Vannin' Home Forums General Discussion Off Topic Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread

A Preacher decides to skip Sunday services and go to the golf course to hit a few...

When he gets there, he discovers there isn't anybody else around, and he has the entire course to himself..

But he does have witnesses... It seems God and Jesus are keeping an eye on him, and they don't approve of his church hooky-playing..

"Look at that guy," Jesus says, "He should be in church instead of out there. C'mon, Dad, let me hit him with a lightning bolt or something."

"No," God says, "I've something else in mind for him. Watch what happens when he makes his next shot."

He sets up a ball, drives it off the tee-It sails 200 yards and lands squarely in the hole.

"What kind of punishment is that, Dad?!" Jesus yells, "That has to be one of the greatest golf shots in history!!"

"That's right, son, indeed it is....and because he's alone, he can't tell anyone about it."

Thanks for the coffee on my lap Doc ...

A guy is out wandering in the desert looking to rent a camel. Each place he stops at, they tell him that they are all out of camels. Finally he comes to a Hurtz Rent-A-Camel. The salesman tells him the same thing. Their all out of camels. But this desperate guy sees one standing in the back of the yard, and says to the salesman, "What about that one"? The salesman explains to him that they only rent that camel to religious people. "You see", says the salesman "to get him to go you say Jesus Christ, and to get him to stop you say Amen". The desperate traveler says to the salesman "Well, I'm not all that religious, but I can say Jesus Christ and Amen". So eventually the salesman agrees to let the traveler take the camel.
So to make up for lost time the traveller says "Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ", and the camel is running flat out across the desert. Suddenly the traveller notices they are heading for the edge of a cliff. So he starts yelling at the camel "Whoa, Stop', then suddenly he remembers "Amen". The camel comes to a screeching halt right at the edge of the cliff, and the traveler gives a sigh, wipes his brow, and says "Jesus Christ that was close".

A cowboy rides up to a saloon where an old man is rocking back and forth in his rocking chair. The cowboy jumps down off his horse, walks up behind the horse, lifts up the horse's tail, and gives it a big kiss on it's backside. The old man stops rocking, and stares at the cowboy walking towards him.
He says "S'cuse me. are you a cowboy"?
The cowboy says "Sure I'm a cowboy".
So the old man says "Why do you kiss your horse on it's backside like that. Are you in love with it or something"?
The cowboy says"No, I'm not in love with the damn horse. But I got chapped lips".
The old man then asks "does that cure them"?
The cowboy responds "Nope, but it sure as hell stops you from licking them".

A man comes running into the doctors office yelling "Doctor come quick, there's a woman outside that's bleeding to death.
The doctor says "What's she bleeding to death from? Did she cut herself badly"?
The guy says "No, she didn't cut herself".
Did she fall down some stairs and break some bones"?
The guy says "No, she didn't fall down any stairs".
"Then what exactly is she bleeding to death from?" asked the doctor.
The guy responds "She's bleeding to death from the clap".
The doctor looks at this guy and says "Wait a minute. Hold on... Nobody bleeds to death from the clap".
The guy says "They do when they give it to me #$&*%!".

Good one

Two elderly couples were enjoying a friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."

"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!"

He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where?"


A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."