Vannin' Home Forums General Discussion Off Topic Dr. Bob's Jokes Thread

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered: "Thou shall not kill."

A man visits his psychiatrist and talks about being haunted by visions of his departed relatives. He says; these ghosts are perched on the tops of fence posts around my garden every night. They sit there and watch me and watch me. What can I do?

The psychiatrist says; that's easy … just sharpen the tops of the posts.

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink, she says, "It's my birthday today, and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink; in fact, I'll take care of this one for you."

As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink."

The old woman says, "All right. Bartender, I want a scotch and two drops of water."

"All right," says the bartender. As she finishes her drink, the man to her right says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink, I guess I might as well buy you one."

The old woman says, "All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says,

"Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water."

I'll never forget Bubba's last words...

"Hey y'all, looky what I got!"

A large woman put on a dress and asked her husband if the dress made her look different.

Her husband said, "You're asking the wrong person, I saw you before you put it on."



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Q: What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A: Bamboo.

Q: What's a haunted chicken?
A: Poultry-geist.

Q: Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
A: Because he was in need of a light snack.

Q: Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?
A: Have you ever tried to iron a monster?

Q: What kind of mistakes do ghosts make?
A: Boo boos.

Q: Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
A: Because of his coffin.

Q: Why do mummies make excellent spies?
A: They're good at keeping things under wraps.

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her hard glances and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in hurry and not a happy camper about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With a good tail wind and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."