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| | | Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread | Joined: Oct 2009 Posts: 3,772 pooh-bah | pooh-bah Joined: Oct 2009 Posts: 3,772 | A man is being interviewed for a job. “What are your qualifications for the job of night watchman?” “The slightest noise wakes me up.”
The only Stephentown on earth. I don't mind Coming to work, but that 8hr wait to go home is a bitch. No matter how little I do, I always feel I could do less. "The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work." NOVA VANS 1990 Dodge B150
| | | Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread | Joined: Dec 2002 Posts: 5,263 Likes: 1 Blendor Of Fine Schnapps | Blendor Of Fine Schnapps Joined: Dec 2002 Posts: 5,263 Likes: 1 | Irish Luck
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."**with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"** **She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb..... But all men...Are men!
**Global Facts About Sex** **At any given moment: **FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now. **FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing. **FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex. **FACT: 1 old person is reading emails. **You hang in there, sunshine** **.***
starwars tom wyckoff interstellar space truckers I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. Groucho Marx | | | Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread | Joined: Dec 2002 Posts: 5,263 Likes: 1 Blendor Of Fine Schnapps | Blendor Of Fine Schnapps Joined: Dec 2002 Posts: 5,263 Likes: 1 |
A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.
The doctor says, "I know that you are not married!
Do you know who the father of this baby is?"
The girl thought and then asked, "Doc, if you ate a can of 'Baked Beans', would you know exactly which bean made you fart?"
starwars tom wyckoff interstellar space truckers I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. Groucho Marx | | | Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread | Joined: Dec 2002 Posts: 5,263 Likes: 1 Blendor Of Fine Schnapps | Blendor Of Fine Schnapps Joined: Dec 2002 Posts: 5,263 Likes: 1 | Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?"
"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a thing!"
After apologizing, I got her parcel.
"Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!"
"What is it?" I asked.
"My husband's new hearing aid."
starwars tom wyckoff interstellar space truckers I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. Groucho Marx | | | Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread | Joined: Dec 2002 Posts: 5,263 Likes: 1 Blendor Of Fine Schnapps | Blendor Of Fine Schnapps Joined: Dec 2002 Posts: 5,263 Likes: 1 | A man is walking behind his wife and says, "Baby, your arse is getting so fat, it's looking like a washing machine." The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking. Bedtime comes around, the man is asking for sex. The woman says; "I'm not starting the washing machine for such a small load. You'll have to hand wash it!"
starwars tom wyckoff interstellar space truckers I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. Groucho Marx | | | Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread | Joined: Dec 2002 Posts: 5,263 Likes: 1 Blendor Of Fine Schnapps | Blendor Of Fine Schnapps Joined: Dec 2002 Posts: 5,263 Likes: 1 | Description: Description: cid:1.1339546221@web132102.mail.ird.yahoo.com
An 80-year old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor was amazed at the great shape the old fellow was in and asked.
How do you stay in such great physical condition?
I am Scots and I'm a golfer.' Said the old fellow. And that's why I'm in such good shape.
I am up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a wee nip of whisky on each hole, and that's it.
Well, said the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there has to be more to it.
How old was your dad when he died?
Who said my dad died?'
The doctor was amazed.
You mean you are 80 years old and your dad's still alive. How old is he?
He's a 100 years old. Said the old Scottish golfer. In fact he golfed Wi' me this mornin',
and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and another wee dram, and that's why he's still alive.
He's a Scot and a golfer too.
Well, the doctor said. That's great, but I am sure there's more to it than that. How about your dad's dad?
How old was he when he died?
Who said my grandad is dead?
Stunned, the doctor asked. You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living!
Incredible, how old is he?
He turned 118 last month. Replied the old Scot.
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point:
So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?
No. Grandad could nae go this mornin' because he's getting married today.
At this point the doctor was close to losing it.
Getting married?! Why would a 118-year old bloke want to get married?
Who said he wanted to?
