today when I left work and got in my car to head home and this woman asked me for a ride.â€
“I noticed that she was very skinny and wearing worn out clothes covered in muck and mud. She told me she hadn’t eaten in three days.â€
“She looked worse for wear so I took pity on her and let her into the car.â€
“In my mercy for her, instead of taking her straight to where she needed to go, I brought her home first and warmed her up a plate of goulash, the same plate I made for you last night which you didn’t eat claiming you’d ‘get fat’.â€
“She devoured it in seconds.â€
“Since she needed to get clean, I offered to let her use our shower.â€
“While she showered, I noticed that her clothes were very dirty and worn, so I threw them out. She needed new clothes so I brought her the old jeans you no longer wear because they’re ‘too tight’.â€
“I also gave her some underwear I bought you that you didn’t wear because ‘I don’t have good taste in clothes’.â€
“I found the shirt my mom bought you for Christmas that you didn’t wear to ‘piss her off’. And I gave her the high heels you only wore once because ‘someone at work had the same pair’.â€
The husband took a deep breath and continued…
“She was so grateful for my understanding and help. When I walked her to the door she turned around with tears in her eyes and asked…â€
“You’re such a great person! Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?†| | | Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread | Joined: Feb 2002 Posts: 32,683 Likes: 172 Old Timer | Old Timer Joined: Feb 2002 Posts: 32,683 Likes: 172 |
Jim & Lucy Newkirk 1965 Chevy Bad Influence 1981 Chevy-the Love Shack 2012 Chevy Van , 2020 chevy van 2020 Chevy van Sapphire Sweet. Club Vannerz. vanninvanner@comcast.net | | | Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread | Joined: Nov 2013 Posts: 3,692 Likes: 32 pooh-bah | pooh-bah Joined: Nov 2013 Posts: 3,692 Likes: 32 | A man finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates to heaven. In front of them, stands a guardian angel. As the man approaches, the angel greets him and warns him it is not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the fellow religious in life? No? The guardian angel told him that’s bad.
Was he generous? Gave money to the poor? Charities? No? The guardian angel told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? The guardian angel was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, the angel says, “Look, everybody does something nice sometimes. Work with me, I’m trying to help. Now think!â€
The man says, “There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell’s Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet, and went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his faceâ€.
“Wowâ€, said the angel, “That’s actually very impressive. When did this happenâ€?
“Oh, about 10 minutes agoâ€, replied the man. | | | Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread | Joined: May 2018 Posts: 2,397 Likes: 64 veteran | veteran Joined: May 2018 Posts: 2,397 Likes: 64 | Yep that is a good one 😂
When in doubt..get the sawzall out..
| | | Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread | Joined: Feb 2002 Posts: 32,683 Likes: 172 Old Timer | Old Timer Joined: Feb 2002 Posts: 32,683 Likes: 172 |
Jim & Lucy Newkirk 1965 Chevy Bad Influence 1981 Chevy-the Love Shack 2012 Chevy Van , 2020 chevy van 2020 Chevy van Sapphire Sweet. Club Vannerz. vanninvanner@comcast.net | | | Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread | Joined: Nov 2013 Posts: 3,692 Likes: 32 pooh-bah | pooh-bah Joined: Nov 2013 Posts: 3,692 Likes: 32 | At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?â€
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?â€
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,†the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head.â€
Do you understand all that?â€
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, “And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb a–hole’, is it?â€
Again the little boy nodded.
“Good,†said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.†| | |
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