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Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread
GhostRyder #621474 June 15th 2013 8:52 pm
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 18,286
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Posts: 18,286
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Dan married an identical twin. Less then a year later he was in court filing for a divorce.

"Tell the court why you want a divorce," the Judge said.

"Well, Your Honor," Dan stated, "Every once in a while my sister-in-law would come for a visit.
Because she and my wife are so identical, sometimes I'd end up sleeping with her by mistake."

"Now, surely, there must be some difference between the two women," the Judge said.

"Exactly, Your Honor. That's why I want the divorce !!!”


SUNSHINE VANS-VAN DIEGO
ADRENALIN BY THE GALLON & CHASIN RACIN
ONE FOR THE DIRT & ONE FOR THE STREETS
'93 CHEVY G30 454 4X4 SPORTVAN EXT 146" WB
'92 CHEVY G30 454 BEAUVILLE EXT 146" WB
Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread
GhostRyder #621475 June 15th 2013 8:53 pm
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 18,286
Likes: 559
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Posts: 18,286
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Five Tips For A Woman



1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn’t lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don’t know each other.


SUNSHINE VANS-VAN DIEGO
ADRENALIN BY THE GALLON & CHASIN RACIN
ONE FOR THE DIRT & ONE FOR THE STREETS
'93 CHEVY G30 454 4X4 SPORTVAN EXT 146" WB
'92 CHEVY G30 454 BEAUVILLE EXT 146" WB
Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread
GhostRyder #621477 June 15th 2013 8:55 pm
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 18,286
Likes: 559
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Posts: 18,286
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A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniorsare so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.


So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.


SUNSHINE VANS-VAN DIEGO
ADRENALIN BY THE GALLON & CHASIN RACIN
ONE FOR THE DIRT & ONE FOR THE STREETS
'93 CHEVY G30 454 4X4 SPORTVAN EXT 146" WB
'92 CHEVY G30 454 BEAUVILLE EXT 146" WB
Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread
GhostRyder #621478 June 15th 2013 8:56 pm
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 18,286
Likes: 559
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Posts: 18,286
Likes: 559

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'


SUNSHINE VANS-VAN DIEGO
ADRENALIN BY THE GALLON & CHASIN RACIN
ONE FOR THE DIRT & ONE FOR THE STREETS
'93 CHEVY G30 454 4X4 SPORTVAN EXT 146" WB
'92 CHEVY G30 454 BEAUVILLE EXT 146" WB
Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread
GhostRyder #621479 June 15th 2013 8:59 pm
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 18,286
Likes: 559
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Posts: 18,286
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Things you can only say at Thanksgiving or Christmas
________________________________________


1: I prefer breasts to legs.

2: Smother the butter all over the breasts.

3: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

4: If I don't undo my trousers I'll burst.

5: I've never seen a better spread.

6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. Just wait your turn you'll get some.

9. Don't play with your meat.

10. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

11. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

12. You still have a little bit on your chin.

13. How long will it take after you put it in?

14. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

15. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.


SUNSHINE VANS-VAN DIEGO
ADRENALIN BY THE GALLON & CHASIN RACIN
ONE FOR THE DIRT & ONE FOR THE STREETS
'93 CHEVY G30 454 4X4 SPORTVAN EXT 146" WB
'92 CHEVY G30 454 BEAUVILLE EXT 146" WB
Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread
GhostRyder #621480 June 15th 2013 9:00 pm
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 18,286
Likes: 559
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Ok here's a joke for Halloween...


Halloween Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't

10. She's a goblin!

9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.

8. Let me see your bag ... OH! - You're having a great night!

7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.

6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch!

5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.

4. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.

3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth!

2. You scared me stiff!

1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!


SUNSHINE VANS-VAN DIEGO
ADRENALIN BY THE GALLON & CHASIN RACIN
ONE FOR THE DIRT & ONE FOR THE STREETS
'93 CHEVY G30 454 4X4 SPORTVAN EXT 146" WB
'92 CHEVY G30 454 BEAUVILLE EXT 146" WB
Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread
GhostRyder #621481 June 15th 2013 9:01 pm
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 18,286
Likes: 559
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Posts: 18,286
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Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.

Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: 'Are you the owner?'

The pharmacist answers yes.

Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'

Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'

Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '

Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'

Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'

Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'

Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'

Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'

Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'

Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'

Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'


SUNSHINE VANS-VAN DIEGO
ADRENALIN BY THE GALLON & CHASIN RACIN
ONE FOR THE DIRT & ONE FOR THE STREETS
'93 CHEVY G30 454 4X4 SPORTVAN EXT 146" WB
'92 CHEVY G30 454 BEAUVILLE EXT 146" WB
Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread
GhostRyder #621482 June 15th 2013 9:04 pm
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 18,286
Likes: 559
Offline
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 18,286
Likes: 559

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag the
first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to
his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.


Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"


Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"


Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.


Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos, Texas.


Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer,
take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."


Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer.


Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.


Quickly, Jake starts running back.
As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, get the #$%^ away from my deer!"


Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife.
And again he hears her yell, "Get the #$%^ away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!


Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a
Texas game warden with his hands high in the air.


The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady!
You can have your #$%^ deer, just let me get my saddle off it!"


SUNSHINE VANS-VAN DIEGO
ADRENALIN BY THE GALLON & CHASIN RACIN
ONE FOR THE DIRT & ONE FOR THE STREETS
'93 CHEVY G30 454 4X4 SPORTVAN EXT 146" WB
'92 CHEVY G30 454 BEAUVILLE EXT 146" WB
Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread
GhostRyder #621483 June 15th 2013 9:07 pm
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 18,286
Likes: 559
Offline
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 18,286
Likes: 559
Windows vs. Ford Motor Co.

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4.... Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5..... Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6...... The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

I love the next one!

7....... The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8........ Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9......... Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10.......... You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine on/off.

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!


SUNSHINE VANS-VAN DIEGO
ADRENALIN BY THE GALLON & CHASIN RACIN
ONE FOR THE DIRT & ONE FOR THE STREETS
'93 CHEVY G30 454 4X4 SPORTVAN EXT 146" WB
'92 CHEVY G30 454 BEAUVILLE EXT 146" WB
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