Changing Resolutions...

2010: I will get my weight down below 160 pounds.

2011: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 180 pounds.

2012: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2013: I will work out every day.

2014: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week and eat fewer cookies.


Resolutions You Can Keep...

1.) Gain at least 30 pounds.

2.) Read less.

3.) Stop exercising.

4.) Watch more TV.

5.) Procrastinate more.

6.) Start being superstitious.

7.) Spend more time at work.

8.) Stop bring lunch from home and eat out more.

9.) Sleep more.

10.) Start a new bad habit.


A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.

Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."