starwars tom wyckoff interstellar space truckers I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. Groucho Marx | | | Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread | Joined: Jun 2010 Posts: 12,847 Maniac | Maniac Joined: Jun 2010 Posts: 12,847 | Proud member: Shenandoah Valley Vans ............" REALITY IS JUST AN ELABORATE ILLUSION".................. | | | Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread | Joined: Jun 2010 Posts: 18,286 Likes: 559 | Joined: Jun 2010 Posts: 18,286 Likes: 559 | This is a must read for all Texans, Used-to-be Texans, Adopted Texans or Wannabe Texans:
JUST TEXAS Comfort, Texas Friendship, Texas Paradise, Texas Pep, Texas Rainbow, Texas Smiley, Texas Sweet Home, Texas
Love the Sun? Sun City, Texas Sundown, Texas Sunray, Texas Sunrise, Texas Sunset, Texas Sunny Side, Texas
Want something to eat? Bacon, Texas Noodle, Texas Oatmeal, Texas Orange, Texas Pearland, Texas Rice, Texas Salty, Texas Sugarland, Texas Sweetwater, Texas Trout, Texas And top it off with Turkey, Texas
Why travel to other cities? Texas has them all! Boston, Texas Cleveland, Texas Colorado City, Texas Columbus, Texas Denver City, Texas Detroit, Texas Klondike, Texas Memphis, Texas Miami, Texas Nevada, Texas Pasadena, Texas Reno, Texas Santa Fe, Texas Tennessee Colony, Texas
Feel like traveling outside the country? Athens, Texas Canadian, Texas China, Texas Dublin, Texas
Egypt, Texas Ireland, Texas Italy, Texas London, Texas New London, Texas Paris, Texas Palestine, Texas Turkey, Texas
No need to travel to Washington D.C. Whitehouse, Texas
We even have a city named after our planet! Earth, Texas
We even have a city named after our state Texas City, Texas
Exhausted? Energy, Texas
Cold? Blanket, Texas Winters, Texas
Like to read about History? Alamo, Texas Goliad, Texas Gun Barrel City, Texas Robert Lee, Texas Santa Anna, Texas
Need Office Supplies? Staples, Texas
Want to go into outer space? Mars, Texas Venus, Texas
You guessed it, it's on the state line Texline, Texas
For the kids Elmo, Texas Kermit, Texas Nemo, Texas Sylvester, Texas Tarzan, Texas Winnie, Texas
Other city names in Texas, to make you smile Best, Texas Veribest, Texas Bigfoot, Texas Cactus, Texas Dime Box, Texas Old Dime Box, Texas Frognot, Texas Hogeye, Texas Kickapoo, Texas Notrees, Texas Telephone, Texas Telegraph, Texas Twitty, Texas Whiteface, Texas
And last but not least, the Anti Al Gore City Kilgore, Texas
And our favorites Cut n Shoot, Texas Ding Dong, Texas Gun Barrell City, Texas Hoop And Holler, Texas and, of course, Muleshoe, Texas
Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas
If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas
If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas
If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Texas
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph, and you're going 80, and everybody's passing you, you may live in Texas
If you find 60 degrees 'a little chilly,' you may live in Texas
If you actually understand these jokes, and share them with all your Texas friends, you definitely live in Texas
Here are some little known, very interesting facts about Texas Beaumont to El Paso - 742 miles Beaumont to Chicago - 770 miles El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas
World's first rodeo was in Pecos, July 4, 1883
The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water. (Destroyed by Hurricane Ike -2008! )
The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full time coach at Rice University in Houston
Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America
Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America 's only remaining flock of whooping cranes
Jalapeno jelly originated in the town of Lake Jackson in 1978
The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900, caused by a hurricane, in which over 8,000 lives were lost on Galveston Island
The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was "Houston ," but the space center was actually in Clear Lake City at the time
The King Ranch in South Texas is larger than the state of Rhode Island
Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall record of 43†in 24 hours in and around Alvin, Texas in July of 1979
Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by treaty (known as the Constitution of 1845 by the Republic of Texas to enter the Union) instead of by annexation. This allows the Texas Flag to fly at the same height as the U.S. Flag
A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old
Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state
Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period in Dr Pepper
Texas has had six capital cities: Washington on the Brazos Harrisburg Galveston Velasco West Columbia and Austin
The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. that is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington, D.C. (by 7 feet)
The San Jacinto Monument is the tallest free standing monument in the world and it is taller than the Washington monument
The name 'Texas ' comes from the Hasini Indian word 'tejas' meaning friends. Tejas is not Spanish for Texas
The State Mascot is the Armadillo (An interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies. They have one egg, which splits into four, and they either have four males or four females)
The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston
Cowboy's Ten Commandments Posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas: (1) Just one God. (2) Honor yer Ma & Pa. (3) No telling tales or gossipin.' (4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting. (5) Put nothin' before God. (6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal. (7) No killin.' (8) Watch yer mouth. (9) Don't take what ain't yers. (10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.
Y'all git all that?
SUNSHINE VANS-VAN DIEGO ADRENALIN BY THE GALLON & CHASIN RACIN ONE FOR THE DIRT & ONE FOR THE STREETS '93 CHEVY G30 454 4X4 SPORTVAN EXT 146" WB '92 CHEVY G30 454 BEAUVILLE EXT 146" WB | | | Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread | Joined: Dec 2002 Posts: 5,263 Likes: 1 Blendor Of Fine Schnapps | Blendor Of Fine Schnapps Joined: Dec 2002 Posts: 5,263 Likes: 1 | VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
starwars tom wyckoff interstellar space truckers I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. Groucho Marx | | |
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