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| | | Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread | Joined: Nov 2013 Posts: 3,692 Likes: 32 pooh-bah | pooh-bah Joined: Nov 2013 Posts: 3,692 Likes: 32 | An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.â€
They then decided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.
So they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
**The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.** | | | Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread | Joined: Nov 2013 Posts: 3,692 Likes: 32 pooh-bah | pooh-bah Joined: Nov 2013 Posts: 3,692 Likes: 32 | A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.
“What’s up, John?†asked the farmer. “Gosh Bob, I’ll tell you what … if I don’t sell a tractor soon, I’m gonna have to close my shop.â€
“Now John, things could be worse,†said Bob.
“How do you figure?†asked John.
“Well, John – you know my ‘ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face.
So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter.
Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away!
So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me!
But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall.
Well wouldn’t you just know it…my damn pants fell down.â€
“And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I’ll buy a tractor from you.†| | | Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread | Joined: Nov 2013 Posts: 3,692 Likes: 32 pooh-bah | pooh-bah Joined: Nov 2013 Posts: 3,692 Likes: 32 | A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar.
He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.
He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck.
When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day!
The day before he’s to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.
When he’s checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:
Golf: $1.00 Dinner: $1.00 Room: $1.00. Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00
He asks the Manager, “What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?â€
“I’m sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn’t read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That’s what our golf balls cost.â€
“Well, said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could’ve gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would’ve known what I was paying for!â€
“That’s right, sir, you could have,†said the manager.
“Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!†| | | Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread | Joined: Jun 2010 Posts: 18,286 Likes: 558 | Joined: Jun 2010 Posts: 18,286 Likes: 558 |
SUNSHINE VANS-VAN DIEGO ADRENALIN BY THE GALLON & CHASIN RACIN ONE FOR THE DIRT & ONE FOR THE STREETS '93 CHEVY G30 454 4X4 SPORTVAN EXT 146" WB '92 CHEVY G30 454 BEAUVILLE EXT 146" WB | | | Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread | Joined: Nov 2013 Posts: 3,692 Likes: 32 pooh-bah | pooh-bah Joined: Nov 2013 Posts: 3,692 Likes: 32 | Two Roofers, Bob and Dan, were putting a new roof on a barn when a bundle of shingles slid down the slope and knocked the ladder over.
Bob and Dan decided since it was early they would continue working because someone would surely come around by quitting time.
It was nearing 5 PM and they hadn’t seen hide nor hair of anyone.
So, they walked around the roof a few times and finally decided there was only one way down.
On the West side of the barn was a big manure pile.
Bob says, “It’s the only way down. I will go first.†Bob jumped.
Dan heard the squishy landing and yelled, “Hey Bob! How deep did you go?â€
Bob yells back, “I went to my ankles Dan, come on JUMP!†Dan jumps and goes clear up to his neck in manure.
He says to Bob, “I thought when you jumped you went up to your ankles?â€
“I did, but I landed head first!†| | | Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread | Joined: Nov 2013 Posts: 3,692 Likes: 32 pooh-bah | pooh-bah Joined: Nov 2013 Posts: 3,692 Likes: 32 | Bob, aged 92, and Mary, aged 89, were excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding, they passed a drug store. Bob suggested they go in.
Bob asked to speak to the pharmacist. He explained they’re about to get married, and asked, “Do you sell heart medication?â€
“Of course we do,†the pharmacist replied.
“Medicine for rheumatism?â€
“Definitely,†he said.
“How about Viagra?â€
“Of course.â€
“Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?â€
“Yes, the works.â€
“What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?â€
“Absolutely.â€
“Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?â€
“All speeds and sizes.â€
“Good,†Bob said to the pharmacist. “We’d like to register for our wedding gifts here, please.†| | | Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread | Joined: Nov 2013 Posts: 3,692 Likes: 32 pooh-bah | pooh-bah Joined: Nov 2013 Posts: 3,692 Likes: 32 | Harold and Al were on a small chartered airplane when the pilot suddenly had a heart attack.
“Don`t Panic,†cried Harold heroically. “I`ll land this baby!â€
Seizing the controls he headed for the runway at LaGuardia Airport, and began wrestling the diving plane to the ground. Just as the wheels touched the ground, Al screamed, “Red lights!! Right in front of you!â€
Immediately Harold threw the engine in reverse and jammed on the brakes, bringing the plane to a violent stop just inches from the edge of the lights.
“Brother!†he puffed, wiping his brow. “That sure was a short runway!â€
“Yeah,†agreed Al, looking side to side, “but look how WIDE it is.†| | | Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread | Joined: Nov 2013 Posts: 3,692 Likes: 32 pooh-bah | pooh-bah Joined: Nov 2013 Posts: 3,692 Likes: 32 | The preacher’s Sunday sermon was “Forgive Your Enemies.â€
He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies?
About half held up their hands.
He then repeated his question.
Now about 80% held up their hands.
He then repeated his question once more.
All responded, except one elderly lady.
“Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?â€
“I don’t have any.â€
“Mrs. Johnson that is very unusual. How old are you?â€
“Ninety-three,†she replied.
“Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?â€
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, “I outlived every one of those bitches!†| | | Re: Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread | Joined: Nov 2013 Posts: 3,692 Likes: 32 pooh-bah | pooh-bah Joined: Nov 2013 Posts: 3,692 Likes: 32 | So there's a man and a woman in a bar and the man turns to the woman and says "Hey, I got this magic water that can make me fly". The woman says "I don't believe you, show me", so the man downs a magic water, goes up the roof, jumps off, and flies back up again.
The woman is very impressed "wow! that's amazing; do it again".
So the man goes downstairs into the bar, drinks another magic water, goes up again to the roof, jumps off, and flies back up again.
The woman is so impressed she says "Hey I gotta do this for myself" and she goes down to the bar, drinks the magic water, goes to the roof and jumps off. Unfortunately she is killed when she hits the ground.
The man goes back down into the bar and the bartender says "You can be a real asshole when you're drunk Superman" | | |
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